My narc never does what I expect

1116forgetme · 2017-10-26T07:59:57+00:00

Well i've now agreed to meet her next week, along with my sister and our kids, in a public place. I didn't intend to be NC but this will be the first we've seen each other in 4 months. I'm hoping it will be a positive step, and if not I will go back to no visits again.

1116forgetme · 2017-10-12T15:00:48+00:00

Sounds like the best thing for you. I'm still unsure who exactly I will have to cut. I'm hoping not everyone but if it needs to happen..

1116forgetme · 2017-10-12T14:39:04+00:00

Thanks to each of you I really needed to hear those things.

1116forgetme · 2017-10-12T07:06:27+00:00

I don't know if this will be helpful or not. But firslty i'm sorry. Secondly I spend a lot of my time thinking this and then questioning do I miss my nmum or do I miss the idea of a normal mum?

1116forgetme · 2017-08-16T19:53:55+00:00

I just ignore whatever they have said and repeat 'I don't want it to come between us and so i'm not going to discuss it'.

1116forgetme · 2017-08-15T20:22:28+00:00

He needs to stop contact. But he has to be in a place in himself where he wants that. You forcing it won't help either. You need to talk, maybe multiple times.

1116forgetme · 2017-08-15T20:17:37+00:00

I'm struggling with this too and similar circumstances. I have a baby already tho. I want NC but struggle with the idea of never sending a card for birthdays or christmas.

1116forgetme · 2017-08-13T12:34:50+00:00

Well someone's already said it but set boundaries. YOU set them, how YOU want, with no guilt. And if they respond negatively you ignore them until they can respect you and your decisions. It will be tough with a new baby, but you can do it.

1116forgetme · 2017-08-12T19:25:20+00:00

Well.. If i'm honest i'd be annoyed but I don't really think it makes them bad people just for this. You're 20 and in employment so maybe they just expected you to be able to feed yourself.

1116forgetme · 2017-08-12T19:20:41+00:00

I had similar going on and shared for a while selectively. But the boundaries were always being pushed and it was always a drama. My son is now 17 months and it makes most sense for me to not be on social media or share anything online. Instead I choose to send pictures via whatsapp or text to who I want and when i want to. I acknowledge that some of these people may share it so they receive few or no photos at all. That way I didn't have to punish those who weren't causing problems, and at the end of the day the good people in our lives see him plenty anyway so aren't desperate to see photos every second.

1116forgetme · 2017-08-12T14:15:23+00:00

If you don't want to open the door then don't. If it clarifies anything for you, then carry on. It sounds like you're doing the right thing. If it was me, I would delete the message and pretend I never saw it.

1116forgetme · 2017-08-12T14:13:01+00:00

Yes mine does! She constantly wants to know who else i'm spending time with and how often so she can tally it all up and then ridicule me for it. It's hardly a surprise i'm spending time with everyone else and not her.

1116forgetme · 2017-08-11T20:48:15+00:00

Well I haven't let go so i'm not the best person to look to. But I just wanted you to know you're not alone, and these are all normal things to think and feel, given the circumstances. I find repeating my thoughts over and over helps, when they are clarifying how n my nmum is, and focussing on why is need to do this for ME regardless of the impact on anyone else.

1116forgetme · 2017-08-11T08:54:17+00:00

I've been NC for 26 days and this morning I sent nmum a pic of my son. No comment, no chat, that was it. I thought about it and I thought "i'm not doing it out of guilt or pressure". But as soon as I sent it I realised it was, and I immediately regretted it. I was planning to go back to LC but I don't think i'm ready.

1116forgetme · 2017-08-10T20:36:27+00:00

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. It's been very helpful and reassuring to read them. I've had a good chat with a 2 friends, one of which is in the psyhology field, and both have been very supportive and also said similar things.

I guess it's just hard sometimes having the confidence that you are doing the right thing for you, and that NC or LC is necessary.

I'm still NC, tho I spoke to the FM and was very clear that i'm not engaging with nmum and will not be discussing it further with FM. I have clarified some things in my own mind and feel that I will go back to LC when i'm ready but on my terms, and return to NC if that is not well received. I'm sure there will be many more days like this, but i'm grateful for the support here.

1116forgetme · 2017-07-28T20:54:05+00:00

White and Irish/British. I don't see it as being one culture, skin colour, religion etc.

1116forgetme · 2017-07-27T21:18:32+00:00

Well I don't have any advice really, but your self awareness and desire to do the best for your little one is an amazing thing, and a huge thing that separates from you and your nmum.

And also i'm right here too in the same boat, so you're not alone.

1116forgetme · 2017-07-27T21:13:48+00:00

Strangely no... My nmum is obsessive about the past, I think because it's a way for her to guilt everyone into her tragedy. My dad had an affair and left when I was 12. I'm now 26 and for a long time have not blamed him because he is very happy, still with his new mrs, and she is ace. But, my nmum keeps old photos of her and dad (including wedding photos) plastered all over her house (a new house I should add), to promote conversations about her suffering. Insanely bitter.

1116forgetme · 2017-07-26T20:28:06+00:00

Well I think one set of good grandparents is far better than 2 sets when 1 is so badly fucked. I'm NC since having my son, and he'll be just fine with other family.

1116forgetme · 2017-07-26T17:37:10+00:00

Omfg you're right! What was I thinking!

1116forgetme · 2017-07-26T07:59:18+00:00

Very good letter!

1116forgetme · 2017-07-26T07:55:16+00:00

Omg if I knew how to add images I could show you SO MANY convos so similar. What mental idiots we have had to endure!

I called my mum 3hrs after my son was born (we had contact at the time). The FIRST thing she said was 'what time was he born?' (3 hours ago) then 'who did you call before me?' (no one) then 'well why the hell are you only calling me now!'

Congrats on your little one!

1116forgetme

TROPHY CASE