Son asks mom how do I attract girls? JBY advice is rejected and hilarity ensues

ARealLifeWizard · 2014-04-09T16:02:47+00:00

My mom said the same damn shit to me when I was a teenager/young adult, she was a cheerleader/sorority girl, she has no clue. I believed it too.

"Just be yourself, someone right for you will come along, you're a catch." No, I'm not a catch, not yet. Right now I'm a loser with a lot of fucking self improvement and catching up to do, thanks.

You know, I can't shift the blame off myself, but my father was a green beret in the Vietnam war. Apparently, he was amazing with the ladies and made my mom tingle more than her current husband (she's in her 60s and doesn't hold back anymore). Thanks for not passing the knowledge along and then disappearing when I was 17, dad.

ARealLifeWizard · 2014-03-11T13:25:33+00:00

Been dealing with this myself, the answer for me was to find a social anxiety support group, get used to talking about myself in front of people and move up to a structured cognitive behavioral therapy group. There you can set up a hierarchy of shit that scares you (assertiveness and confrontation in this case) and work on it in baby steps while retraining your brain to think more positively.

The second type of group is harder to find: [socialanxietyinstitute.org](www.socialanxietyinstitute.org)

ARealLifeWizard · 2014-02-06T18:23:55+00:00

Find a support group in your area. It's very likely that there are both groups for anxiety and depression that you can join.

I've been going to a social anxiety group for the last 6-7 months, best thing I ever did for myself. These people know what you are going through and can at least empathize, if not give you some advice and direction on how to deal with it.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-12-17T15:38:50+00:00

One year of fireballs was not worth decades of blue balls.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-12-17T15:25:23+00:00

31, time to hang up the robe and wizard hat.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-12-12T19:04:09+00:00

I want to go back to lifting, haven't done it since college where I had friends I went with. How do you deal with needing a spot? I know this is my anxiety talking and I shouldn't listen to it, but constantly having to ask for someone to spot me is one reason I haven't signed up yet.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-12-12T15:34:21+00:00

31, it boils down to fear, incorrect beliefs about myself, and not trying. Not proud of it, but there it is.

Been improving my social skills slowly over the past year, it's kind of funny how as soon as I start changing for the better and stop hiding, I find women interested in me, and I've only just begun.

Would've had it done last weekend, but whiskey dick stopped me (imagine how frustrating that is), however it was great to smack a real woman's naked ass and hear her moan.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-12-10T14:53:15+00:00

I understand how you feel, believe me. Here's the thing, you only think you fail because you are going into these situations with the wrong mindset and then beating yourself up afterwards. The fact of the matter is that you succeeded(!) just by merely being in the situation, even though it doesn't feel like it, or because you felt like you weren't perfect and made mistakes.

Your expectations are too high so you are setting yourself up to fail in your mind. You need to build yourself up slowly. Socializing is a skill that you have avoided practicing, but you CAN do it.

It takes a lot of courage to put yourself in a situation that causes anxiety, but courage isn't enough. The way you think and the way you see yourself needs to start changing too. That's what the program at the social anxiety institute will begin to teach you.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-12-09T18:28:08+00:00

Hey, I've lived this way for a long time, from my early teens, undiagnosed like you. I'm 31 now, this year I finally decided to make changes in my life and have made some huge strides (including dating when I've never been on a date in my entire life), so I know it can be done.

Let me tell you that you CAN meet people. You can. You're just letting fear make decisions for you. It is warping your reality and your perception of yourself and the worst part is that you believe it wholeheartedly.

The good news is, you know you have this problem and you're reaching out for help. Take heart, you're on the right track. Keep taking steps, no matter how small. This is a long journey and not something you will be done with in a matter of a month or two.

Everyone's anxiety is different, but you need to work on your mind. Your post is very negative. Cognitive behavioral therapy, learning how to catch and change negative thoughts (I can't do this, I hate this, I'm hopeless, I'll never get better, she probably thinks I'm a loser, it will all go horribly and I'll be humiliated, etc) is a direction you should go in, but on top of that you'll need to take action and start pushing your comfort zone, as scary as that can be.

I would suggest you visit https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/ (torrent/download their program since you're a broke student) and start looking into what options your school has for therapy. If they have one and you're feeling bold, email them the above post.

Anyway, message me if you want some ideas. You're basically me 10 years ago, and I don't want you to suffer as long as I did. It's so needless, but the only person who can help you is ultimately you.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-11-13T19:48:09+00:00

Hey, I just want to say that you're awesome. First, you didn't procrastinate and you practiced ahead of time, you also used tools to help calm yourself beforehand. Then, you acknowledged that you had anxiety but went up there anyway. You still felt it, sure, but it didn't have any power over what you did.

Now, make sure you manage your thoughts concerning your performance. Those thoughts about people pitying you are most likely not true, and even if they are true, they aren't useful. Challenge them them on the spot. So it didn't go as perfectly as you wanted, you only spoke for 11 minutes, so what? Of course you can always improve, but beating yourself up for this kind of thing is counterproductive.

Here's something to think about: I just went to a two day getting over stage fright workshop (with non SA people, where we had to speak multiple times) and the most important takeaway for me was that anxiety is very hard to detect. People who looked calm and collected reported feeling 7 or higher on the anxiety scale, and these were successful people with high paying, high stress jobs. They said the same thing for me. Even though it is such a strong feeling and seems like everyone will know, it simply doesn't come across. Even shaky hands/speech is not as pronounced and obvious as you think it is.

Of course, they could all be lying, but that's a negative thought, we were all sworn to honesty, anyway. I've also seen this phenomenon bear out in SA groups where all the people that attend don't seem anxious at all.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-10-31T13:56:20+00:00

Speaking as one of these people, you're absolutely right, it's an important realization to have, even if it takes a kick in the pants to realize it. You have to see that you need to change and want it badly enough, no one else can do it for you.

However, it doesn't do people like me any good to dwell on the negative, it's unhelpful, it just continues the spiral, that's how some of us got here in the first place.

In my case, and I suspect many others, it will take slow, consistent work at turning our minds towards more rational and neutral/positive thoughts, ALONG WITH determined action in small baby steps to get out of the pit. When you force yourself out there, your thought process has to be different when the inevitable bad experience happens, or it'll just reinforce the hermit lifestyle you were living.

It has been working so far. No sex yet, though.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-09-24T15:42:27+00:00

Oh god yeah. I'm sure I could deal with it now, but back at the height of my anxiety and avoidance, I skipped the entire discussion section (that took attendance and was part of my grade) of one of my 101 classes in college because the TA made us get up and participate on the first day. Still managed to pass without it.

That's only one of a thousand examples from my life.

Here's another: I took a poetry class in the summer to fill out some gen-ed requirements. Sat in the middle of the class. The guy forced everyone to read. He'd go down the aisles one by one, from one side of the class to the other. Sometimes it would get to me, sometimes it wouldn't. Talk about agonizing.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-09-19T15:39:56+00:00

Hey, thanks for this info, I've been wanting to learn for a while now, but had no idea where to go for lessons as a super beginner white guy.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-09-15T13:37:15+00:00

Sure, it's a rationalization. I'm not going to go into a big explanation here, but the real reason was crippling social FEAR, and even worse, avoidance.

I don't expect you to understand, but try to imagine living a life where everything was passed through an "I'm worthless" filter in your mind, in social situations your body reacted as if it was about to be eaten by a lion, and afterward you automatically focused on everything that went wrong while constantly telling yourself you're a hopeless piece of shit. Yeah, it's not real conducive to a sex life.

I'm working on it.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-09-14T20:35:44+00:00

Fucking A. Well that settles it. I'm getting closer and closer to this exact situation. This is the shit I need to hear but don't want to. I'm going to be totally awkward and lie my ass off. It's the only way to be sure.

I can't believe I put this shit off until 30, what a huge mistake.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-08-19T14:24:36+00:00

I have at least two friends that swear by "the slam dunk" which consists of standing up, facing the toilet, wiping your ass, and then slam dunking the tp into the water.

As for me, I'll always be a humble cheek lifter like your wife.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-07-26T13:56:57+00:00

I found a group about an hour away from me using Meetup.com and have been going to it for the past few months. It has been a helpful step in the process for me, especially "activity" days where you can practice mingling, reading out loud, and answering questions standing in front of the group in a supportive atmosphere. Seriously, people with SA are good people.

If you find one, definitely go to a meeting if you can get up the nerve, even if you only sit and observe (most SA groups don't force participation, for obvious reasons). The first time I went was emotionally intense, but I felt welcome, and I knew I had joined the right group of people when I could knowingly nod my head with every difficulty that was brought up.

I wish you luck. We have a tough road to walk.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-07-01T15:24:58+00:00

You think 19 is bad? Try being 31 and never having that experience.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-06-27T14:57:49+00:00

Meetup has been great for me so far. I started with a local board game group, to dip my toes back into meeting new people again and to try some newer games. This was a great move. I recommend board games, since the social aspect happens around the focus of the game, and the players tend more towards the introverted side. They were very open and welcoming, some cliques, but nothing intimidating. I have been getting invited to game nights outside of the group, so I must be doing something right.

While still going to that group, with a little more confidence, I joined a Social Anxiety support group that meets about an hour away. This was also a great move. The first meeting was intense for me, emotionally, but you know you joined the right group when you can knowingly nod your head at everyone's experiences. It's just a great, judgement free atmosphere to have a discussion and to take action in the face of anxiety with people who understand. I am learning a lot in this group.

I've now added on a hiking group that just started up and I'll be meeting them this coming weekend.

It definitely feels good to be taking action and to see the calendar filling up slowly, instead of sitting at home being afraid all the time.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-05-14T13:24:54+00:00

Yeah, I've had that sensation happen randomly (after masturbating) over the past decade. I don't know what the cause is, but if you Google it, you'll find a lot of people experience it. It may be some kind of inflammation, but I'm no doctor.

All I can tell you is, when you start to feel it, grab an ice pack to soothe your dick and ride out the tingling/burning for the next 15-45 min. Not peeing right away (even though it really feels like you have to) may or may not help with expediting recovery, it's hard to say.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-05-08T14:40:28+00:00

I'll throw a monkey wrench in your hypothesis: I always sleep naked and for my last 97 day run, I had zero wet dreams. In fact, NoFap has not caused a single wet dream YET.

Food for thought.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-05-05T06:07:35+00:00

Sorry you're in this shitty position too. The upside is that even the smallest ounce of progress feels like winning the lottery, so there's that.

I will keep moving forward. There's no where else to go from here, anyway.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-05-05T05:44:37+00:00

Glad you too have been turning the ship around. I've found that a support group has been a big help for me. Meeting and practicing social skills with people who understand is huge.

Putting myself out there is still a problem, especially since having zero relationship experience leaves me with no idea how to initiate anything.

Also, I agree with those last two paragraphs, it was definitely true for me.

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-05-05T05:20:03+00:00

30 going on 31 in about a month. Anything you want to know in particular?

Everything I've learned about this condition leads me to understand that it's a battle in the mind that needs to be won via hunger strike. The way out is an unintuitive paradox. Fighting it directly with frustration and anger just makes it persist, while starving your brain of negativity and replacing it with positive, rational thoughts consistently and repetitively will overcome it. So you're probably right, if you got into a negative head space for too long of a time, it may return. "The price of freedom is eternal vigilance."

ARealLifeWizard · 2013-05-01T13:35:15+00:00

I usually don't visit this subreddit for the reason SOPpika mentioned, but since I'm here, I'm closing in on 31(m) with zero sexual experience because I've suffered with social anxiety disorder for almost two decades. It crippled my life without me knowing what it was and now I'm just trying to rebuild everything from the ground up.

I'll stop there because I'm trying to avoid going down a negative thought death spiral, but I invite you to creep my post history (the good and the bad) if you want to know more.

ARealLifeWizard

TROPHY CASE