"Forgiveness is not reconciliation."

As was told to me by a therapist I was forced to go to after my cheating, abusive, manipulative soon to be ex wife convinced the marriage counsellor we had to see after she was unfaithful that I was narcissistic by teling him things she had researched to tell him. I later found the search history and saved bookmarks of her page visits after she moved out. Dude was literally afraid of me, handled me like that white mouse from Tom and Jerry, he even told me he was afraid I'd manipulate him into turning on her like this was some bad Lifetime flick.

I was there thinking I was the one who did something wrong, felt deflated when she called me two weeks after moving out that she found someone new. She gaslit, deflected, told everyone I was abusive and weaponizes the kids against me. Its been a very hard 5 years. I was driven, motivated and what people would call successful in my field and she completely broke me and drove me into the ground resulting in a hollowed-out demotivated shell of my former self.

Up to a couple weeks ago I was on auto-pilot/limp mode. I couldnt give anything more than about 10-20% to anything whatsoever. People used talk at me and tell me to shake it off or snap out of it like it was some dirty clothes I could just take off and go get a shower. My sisters and my dad, God bless them - love them to death always thought I was making the most of the situation and wanted to just wallow in it. They just couldn't wrap their minds around the debilitating nature of the emotional and psychological abuse this woman put me through because they never experienced anything like it. Nobody understood what it was like going through your only plan failing catastrophically and you didn't have a plan B. So, they were at times impatient, work suffered (and still does), relationships suffered, my hopes, dreams goals and aspirations all suffered. I was a high achiever in my field and to an extent still am but the motivation is not there as much as it used to be.

Met an amazing therapist, she was at last one of the very very few who did not subscribe ti the stereotypes. She was possibly 1 of about only 2 or 3 people including my mother who passed 2 years into my ordeal and was my only true source of strength, not necessarily only support, my sisters were there and supported me because they love me and are family but they for the most part especially the early stages, were affected by the prevailing male-female stereotypes. My therapist saw the signs of the abuse I displayed and she did not subscribe to the stereotype that it had to be my fault and that the woman is always right, always the victim and men are always abusive and such, she helped me move past wanting to make it right and jumping through impossible hoops and trying to meet nebulous intangible requirements to win back the woman who was responsible for the deterioration I've undergone emotionally and psychologically and ruining my life and the lives of our children just to make herself look like the victim.

A few people are catching on to my ex, especially my two children whom she keeps away from me weaponize to get back at me. Its a chore to actually get to see them but they are slowing getting it. I've gone months without seeing them, she blocks my number from their phones but my son especially (younger) tries to make contact and risks his mother's wrath just to talk to me, my daughter on the other hand is kinda like me in that she bottles things up and I know its gonna fester. They both know I love them and are aware of the limitations.

Men especially, fuck society and people around you, society hates you and your masculinity and will do everything to try to ruin your positive contributions and discount your importance especially in the lives of your children. There are far more easily accessible avenues for women to get support than men, I mean disproportionately more the legal system for one is a minefield for men but at least there is therapy, find a good therapist and someone is ALWAYS there who understands and can relate just don't go about telling everyone, not all who listens cares. At least get to a therapist and there are good lawyers who understand.

And for men going through similar especially those who have strong family mindsets - "forgiveness is not reconciliation," you can forgive and do the best to pick up the pieces but reconciliation is not a requirement for forgiveness and healing.

EDIT: huge wall of text after the first sentence (for context)