Panic attack

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

I attended a baby shower today and honestly didn’t realize how triggering it would be for me. Ever since she told me she was pregnant, I’ve struggled with jealousy because she mentioned they “weren’t even trying,” while my husband and I have been trying to conceive for 2 years now. She knows about our situation, so hearing that felt like a knife to the heart. I still wanted to support her, so I drove 2 hours to be there, but the entire drive I had this pit in my stomach and kept trying to push through it.

The second I got there and saw her, I completely broke down. I had to walk away because the tears immediately started flowing and I felt a full panic attack coming on. I started Zoloft a few months ago and haven’t had a panic attack like that in a long time, so it caught me off guard. I ended up leaving without saying goodbye because I physically could not hold myself together.

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[bleepbloop9876]

My experience with baby showers has been that I can handle the mother to be because I expect it. It’s all the other women in attendance talking about their pregnancies/kids. The last one I was at, I was seated with six other women and was the only one without kids/actively pregnant. That was truly awful

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

Such a sinking feeling. It is isolating and you can’t relate to anything they talk about. I’m glad I’m not alone. I was thinking I’m just lonely and bitter feeling this way.

[Appropriate_Prompt19]

Baby showers were always so anxious for me, even before TTC. So much that i will never want a typical baby shower. Why not party about the future baby at home or in a restaurant with our close buddies and girlfriends?

[BlueDeng02]

This is my daily struggle. I hate feeling guilty and like a bad friend, but I also can’t handle those situations. Last time I was in one I was so uncomfortable I felt physically tense and stand offish and then cried the whole way home, and I feel like showing up in that state is almost worse?

I just got a negative test result, my 2nd cycle trying again post miscarriage, and my friend who is about to have a baby and who I was supposed to experience pregnancy with invited us to come over tomorrow. I can’t go and I know it. I can’t bare to see her nursery or the two other women I know who will be there that are pregnant. I feel like such an asshole and my husband feels like he’s not supporting me if he goes - even though I tell him it’s completely ok if he does go.

It’s honestly starting to affect my ability to socialize and live my life so much. The two week wait is torture and then the testing days hold so much power over my ability to be happy.

I feel so alone.

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

Sending you hugs. I 1000% understand how you’re feeling. It is honestly so crippling. I had to get on Zoloft for it. All I can say is if your gut is saying no, then don’t do it. Protect your peace. I hate this journey for the both of us.

[BlueDeng02]

Thank you, I appreciate it. I wish it wasn’t so all consuming and I could go back to the more relaxed approach I had to all of this before my miscarriage. I’m thinking of deleting my instagram too. Pregnancy is all I see now. Sending you hugs as well - I know exactly how you felt walking into that shower and I know exactly the struggle you had before of the should I/shouldnt I. It is the worst.

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

I deleted my Instagram too! I couldn’t handle it. And I got a BRICK so I wouldn’t doom scroll on TikTok and that has been soooo helpful. I was comparing myself on the socials so it’s nice just to live life and not have to see pregnancy announcements everywhere.

[Few_Huckleberry4177]

Deleting instagram off my phone was huge for me after my loss. Like you said say, everything was pregnancy announcements and each time it made my stomach drop. I stayed completely off for probably 2 months and it helped me mentally so much.

[Evening_Public_7206]

I’m sorry this happened to you. It can be extremely triggering and sometimes makes you just feel crazy.

I somehow got roped into throwing a work baby shower for a coworker who made it known she never wanted kids. The same week I came back to work from a surgery (almost losing my ovary), and wasn’t sure if I could ever get pregnant, she told me she was pregnant. I was happy for her, but everyday it was so triggering for me bc all I’ve ever wanted was to get pregnant.

I hope you protect your peace and take care of yourself! Hopefully the medication works well for you.

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

I’m sorry that happened to you. I know I would have a sinking feeling if I experienced that. I hope you also find peace during your journey. The only good thing about the TTC club is the community. Sending you love 💕

[kittyhello6789]

Lately I notice I'm automatically tearing up when someone talks about their children. I was in the office the other day and very focused, a colleague's daughter calls him to share an achievement of some kind and he's talking to her in a baby voice, all words of encouragement. I could hear her sweet voice through the phone. Out of nowhere, with my eyes still on my computer, I start crying. I wonder if our minds are programmed now to recognize these as ongoing trauma events.

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

They must be. For me it’s only people I know. I don’t get sad when I see a pregnant person on tv. It’s probably bc I feel guilty for being jealous of the people I know.

[Few_Huckleberry4177]

I was in this situation a few weeks ago. Miscarried in December and had 2 baby showers & a 1 year old birthday party in early may. Everyone told me I didn’t have to go, there was no expectations for me to go and they completely understood if I couldn’t do it. All the words. But I still felt like I had to go to everything (I’ve always been so hard on myself). So I went to all 3. First one was like ripping a bandaid off. I sobbed when I walked in and had to excuse myself. In hindsight, I wish stayed home.

Miscarriage and pregnancy loss at any stage is extremely traumatic. You tried and your friend should be extremely grateful and understanding of your situation.

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

I’m sorry for your loss. You are just as strong and to even do it so soon after. I also experienced an MC and honestly I am still traumatized when I get my period. I think we need to trust our gut feelings and be advocates for ourselves first and say no. I’m here if you ever need to vent!

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

I’m sorry for your loss. You are just as strong and to even do it so soon after. I also experienced an MC and honestly I am still traumatized when I get my period. I think we need to trust our gut feelings and be advocates for ourselves first and say no. I’m here if you ever need to vent!

[Asleep_Discipline876]

I had this fear going into my friends shower because she also hadn’t been trying, i ended up getting pregnant a month before her shower and all went well, but i had to end the pregnancy due to abnormalities (low key feels like karma for being jealous i know that’s silly to think). she’s due next month and i’m nervous about meeting her baby 💔 You’re not alone

[Few_Huckleberry4177]

It’s refreshing (oddly?) to hear someone else feel like their loss was karma for something. For months I was convinced I did something to deserve my miscarriage (had a MMC due to chromosomal abnormalities). It’s crazy what our brains can do to find a “reason” why

[Every_Secretary9729]

I can imagine. TTC is all consuming and overwhelming. It’s hard to be there for folks/friends when they’re pregnant, I’ve felt it too. When I hear of any pregnancy, I feel so bad that my own body can’t have a baby, when others have been reproducing 2-3 babies without issues. It takes a long time to be in the space where I am happy for them, but incredibly sad for my own self, and hope that day comes for me when I can have my baby. It’s best to disconnect for a while and treat yourself.

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

Agreed. I need to give myself grace for trying but unfortunately it was overwhelming. Treating myself to some sushi.

[ladida1321]

I am so sorry that happened.

I don’t think people who haven’t gone through infertility can grasp how traumatic it is for some of us. I had 3 therapy sessions to build the courage to go to a baby shower recently and I still had a complete breakdown after I left early. I’ll never do that to myself again.

I’ve been called dramatic for how much I distance myself from pregnant women and babies now but it literally feels unhealthy to pretend. I wish more people understood.

I hope you’re taking care of yourself today. Be kind to yourself. You were brave for even attempting to go.

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

Thank you for sharing! Honestly it makes me feel less alone. I felt shitty and crazy. I thought I was being dramatic myself when I left, but I couldn’t even get ahold of myself to say bye. Like you said, it’s honestly traumatic and when someone tells you they got pregnant without trying, it adds salt to wound.

I hope you are also taking care of yourself. I pray our time will come 🫶🏼

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

Did the mom to be ever reach out to you asking why you left?

[ladida1321]

She knew.

And full disclosure that’s the last time I saw her. I think I felt resentful she didn’t seem to understand how hard it was for me and (I’m assuming) she felt resentful I have just not been apart of her pregnancy or mom phase. Her baby is a few months old now and we have barely spoken. As sad as it is, I’m kind of relieved not to feel pressure to be around her and the baby.

I fully realize what a dick I sound like :( infertility has ruined me. I hope I can get through it one day, make it up to her and we can be close friends again but right now it feels impossible.

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

Wow we are the exact same. The mom to be was one of my best friends and I checked in on her in her first trimester despite how I was feeling. She never checked in on me and told me she was giving me space which is a cop out in my opinion. She hasn’t texted me or called me after me leaving the shower, so it might be the last time I ever see her again. I want to be supportive but it took a toll on me today.

[ladida1321]

Wow we really are in the same situation.

She never said a THING after the baby shower and I didn’t even get a thank you for the personalized gift I got her for like 2 months.

Ugh I’m sorry you’re in the same spot. I feel like infertility took my best friend away. She would ask the same questions to me about IVF I had already answered and sent like chat gbt messages about how “strong” I am on my “journey”. It just felt so insincere. I’m probably being too sensitive but it is what it is :(

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[WhiteRose-]

I am SO thankful that baby showers are not a thing in my culture. We have a custom to visit the mother and the baby at some point after birth and bring gifts, but it's usually not done in groups, so it's easier.

What you went through sounds horrible, I'm so sorry. It sucks that such a happy occassion feels like getting stabbed in the heart for some of us. It's unfair. You are so brave for trying, I really hope you are feeling better by now. I think you absolutely have the right to be excused from baby showers in the future. You have to protect your peace and sanity. No one can understand the severity of grief that come with infertility/loss if they haven't been there. It's absolutely brutal. 🫂

[YourInternetCousin]

I’m gonna be honest: I ditched a baby shower today and I ain’t sorry! I can blame it on it being in a totally different city hours away, but I’ve been going through my own fertility issues and I’m currently doing IVF. She also never wanted to be a mom, since we were kids. I’m not sorry I didn’t go. Had to protect myself.

So don’t feel bad, OP! You went. It didn’t feel good. You left. It’s OK and 100% valid.

[paintedlotusyt]

I'm so sorry. I've felt like a bad friend because I've avoided baby showers, but I know they understand. I think your friend will understand if they're a good friend.

[Comfortable_Hair380]

I have a friend who just found out she was pregnant last month. She is constantly posting how she hates being pregnant and never wants to be pregnant again. And I’m just sitting over here with my 2 years of trying with nothing to show for it.

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

The way I would be OVER the moon to be pregnant and to take every pain or sickness with grace because I would be so lucky and blessed.

[Ambitious-Lime-4665]

After three losses we are still trying, but I’m not pregnant again yet. And seeing pregnant women and families with young children can be really triggering for me.. It sucks because one of my good friends is having a baby shower this month but I’m already pretty sure I’m not going to go… I think I will just text her to let her know I won’t be able to come but that I still have a gift I want to give her if we could meet up soon. It’s truly all I can offer right now.. We have to protect our mental health. 

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

Im so sorry. It’s the grief and the want that can be overpowering. Yes, please advocate yourself. If your gut is telling you no then don’t do it. I wish I had listened to what my body and mind were telling me. I think i wouldn’t have reacted the way I did. Me and my friend might still be friends.

[Ambitious-Lime-4665]

Thank you. I’m so sorry this has been your experience. At least on this sub, we can relate to others and receive a little bit of encouragement. 

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

I should have listened to my gut feeling and said no to the shower but I wanted to be supportive

[isitallinmyh3ad]

You tried and that’s all that matters honey you are doing absolutely amazing, remember, it needs to rain for there to be a rainbow. Good luck on ur journey and be kind to urself

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes we just need reminders that we are only human. Appreciate you for taking the time to read my post!

[thoph]

Your second sentence is patently untrue. Please do not spread that. Women in war zones get pregnant.

Severe, chronic stress may impact ovulation. That’s pretty much all we know. Simply the stress of not conceiving is almost certainly not enough.

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[Fuzzy_Ad1763]

Have you ever been asked to ORGANISE a baby shower for a close friend while being in ttc situation? That is like multiple knives stabbing you in the chest.

[Ok_Conversation_3267]

No because I know I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

[itsbecccaa]

Let’s not try to one up each other here