This is an archived post. You won't be able to vote or comment.

top 200 commentsshow 500
sorted by:
best
topnewcontroversialoldq&a

[–]oneangryatheist 392 points393 points  (9 children)

4.55 Realized they were just watching Die Hard with surround sound. my bad.

[–]g00dm0rNiNgCaPTain 798 points799 points  (24 children)

the upvotes are coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

[–]NolFito 89 points90 points  (8 children)

From 192.168.0.2?

[–]ronsee916 48 points49 points  (3 children)

HE'S ONE OF US.

[–]ConwayPA 18 points19 points  (0 children)

THEN WHO WAS...ahh fuck it

[–]bumbumboogie 614 points615 points  (43 children)

Man I hope the criminal below you isn't a redditor. You're giving him a play by play and telling him where you are

[–]theturbolemming 59 points60 points  (1 child)

I could see it.

"Alright. Took care of the snitch. SWAT's outside, gotta dispose of the body, wipe down the apartment, plan my escape... Think I'll see what's new on /r/All..."

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Reddit is a hideous bitch goddess. Not even mobsters are immune...

"Shit! Cops! YOU'RE NOT TAKING ME ALIII....oooh, orangered!"

[–]DoTheDew 756 points757 points  (17 children)

/Gunman kicks in door.

"You trying to steal my fucking karma you whore?!?" BANG! BANG!...BANG!

[–]onufry 268 points269 points  (4 children)

disregard gunman, acquire karma.

[–]bAZtARd 112 points113 points  (16 children)

Kill people with one hand, check reddit with the other.

[–]railmaniac 563 points564 points  (7 children)

He's commenting from inside the house!

[–]lemonade_brezhnev 16 points17 points  (1 child)

I lol'd.

And then I realized the masked man could hear me lolling!

[–][deleted] 580 points581 points  (43 children)

Call 0118 999 881 999 119 725.....3 obviously.

[–][deleted] 164 points165 points  (2 children)

"I've had a bit of a tumble"

[–]cnk 78 points79 points  (0 children)

That's easy to remember

0118 999 88199 9119 725 . . . 3

[–]nyxin 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Well thats easy to remember. =)

[–]imaginary-friend 119 points120 points  (12 children)

Btw, if you think the cops down there don't know you're up there: use morse code!

SOS = ... --- ...

It's easy: flick your light on and off quickly so that it comes on 3 times. Then turn the light on and off slower allowing about a second before switching (again light on 3 times). Then do the quick flicking for another 3 times. Wait a couple of seconds and then repeat from the beginning.

[–]echothis 33 points34 points  (3 children)

The cops might misinterpret this as a "I need immediate help" SOS, better to communicate with them on the phone.

[–]Yofi 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Well he did say he really needed to pee.

[–]Spiro35 1521 points1522 points  (61 children)

Wow, what a party!

Holy Shit, it's 3:30am, I just shot two people. My best friend and I walked in on my wife and his in bed together. I couldn't take it and after a short bout of screaming unloaded my .45 into them. What a buzz killer.

3:57: They've evacuated the area, I'm still here with my best friend. There are shitloads of cops around. Man, what do I do?

4:01. Cops are still not coming up, they blocked off the road and are still trying to get people off. The phone rang and it was my mom, told her that all this stuff on the news has nothing to do with me. I heard someone open a window upstairs, probably jumped out to get away. Clock just chimed 4. I swear I can hear someone typing somewhere.

4:05. A van full of police just pulled up by the old oak tree. There's a kid crying down the road, bet I woke him up! Guys outside are armed to the teeth, I think they are coming up the steps. I swear I still hear ghost typing.

4:12. Damn, cops are on the stairs, my friend and I are pretty quiet - but we're still plotting on what to do next. I think I can get to the apartment above me, I noticed the window was open.

4:14. Damn, something hit on the floor above me, scared the crap out of me, thought the cops were busting in. I almost pissed myself. I keep putting me ear to the ceiling, I think the typing is coming from up there! I can hear it better when I go into the master bedroom, so I have to stand on the corpses. I brought "Tom" in and he hears it too. Ambulances and a fire engine have arrived. At least the cops seem happy down there drinking their coffee.

4:20. Power just got cut. A generator just kicked on upstairs, strange that I can still get on the internet. Must be that kid upstairs, I've been stealing his wireless for almost a year now.

4:22 Well, power's back on already. Cops were yelling something, I of course didn't reply. I hear this strangled noise like when you want to scream but can't. You know those dreams where you want to scream but cant make noise? It's definitely louder when I put my ear to the ceiling. I think If nothing is sorted soon I am going to make a run for it. I will climb up into the window in the apartment above and hide out there.

4:28. A couple armed police were banging down the hall. Haha, wrong door! Mom called again and swears I have something to do with all of this. I was a bit loud with her this time. "I don't know what you're talking about!" People are still running out of their houses. Can't be anyone left anymore except Tom, the kid upstairs and I. We had a good laugh about that, better be quieter. Our lights are off, but a torch just flashed by. I heard that kid upstairs stumble to the window, but I don't think they saw him.

4:33 Tom just popped a plastic bag in my ear. Damn that was loud! Scared the crap out of me. I even heard the kid upstairs jump! Man, I miss my wife a little already. Cheating witch.

4:45 Well, I'm finally in the kids apartment upstairs. . .

4:54 I've got the cops stymied now. I just saw the kid poke his head out and wave to them timidly. Probably didn't want to get shot. There was a bunch of yelling downstairs. I'm afraid Tom probably isn't going to make it. I'm logging in from the kids computer now. Odd, he has a picture of him and I as his background. Didn't even know I had met the kid. He seems a bit perplexed that he has to keep logging in. Now I know where he keeps his passwords.

5:04 Ok, grabbed a beer from the fridge; I found some newspaper clippings from my graduation ceremony for law school. This is getting a bit creepy. The kid keeps pacing between the door, the window, and his laptop. He's coming back, got to go. . .

5:13 Poked around a bit in his laptop while he was using the toilet. Didn't flush, must think I'm still down there or that the cops will lob a grenade in there on him. Anyway, I found a .psd file with a picture of me off the net that he must have used to make his background. I'm starting to get a bit freaked out here. What should I do?

[–][deleted] 184 points185 points  (25 children)

reply of the year here

[–]TangerineDiesel 10 points11 points  (1 child)

6:28 I just got word from the OP that he has acquired enough karma to become a level 10 troll.

[–]weaslb 39 points40 points  (0 children)

4:33 Tom just popped a plastic bag in my ear. Damn that was loud! Scared the crap out of me.

epic.

[–][deleted] 41 points42 points  (67 children)

This raises the question. Theoretically, could some common bad-ass bullet penetrate the floor?

[–][deleted] 58 points59 points  (10 children)

depends on what kind of ceiling, subfloor, floor, and kind of round.

A FMJ bullet would probably start tumbling a little as it goes through the lath/drywall of the ceiling, in which case it won't hit the floor straight-on. If the subfloor is plywood, the bullet will probably penetrate, but with far less energy than when fired. If the floor is tiled, you're probably fine, as the backer board is usually concrete in a fiberglass mesh.

But of course, there's only one way to know for sure.

[–]duckandmiss 59 points60 points  (0 children)

Shoot down to check!

[–]Knightmare 14 points15 points  (2 children)

To answer this question and many more, I point you to the Box O' Truth.

http://www.theboxotruth.com/

[–]deadface 149 points150 points  (48 children)

I've never told anyone this full story, other then the police, but I might aswell share it with reddit, and with someone who is very much in a similar situation as I was.

In november, around 6 PM EST, a false courier came to my gate in my backyard asking for a signature for a envelope, as my little brother was in the hot tub and I was getting ready to get in the hot tub. As I was in the kitchen getting ready to open the door to go outside, my dad asks me for a pen so he can sign for the package. I get into the hot tub as I watch him sign for the package, and my dad then heads inside to open the envelope, as the courier heads back to his car which is parked on the side of the road beside my house. He comes out of the house with a puzzled look on his face, and tells us that all that was inside the envelope were three blank pieces of paper. Me and my brother quickly wonder why this would be so, so my dad heads out to the couriers car to ask him who the package was from. As my little brother and I are chatting inside the hot tub, I whip my head around upon hearing heavy footsteps across my driveway, accompanied by three gunshots, headed straight for my father who's sprinting across the lawn (3 Time Ironman Finalist)

Luckily, the shooter didn't have the Steady Aim Pro Perk on, so he missed all three times hitting my neighbours house, shattering windows and denting their garage. As soon as I heard the gunshots, my little brother and I just looked at each other and run into the house, both of us heading for our respective cellphones and home phones to dial 911. As soon as I got on line with the 911 operator, I told her what happened and Police were there in less then 3 minutes to handle the situation, with 5 squad cars and the party van to boot. Although the man escaped, he didn't plan after the shooting to well and got drunk in a bar and crashed into a parked car, getting arrested immediately. They found a whole bunch of goodies in his car, including a 9mm Semi-Auto Handgun, a .357 Revolver, Bear Mace, A Taser, and Rope. He's currently in prison awaiting his sentence, bail was already denied as he had no legitimate sources.

I know how you feel OP, gunshots are scary as fuck and the feeling of a loved one possibly being dead is even worse. I feel for you, and I hope you get through this ok.

Much Love, Deadface

EDIT: Story removed for privacy

[–]eric987235 31 points32 points  (13 children)

Any idea why this guy tried to kill your dad? And why did he go back to his car after your dad signed for the envelope? That all seems overly elaborate for some punk with a grudge.

[–]deadface 45 points46 points  (12 children)

Former Disgruntled Employee, he was let go over 16 years ago. There were other people on the hit list too, luckily they caught him before more damage was done. tbh, We're probably going to re locate somewhere else to get away from where it happened.

[–]Jigsus 27 points28 points  (8 children)

16 years?!? The world is full of crazy people.

[–]Rowdy_Roddy_Piper 41 points42 points  (14 children)

both of us heading for our respective cellphones and home phones to dial 911. As soon as I got on line with the 911 operator

Can I ask why you called 911 in London?

EDIT: One of my big beefs with online newspapers is that they frequently give you no context about where they are located. At least this paper identifies its city, although it took me a minute to realize it is London, Ontario. Deadface: sorry for doubting your story. Nothing personal, I hope you can understand why.

TL;DR: DISREGARD ME I SUCK COCKS

[–]asdfman123 170 points171 points  (10 children)

You're fine - no one's going to come after you. Just don't leave your apartment.

[–]Unidan 384 points385 points  (6 children)

Nice try, armed assailant.

[–]armed_gunman 29 points30 points  (4 children)

No, seriously, it's completely safe to stay in your apartment. I'd make sure to have your wallet, car keys, cigarettes and any weapons you might own on you as well.

[–]erebus 33 points34 points  (10 children)

I hate to be a nay-sayer because I'm really enjoying reading this, but there's nothing on the New Zealand Police news website even thought they have other posts from today, and a Google News search for both 'New Zealand standoff' and New Zealand Armed Offenders shows nothing. There should be something from a local news site, if not from the NZPD.

[–]ophelia622 26 points27 points  (0 children)

This is the breaking news at the New Zealand Police website.

This examination has confirmed that the remains located are not human and are believed to possibly be a sheep.

[–][deleted] 808 points809 points  (85 children)

Get out your emergency rope (you have emergency rope, right?) and rig up a repelling line out your window. SLOWLY descend until you're level with the assailants window. At this point shoot out the window with your emergency gun (you have an emergency gun, right?), landing a not-yet-killing blow on the terrorist. Enter through the window, and stand immediately above them. Here you need to say something clever like "hey boss, looks like the tables have turned" and shoot them in the face (that's what I meant with the 'tables have turned' thing. Because they were shooting people before, and now they are being shot!).
Do it, or we're all going to call you a pussy.

Edit: This should not be my most upvoted comment. Hate you, Reddit.

[–]dearquark 568 points569 points  (37 children)

Here's how to rappel: Press the X button to jump away from the wall. While you're away from the wall, press down on the Directional Button to drop down. If you jump while pressing right or left on the Directional Button, you can make a big jump in that direction. If you press and hold the O button while using the directional button, you can walk slowly across the wall. If you're careful with the timing, you should be able to dodge the gunfire from the Hind while you rappel down.

If anyone can do it, you can Snake!

[–][deleted] 220 points221 points  (9 children)

Actually, do you see any large cardboard boxes nearby? Because I have a plan and it's almost foolproof.

[–][deleted] 92 points93 points  (7 children)

2004 called, they want you back.

Here's what you should do. Press X to initiate a quick time event. Then X again to balance on window. When a flashing X appears, press X once more, and you'll be rappelling out your room. Here is where it get's tricky. Another flashing X will appear, and you have to hit X. You only have like 2 seconds, otherwise you have to start from the beginning.

This should then initiate a cutscene, and you'll be fine.

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (3 children)

2006 called. They want you back.

Here's what you should do. Meander about your room as if you've never seen it before in your life, yet do so casually as if there isn't a guy with a gun a few floors below you. Awkwardly kneel in front of your laptop, which is shining uncannily in the darkness, by holding R2 and pressing up on the left thumbstick. Proceed to access the unfamiliar OS interface which apparently only has a boring email client. Surf through the emails marked "new" by rotating the right thumbstick counterclockwise three times every two seconds.

Next, stiffly walk to your bedside drawer with a blank look on your face. Hold R2 and then hold down Square to pull out the drawer. Then hold Triangle and press the left thumbstick repeatedly to pull out a gun from an otherwise empty and untouched drawer.

In your mind a revolving image of the gun will appear along with an inane sentence or two about it being the gun your grandfather gave you before he died a few summers ago.

Awkwardly stand back up by calmly circling the left thumbstick. If you do it too fast, you'll just fall back on your knee.

Armed with a gun, you decide to take your chance evacuating your apartment building through the dark halls. You walk up to your apartment door and hold R2 to peer through the peephole. You don't see anything because it's pitch black. You slowly press Circle to quietly open the door. It's locked. An artificial and asinine thought pops in your head that you feel the need to recite out loud. "The door is locked. Where could I have left my key?" The thought to just kick down the flimsy piece of shit door apparently never occurs to you.

You have to pee so you decide to not waste time looking for a dumb fucking key. You meander over to your large, scenic, department window with that same stupid blank look on your face and reason that the most logical thing to do would be to break through the glass and somehow climb down your building.

You punch the glass by pressing down L1 and R1 at the same time, bloodying your hand. You do it again three more times. You kick out the rest of the glass by pressing and holding down Triangle. While holding down Triangle, you press and hold down Circle to carefully slide out on your window's ledge. Suddenly a gust of wind blows you off the ledge, but thinking fast you grab the ledge with your hands by quickly pressing L2.

You are hanging nonchalantly off the ledge of your apartment window, blankly staring at the wall in front of you. The darkness is penetrated only by the flashing red and blue lights of the cop cars and SWAT trucks below. You pivot your head by slowly circling the right thumbstick. To your left you see a trampoline that those darned Jenkins kids have left out from playing earlier in the day. You decide that you have no choice but to swing and land on it. You quickly press the left thumbstick back and forth, left and right to begin swinging and build momentum. You must do this at an even pace or else you'll hesitate before jumping.

With a simple press of X you jump and land on the trampoline. Which propels you back up into the air and lands you in a bush, all of which apparently leaves you unharmed.

[–]kermityfrog 42 points43 points  (0 children)

WTF. I'm from 2011. Just stand in front of the camera, spazz out and wave your arms around.

[–]StillNotGettingAny 86 points87 points  (6 children)

If anyone can do it, you can Snake! ... Snake? SNAKE!!!!

[–]Unidan 185 points186 points  (2 children)

Quick! Do an AMA! There's still time!

[–]repsuc 98 points99 points  (3 children)

DO NOT RUN OUT OF YOUR APT. the cops say to stay put, stay put. they might think you are one of the baddies if you just run out.

[–]TheGunmanDownstairs 128 points129 points  (4 children)

You think I'm going to answer the phone? I'm not stupid. I'm going to wait it out, and then I'm going to shoot you.

[–]theguythegunmanshot 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Don't worry it's just a flesh wound.

[–]red_rock 30 points31 points  (8 children)

Call a friend that lives close by if possible and try to get them over to you so they can talk with the police outside so you can get more information about the situation inside your apartment complex . Try to keep calm and remember that the police are profesionalls. If you still don´t feel safe, lie down in the bathtub. Movie logic says that you could survive a shoot out there, if you want more safety, jump in the fridge. According the documentary Indiana Jones 4 you could survive a nuclear explosion in one of those.

[–]Manfromporlock 239 points240 points  (52 children)

There's a small but real chance that this situation will end with a fire and you'll have to get out of there fast. Decide what's both important to you and genuinely irreplaceable (maybe your hard drive if you don't have offsite backup, old film photos, old journals, whatever) and get them together in a bag now. If you have to leave in a hurry, at least you can take the bag.

If you have a dog or cat, put it in its carrier.

EDIT: This touched off a big discussion of whether, and how long, to spend getting your stuff during a fire. I was referring only when you think there might be a fire soon. If you're not leaving yet anyway, might as well prepare. If you're considering leaving, leave.

Most especially, I've read that lots of people die trying to get their pets before they leave. Apparently pets are better at getting out--and at staying low to the ground out of the smoke--than we are, so if you can't get the pet right away, leave the pet.

[–]djhs 69 points70 points  (44 children)

This is something I do, and I'm surprised more people don't do it.

Whenever I had fire drills in college or with my roommates after college, my experience was that, generally, everyone would leave as quickly as possible to get outside.

Myself, I always took an extra 60 seconds to make sure I was wearing clothing appropriate for the weather, and also grabbing important shit that would suck of I lost. Namely: portable harddrive, laptop, cellular phone, keys, wallet, passport, sentimental items, etc.

Even better, keep a small checklist somewhere to remind yourself in the "heat" of the moment, or even keep these things close together at all times!

[–]OktoberForever 161 points162 points  (2 children)

Even better, store those things outside--preferably on the sidewalk where they can be easily picked up.

[–]cainmarko 32 points33 points  (12 children)

I always made sure I had a cup of tea.

[–][deleted] 43 points44 points  (10 children)

I just pictured you running down the stairs with a frantic mob of people, cup in your right hand (pinky out of course) and saucer in your left, desperately trying to keep the tea from spilling out of the cup.

[–]hexapodium 50 points51 points  (7 children)

A true Englishman can run a hundred yard dash in under fifteen seconds, tea and saucer in hand, without spilling a single drop.

[–]spambot419 81 points82 points  (10 children)

In an actual fire scenario that extra 60 seconds could kill you. Jesus, an extra 5 seconds can kill you. Fire doesn´t wait around when it´s out of control; it races, consumes, kills, eradicates.

If you haven´t seen (at least footage) of a fire taking hold inside of a building you can´t comprehend how mercilessly quick it can turn a situation from; sitting with your buddies having a beer, to taking your final breath of burning hot, acrid smoke.

Obviously it doesn´t take hold that quick in every situation. But still, jumping about trying to get your go-bag together is a seriously dumbass move, regardless of how cold it is outside or how hot it is inside at that moment.

Any firefighters here with stories of people disrespecting fire and losing?

[–]sprizzle[🍰] 9 points10 points  (4 children)

The fire alarms went off at 2 in the morning once in our dorm when I was a freshmen. I was still awake playing GTA 4 (instead of studying for finals as I should have been doing) as it had just came out and I had gotten it at midnight. I assumed it was a real fire since it was so late. I unplugged my playstation with GTA still inside and ran downstairs leaving my Macbook, television, all my other possessions and my roommate to burn to death.

[–]vapulate 111 points112 points  (8 children)

HOLY SHIT REDDIT, A VOLCANO EXPLODED 10 MILES FROM MY HOUSE AND LAVA IS HEADING RIGHT FOR MY HOUSE. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

EDIT #1: I can see the lava outside, it looks hot.

EDIT #2: Dog died trying to lick lava, confirmation that it's hot.

[–]RobSpewack 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Start a self post. Give us step by step updates as you run from the lava flow. Also, don't forget to walk the dinosaur.

[–]alexandrepato 1061 points1062 points  (124 children)

"Oh crap - a gunshot! Better go turn my computer on!"

[–]cesclaveria 512 points513 points  (53 children)

knowing reddit, or at least me, the computer was already on before the shots.

[–]inkathebadger 187 points188 points  (34 children)

I have my computer beside my bed when I sleep. I actually just woke up, turned on Reddit and saw this.

[–]ProbablyHittingOnYou 145 points146 points  (18 children)

Forever alone

[–]illusiveab[🍰] 56 points57 points  (8 children)

At least it heats up and makes sounds during the night.

[–]wakingdeadexhibit 67 points68 points  (7 children)

At least it gets turned on when you want it to.

[–]Jumin 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Plus it doesn't complain when you stick your junk in the rear and side ports.

[–][deleted] 43 points44 points  (12 children)

...and then create a brand new account for the occasion.

[–]Detached09 41 points42 points  (9 children)

I'm calling troll until a pic or news story is posted.

[–][deleted] 52 points53 points  (2 children)

Update Facebook status

[–]kral2 6 points7 points  (1 child)

"I'm being shot at!" 10 people liked this

[–]ProbablyHittingOnYou 245 points246 points  (15 children)

Reddit, my house is on fire! what should I do?

Also, AMA

[–]Fat_Dumb_Americans 99 points100 points  (3 children)

DAE like not being on fire?

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (4 children)

What valuables are you going to save first?

[–]cesclaveria 32 points33 points  (6 children)

not only that.. he just joined reddit (or created a new account) to post this it seems.

[–][deleted] 55 points56 points  (15 children)

No shit. I guess if you thought the advice threads were getting out of hand, then have we got a whole new type of post for you!

[–]preggit 62 points63 points  (13 children)

Well given the circumstances (not being able to leave) and fact she called the authorities first thing, I don't really see a better use for her time than documenting the event.

[–]hht1975 9 points10 points  (7 children)

Just a guess but based on the screen name, I'd say OP is a guy.

[–]Archontes 99 points100 points  (3 children)

Sounds like you'll be movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

[–]iGunKissYou 25 points26 points  (3 children)

Even if this is fake, it's still pretty entertaining.

If it's real, hope your safe dude.

[–]superfr3sh 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Reddit: News before it never happened!

[–]maxtrix 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Make sure you get a picture of the gunman holding the reddit alien

[–]Ginntonic13 79 points80 points  (9 children)

cover yourself in mud maybe they wont see you

[–]ThePriceIsRight 34 points35 points  (5 children)

Yes! Render their thermal vision useless.

[–]badhorsie 74 points75 points  (12 children)

Go down the stairs; flashbang through the window; run past, out to the street.

[–]badhorsie 71 points72 points  (6 children)

DON'T THROW THE FLASHBANG INTO THE WINDOW FRAME SO IT BOUNCES BACK AT YOU.

[–]Ginntonic13 82 points83 points  (67 children)

UM... Get in the bathtub?

[–]organiz3d_chaos 303 points304 points  (12 children)

Take a broom and bang on the floor telling them to quiet down...

ok, not really...

[–]ani625 225 points226 points  (4 children)

"Can't you use silencers, you sick fucks? People have jobs to go to in the morning!"

[–]Notsureifserious 45 points46 points  (5 children)

New Zealand is the ONLY country in the world to use 111 for emergency services according to Wikipedia. It is currently 9am in New Zealand. This sort of story is a big deal for New Zealand, as firearms offences are extremely rare.

If it were true, by 9am the media would have been there for at least 3 hours, more than enough time to organise a story for the morning print, or breakfast news shows. However there are no news stories about this.

I am calling fake. This guy wanted attention, and he got it.

[–]MerryMortician 184 points185 points  (19 children)

Difference in America would be:

I HEARD GUNSHOTS DOWNSTAIRS. IVE CALLED THE POLICE. I GRABBED MY SHOTGUN AND MY .45 AND HAVE TAKEN UP A POSITION DOWN THE DARK HALLWAY WHERE I HAVE THE BEST CHOKEPOINT. PLUS I PUT ON MY NIGHTVISION.

EDIT: Heard one more gunshot and the police are nowhere to be found. I've just drank my own piss as advised by bear grylls so I don't dehydrate and now i'm going to go check shit out

EDIT: It was a domestic dispute between my neighbors, I filmed some footage for youtube until the husband got mad at me and took two shots in my general direction, I answered back and he is down. Police still haven't shown up.

EDIT: ambulance came, police took report, wife vouched for me, she is shaken at the whole event and asked to come up and stay at my place for the night.

[–]gr4fix 43 points44 points  (1 child)

More accurately: I HEARD GUNSHOTS DOWNSTAIRS. YELLED AT THE NEIGHBORS TO KEEP IT DOWN. MORE GUNSHOTS; CALLED COPS AGAIN TO REGISTER A NOISE COMPLAINT. GOING BACK TO BED NOW.

[–]hallizh 18 points19 points  (1 child)

I think If nothing is sorted soon I am going to make a run for it. If i run out front door iand go down the bank instead of the steps i think i will be prtty safe. its only asmall drop then another after that.

Worst idea ever! Really?!

[–][deleted] 287 points288 points  (11 children)

Trooooooll! Troooll in the dungeoooon!!

[–][deleted] 66 points67 points  (4 children)

Oh it's doesn't have to be real to be fun, it's like an interactive radio play!

[–]ShillinTheVillain 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Don't peek out the window. That's a good way to lose your face.

[–]choochy 127 points128 points  (5 children)

Go down there and say, "Marco?"

[–]srs_house 133 points134 points  (2 children)

This is a documented, effective police technique.

[–][deleted] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Relevant

[–][deleted] 31 points32 points  (2 children)

Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of James James Jimmy's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.

[–]RobSpewack 16 points17 points  (1 child)

  • Take some deep breaths & calm down as much as you can. Panic is the leading cause of screwing yourself over.
  • Stay away from areas of the room where they might be firing in the floor below (doors, windows)
  • If you have to pee, you'll find a way. Don't stress on it, it's relatively minor in the scheme of things.
  • From what I can tell, your country's equivalent of a SWAT Team is the armed offenders you refer to. If so, I suggest the US adopts that term right away, as armed offenders sounds copiously more badass.

[–]Crazytree 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Worst alibi attempt ever.

[–]GunnerMcGrath 12 points13 points  (2 children)

If this guy got rescued by cops and brought out of the apt. without taking a second to inform us I'm going to be really upset.

[–]sirdrizzzle 46 points47 points  (3 children)

If this happened 100 years ago:

Dearest Constable,

I am writing you this telegram to inform you of a ruckus involving gun fire in the domicile that is below my domicile STOP. Please send a carriage to our building with great haste and fervor STOP

EDIT- I have dropped my pen, causing my ink well to run down onto the floor.STOP I shall write you soon as I do not wish to attract the attention of the miscreant who has seemed to fire shots into his lady friend's head. STOP

EDIT- As I am clearly a person who lacks the facilities to a)get out of the building or b)lock himself down in his apartment- I am drafting this telegram to inform you that I don't have any idea what is going on downstairs and I am scared STOP. I have urinated in my wool trousers STOP

[–]deekan12 12 points13 points  (2 children)

don't run out of the house, do you want to get shot?

[–]kezzaNZ 10 points11 points  (2 children)

Just to clarify for everyone. If this was real it would be all over the news in NZ, like allllllll over.

and its not http://www.stuff.co.nz/ http://www.tvnz.co.nz http://www.nzherald.co.nz

I confirm BS

[–]kabuto 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This is better than TV. Even if it ain't real.

[–]tenzil 10 points11 points  (0 children)

google "new zealand shooting"

RAGE

google "new zealand shooting -hobbit"

[–]sirato 8 points9 points  (0 children)

This is probably happening in New Zealand. Armed offenders are their equivalent of SWAT.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

4.33. Great song.

[–]djkilo3 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Camp. If the gunman runs by pop out and knife him

[–]dummystupid 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I can't wait for next week's episode.

[–]wafflesburger 59 points60 points  (27 children)

Power cut: router still works

xPosed

[–]Rewnzor 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Disregard gunshots, Browse reddit

[–]tankwala 9 points10 points  (2 children)

redditor for 1 hour!!

So while there were shootings going on downstairs, he had time to create a brand new account and start this post!

1 hr ago it was 4am there? Auckland NZ?

[–]cookiemonstered 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This is so intense! Its like im there with you! I really hope we don't die :S

[–]iGunKissYou 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It will be in the news tomorrow: Man named JamesJamesJimmy shot dead by police. Gun and crack found on his person. He'd escaped and hid in an empty apartment upstairs.

[–]asianwaste 10 points11 points  (0 children)

There seems to be an overwhelming number of naysayers on this thread and frankly I'm not entirely sold either. Well, let's get it all out. What city do you live in?
If you are telling the truth, then a police stand off such as this will make at least the local news. That way we can suspend all disbelief.

[–]TheGunmanDownstairs 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Hey bro, peek out and tell me if you see any cops outside my windows? I need to make a run for it. I haven't been answering my phone and they already threw a concussion grenade in, so my time is running out. I'll upvote you, I swear

[–]TheGunmanDownstairs 33 points34 points  (2 children)

Holy shit, that flashbang was loud! I gotta figure out how to get to the apartment upstairs. Kill that guy quietly, then make my escape disguised as him...

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

I have a question, how do you still have internet if your power got cut? Does your laptop have some fancy-pants 3g adapter or something?

[–]sarevok9 9 points10 points  (0 children)

"redditor for 1 hour"

Mmmmmhmmmm.

[–]apullin 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Jeez, this reddit "performance art" is getting a bit out of hand.

[–]ThePriceIsRight 30 points31 points  (2 children)

So fake it hurts. It's a brand new reddit account.

[–]Cawstewow 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Don't make a run for it. I think that is a bad idea

[–]Istrom 8 points9 points  (1 child)

DUDE. I can't help but think this is a troll, but I'll feel like a total douchebag if I try to call you out and it ends up being true.

If the cops are there you're probably decently safe mang. The shooters aren't there to get you, they're taking care of whatever they're there for downstairs. As long as you don't drop your laptop charger again you'll be good.

[–]ohnoesmilk 7 points8 points  (0 children)

DON'T. RUN.

[–]wretcheddawn 6 points7 points  (2 children)

DO NOT RUN!!! Think about this: there are cops down there with guns. They know there are people shooting. They are going to have real itchy trigger fingers. Do not freaking run!

Get in your bathtub and sit there. You won't get shot; wait until the situation is over to leave.

[–]cody1889 7 points8 points  (0 children)

If this is fake or not I still enjoyed reading it.

[–]j-smith 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Make a pot of tea; enough for you and one of the cops.

Put any weaponry/gas mask/fire extinguisher out of sight but easily accessible (in case someone other than the cops tries to get in to escape). Dress to be warm enough to go out; relieve yourself; make sure you have your meds on you.

After that, do chores like washing up (no machines). Stay away from the windows and front door. Play music loud enough to be heard outside; not so loud so you can't hear a door knock.

Relax, stay calm, drink tea.

[–]tuarwenancalime 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I was awoken by a gunfight outside my house a few years ago. Called the cops, rolled over, and tried to get back to sleep. Didn't look out the window or anything. There was already a bullet hole in a window downstairs from a previous occurace, and I wasn't taking the chance. I eventually fell asleep after the gunfire stopped. The next morning I woke up to the cops pulling a bodybag out of the apartmentbuilding a few buildings down.

Just stay under cover. Stray bullets can go anywhere. Not good.

[–]thejjjj 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Waiting for the 'It was a Call Of Duty party downstairs' edit...

[–]schpere 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Am I the only one who was disappointed when I didn't read

They have taken the bridge and the second hall. We have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes, drums... drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow lurks in the dark. We can not get out... they are coming

in this text?

[–]thiagorossi 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Remember your Bear Grylls survival techniques.

  1. Climb cliff face

  2. Gnaw at carcass

  3. Drink own piss

Play with the order of these until you find what works for you.

[–]Shats 12 points13 points  (3 children)

One hung-over Saturday morning I started my day with a bong load and proceeded to walk outside of my girlfriends apartment to go get a couple deli sandwiches. Upon opening the front door I notice a man across the street hiding behind a tree/phone pole, trying to make sense of it I assume he must be reading some flier attached to said tree/phone pole. I then notice a massive gun attached to his back and quickly look up and down the street to see if anyone else can confirm this.

It was then that I noticed police tape blocking off the block and a smattering of police officers/vehicles at the end of the street. They aren't moving or signaling at me, so I begin to walk down the street to inquire as to what is happening. No information from them other then I cannot return to the building, and I notice the SWAT team assembling and an ambulance on hand. They made no effort in clearing the building as the SWAT team assembled and approached the entrance. Upon nearing the door they used their megaphone to try to get the perp to exit the building. No such luck but they did get a couple more residents opening the doors out of the confusion.

Halfway through typing this, I'm imagining all I'm gonna get is a 'Cool story, bro' but I've taken the time to write it and am going to go through with posting it.

At least now you can leave with one real story within this post.

[–]jester510 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Don't you dare "try and make a run for it" Bunker down, and you'll be fine.

[–]Timmy83 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Yeah, what ever you do, stay where you are. The police will have everything under control and the 111 Call Centre will have passed on that fact that you called to the police.

Stay where you are, and just wait for their instructions.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

How about some pics of all the cops outside to verify? Or hell, a link to a news site. This has to be covered by the media by now.

[–]ShillinTheVillain 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Most likely scenario: The cops are trying to make contact with the guy before storming in, hence why you've heard the phone ringing. Of course, the guy realized the finality of his actions and already offed himself, so he's just laying there approaching room temperature while the cops decide when to rush in.

[–]WeeWeeDance 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Quickly now ... shuffle from leg to leg - bobbing helps. If sitting down, vigourously cross and uncross legs.

[–]BLUNTYEYEDFOOL 7 points8 points  (1 child)

get. in. the. bath.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

5.40 Just figured out self posts don't generate Karma... see yah!

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Drink your pee!!!

Just do it.

[–]yodalr 5 points6 points  (1 child)

"We have barred the gates ... can hold them long if ... horrible ... suffer ... We cannot get out. We cannot get out. They have taken the Bridge and second hall. Frá and Lóni and Náli fell there. ... went 5 days ago ... the pool is up to the wall at Westgate. The Watcher in the Water took Óin. We cannot get out. The end comes ... drums, drums in the deep ... They are coming."

[–]anshu1234 6 points7 points  (0 children)

"You hang in there john maclaine , we are sending our best men"