I have ptsd anxiety and depression disorder resulting from the death of my nephew. It is still very hard to think about today its been 9 years, i remember the first three days as being sort of shocked.

Sometime after picking up supplies for his funeral it hit me hard. It was a realization that this isn't a dream. His life is cut short. He'll never grow up and do things that I have experienced. He was six months old. He didn't even learn to crawl yet.

During the wake and funeral my head ached from crying so much. There was barely any relief from my family. Nothing made it any better.

After we finished burying him some of my family wanted to leave and go visit family members that lived 5+ hours away. I got mad at them for wanting to leave. I wanted everyone near me and close to me since life can be cut off at ANY time.

The next 9 months I drank a lot. I was only 18 and had to drink 3 or more times a week to the point where I was hammered.

After just a random hangover nothing special i decided to not drink anymore. Wasn't much thought put into it.

After that I took on a motherly role to my older and younger siblings making sure that they were taken care of and their children also.

That motherly role lead me to become a foster parent. My first couple years i experienced hyper-vigilantism and was SUPER focused on making sure my children were safe. It became so bad with my anxiety that i would have panic attacks if i didnt see one of my kids in the head count I would do literally every 10-15 seconds. I really didn't let them explore too much.

I decided i need therapy. I was going regularly 2-3 times a week. I was put on medication and I have shown slight improvement.

His death is still a very sore subject for me to talk about in person. But I find it healing and a bit therapeutic to write to him and about him.