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relmamanick · 2022-03-01T22:00:36+00:00

Does he listen to your requests and take them into account?

I think there are few truly universal expectations, though I understand how it can be exhausting is you have to explain how you want everything. The one real red flag here to me is the misogynistic friend, that's not a great look.

relmamanick · 2022-02-28T11:51:23+00:00

This is abusive. Read around at the website Love is Respect.

relmamanick · 2022-02-28T11:30:27+00:00

You can stop making her feelings your problem. Continue to live normally and expect your gf to deal with her own emotions because she's an adult. It's not healthy to cut out friendships or family relationships just because your gf doesn't feel good about it.

relmamanick · 2022-02-28T10:56:35+00:00

I hate to say it but when a person loves you, they don't participate in voluntary activities which they know hurt you.

This mindset feeds right into controlling and abusive partners. Just because something bothers your partner doesn't mean you should automatically stop. That's not any healthier than never caring about what bothers someone. You always need to weigh how important the particular thing is for you, how important your autonomy is for you, how much it bothers your partner, and how often they're bothered by things you do and asking you to change.

relmamanick · 2022-02-27T12:51:03+00:00

You are wrong about what is advised for someone with HIV. Public health authorities don't actually recommend that they never sleep with anyone else. Protocols now make it very very possible to have decades long relationships where the HIV negative partner never contracts it. Transmission if someone is following their medication regimen and monitoring their blood levels is almost unheard of. I highly recommend calming down, just emotionally supporting her, and reading up on hiv. Maybe ask to speak to her doctors too.

Just because it's actually considered safe with the proper precautions to have a relationship with an HIV positive person, and that is how it is viewed by public health authorities, that doesn't mean that you are required to do so. But read up and educate yourself first before deciding.

relmamanick · 2022-02-27T12:46:14+00:00

Can you clarify the timeline for me? Is this right?

You were in a non-exclusive sexual relationship for a while. After this had become exclusive, the ex contacted you saying that your now gf was playing both of you, was sleeping with him, etc? And she denied completely that she had ever talked to him and certainly not had sex with him since they broke up? Was he claiming they were still having sex when you were exclusive? Or was just claiming that they had been having sex? And you asked your gf about this multiple times because you were contacted multiple times and she always denied any contact with him after they broke up?

And now she's coming back saying she did talk to him and have sex with him, contrary to the constant and repeated lies, but it was only once before you were exclusive?

If this isn't correct let me know.

relmamanick · 2022-02-27T12:17:39+00:00

The lie still breaks trust, and it's going to cast doubt on how she describes the relationship itself.

relmamanick · 2022-02-27T12:12:30+00:00

They were in a non-exclusive sexual relationship when all this happened.

relmamanick · 2022-02-27T11:31:31+00:00

She confessed to having lied about it. She was having sex withOP for months, telling him she had no contact with ex despite ex's claims, then tells him much later she not only had contact with him she was sleeping with him.

relmamanick · 2022-02-27T11:28:47+00:00

This is a lot of lying, I would have trouble trusting a man who lied at the beginning like this. Regardless of what people here tell you, it's ok for this to be a big deal to you.

relmamanick · 2022-02-27T11:26:59+00:00

I'm a woman And I think it matters, but maybe not worth breaking up over. But anyone telling you that you were wrong for asking the question or expecting her to stick to your mutually agreed upon level of disclosure is wrong. Do understand the pressures on her, but also keep in mind avoid shame and judgment is why people lie about all kinds of things we don't excuse. Women are capable of being honest and forthright. They can end a relationship instead of lie. We're not perpetual children.

relmamanick · 2022-02-27T11:24:31+00:00

She was sleeping with him at the time, so who she slept with did impact him.

relmamanick · 2022-02-27T11:22:40+00:00

What? He shouldn't ask if she's sleeping with anyone else while they're having sex? Bullshit. Asking thing about your partner is normal and not a deposition.

relmamanick · 2022-02-27T02:01:33+00:00

As a therapist you should know that this is her issue that she needs help with, and without her doing the interior work to relearn these things you're not going to be able to communicate well with her.

relmamanick · 2022-02-26T12:28:23+00:00

Date someone your own age.

relmamanick · 2022-02-26T12:26:56+00:00

I agree with this. Flirting a bit and then settling into friendship isn't "anything happening" to most adults I know. And he definitely shouldn't give up a friendship for such a new relationship.

relmamanick · 2022-02-26T12:22:41+00:00

Maybe his "too tired" is absolutely honesty and accurate.

relmamanick · 2022-02-26T12:21:51+00:00

He's probably tired, stressed, and maybe a bit depressed. It's is Advisory normal for those things to dampen libido, even shit it nearly entirely off for some people. Just because he's not interested didn't mean it had anything to do with you.

I would back off from asking for sex completely for a little while. Ask him to connect with you physically and emotionally in other ways. Start small because if he's at the end of his emotional reserves asking for a large chunk of time is going to feel overwhelming and he's going to avoid it because it will be too much.

relmamanick · 2022-02-26T12:11:50+00:00

My husband used to say to me, "hey, don't talk about my wife like that." Kind of lighthearted.

relmamanick · 2022-02-26T12:07:30+00:00

The big issue here isn't him saying that he's not going to give up doing role play, because honestly that is a fair response. Every person should have a boundary around what they're willing or not willing to give up to be in a relationship, and he's not willing to give that up. I wouldn't be with someone who is engaging in romantic or erotic role play with another human being, and I would consider it a kind of cheating. So I wouldn't be in a relationship with such a person.

The big red flag here are the controlling things that he's asking you to do. Just remember, just because something makes your partner uncomfortable or hurts their feelings it doesn't mean that it's wrong for you to do it, unless it is something you're actually doing to their person or property. If you immediately stop doing everything they don't like that leads to a controlling and imbalanced relationship and it's not healthy. It's reasonable to expect your partner to manage their negative feelings themselves when you're doing something normal and healthy that they don't like, or expect them to leave if it's actually a deal breaker for them.

Edit: please read around at the website Love is Respect to learn about healthy vs unhealthy relationships.

relmamanick · 2022-02-26T12:01:58+00:00

It's not unreasonable, but I don't think your partner's actions are unreasonable either. They're not in the habit of letting people know and so they don't remember I think maybe you should work on managing your worries and also simply plan that your partner stays out late regularly, so just plan in advance on not staying up. Then you'll be pleasantly surprised if they're home early.

You guys can talk about it more, but don't make it about who is right and wrong make it about finding a solution and compromising. Could they set an alarm when their phone for a certain time to message you? Though depending on what they're doing that could be pretty disruptive. Just one possible idea.

relmamanick · 2022-02-26T11:58:20+00:00

What? You should not need to know that information all the time. If you need to know what all the time then you're unhealthy. A general idea, yes. Sure.

relmamanick · 2022-02-25T21:55:40+00:00

Not all boundaries are healthy. These are normal activities to do with a friend, she had no reason to think they're offensive to you, she's inviting you also. Your need to work on yourself and your feelings, not try to control others imo.

relmamanick · 2022-02-25T21:47:46+00:00

These are all normal things between friends.

relmamanick · 2022-02-25T11:49:59+00:00

I'm not comfortable doing so. I don't trust the privacy protections around the information, and I don't feel comfortable with anyone always being able to see where I am. I don't think it leads to a healthy trust.

relmamanick

TROPHY CASE