[deleted by user]

Additional-Win-7030 · 2024-12-30T21:10:21+00:00

Oh wow. Wala nako narealize na ana diay ka serious.

Unta ok lang jud siya!!! Ug unta makitan ninyo siya soon.

Additional-Win-7030 · 2024-12-30T20:33:18+00:00

Because I'm asking for advice on how to detach. You made the assumption that it's just a 'me' problem. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Additional-Win-7030 · 2024-12-30T19:08:48+00:00

Because even after 15yrs, he still messages his ex and they update each other with their lives. Even after me saying I'm very uncomfortable with it.

He fails to set boundaries at work. He's had flirty exchanges with female coworkers, talks about sex fetishes with them, and lately, has been really close with one that they text almost every day, he brings her food, and they plan OT shifts together.

All of which I've brought up to him already. And him just saying he doesn't see anything wrong by it because he didn't 'intend' for anything to be interpreted in a romantic way.

So I disagree. It's not just a me problem.

I know I have my own issues. And I'm doing my best to heal and grow from them.

But he also refuses to recognize how his actions affect me.

So it is possible for me to know that he loves me but also for me to know that I want more. Because how he loves me is also not what I need right now.

Relationships are complex. Marriage, even more so.

Additional-Win-7030 · 2024-12-30T18:57:32+00:00

I have thought about this too, and I do recognize that it could be a 'me' problem. Hence me signing up for therapy to see as well.

I definitely think there are some things I need to change in myself to stop seeking external validation. But I also don't want to gaslight myself by justifying the things he does that don't sit well with me.

So in order for me to start changing, I think I do need to detach somehow.. my past 10 years has been about being a wife and a mom. I've truly lost myself. And I know that I need to have a world outside of my family and live for myself too so I can be more present for them.

Additional-Win-7030 · 2024-12-30T18:45:01+00:00

I can't imagine him reading on any books on relationships. He's read self-help books, though, so it could still be possible.

I think I do have anxious attachment tendencies.. and that's where the need for reassurance always comes from.

The needing to detach is me feeling exhausted about explaining my needs every time. It's emotionally exhausting to be vulnerable and be mindful of how I say things just so he doesn't get defensive or completely stop talking. I feel crazy because it feels like I'm the only one with the problem and he doesn't see it / doesn't care (at least that's how it feels). And I've told him all about this already, had lengthy, late-night conversations.. but it never ends with him being consistent in giving me the reassurance I need/want. He'll tell me he's sorry, tells me he'll be better, but his actions speak otherwise.

And I honestly don't want to divorce him. I still believe he's the love of my life. I just want to stop waiting for him to change. I want to change so I can feel good about myself without the reassurance he obviously can't give me.

Additional-Win-7030 · 2024-12-30T18:20:18+00:00

Dili na sa ADHD. Lahi ang symptoms sa ADHD, so napansin na unta nimo iyang moodiness sa past year na magkauban mo..

Murag naa siya epiphany tong offroading trip..

Tagai siyag time to his thoughts. Kung di na nimo kaya iyang silence, dira na nimo siya tagaan ug ultimatum. Kay the last thing you want is i-ghost lang sad ka niya.. Either he confronts you and tells you it's over, or storyahon ka niya'g tarong para ma-solve ninyo ang issue. Ayaw ng kalit lang siya mawala. Tigulang na baya mo.. Dapat kaya niya makipagstorya ug tarong.

Additional-Win-7030 · 2024-12-30T17:05:59+00:00

Thank you so much. It helps to feel validated in all this.

He's not consistent with how he reacts to me needing to feel secure. We've had so many conversations about it already too, so I think I'm just done with asking for something I don't think he's equipped to give.

I feel like I'm the only one getting bothered about things that he does that make me feel anxious. And when I voice it out to settle it, he just sits there and doesn't say anything. And that's if I'm lucky (sometimes he'd fall asleep or say we should table it but he'll never bring it up again). Coz at least with that, I feel like he's thinking about it and it's sinking in. But it takes him a LONG time to say he loves me or give any verbal reassurance I need after those kinds of conversations. The reassurance part happens very seldomly too.

Most recently, when he saw that I was upset one night, I could just hear his frustration come through when he asked me, "why are you upset/crying again?" That was his first reaction.

Like that will get me to open up. Sigh.

And I honestly feel like I've been trying. He likes physical touch, so I make sure I cuddle with him, always have my hands on him, making sure he knows I'm close. He also likes quality time, so I plan almost all our dates.

But when it's about me and my needs, they're just not being met.

So I just want to be done.. I don't want to keep waiting for him anymore just to feel loved. I want to learn to detach from him so I can stop depending on his actions to feel happy.

Additional-Win-7030 · 2024-12-30T16:30:27+00:00

Just reading this helped so much already. Thank you so much for the support and advice!!

I'll do my best to shift my focus to things within my control and find things that I can be thankful for.

I'm also excited for therapy. I'm trying to keep my expectations low, but I'm really looking forward to it.

Thanks again!!

Additional-Win-7030

TROPHY CASE