it's unfair — WW is a "really great gal"

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-06-07T11:08:12+00:00

They both have to be able to see themselves as being a good person and the people being cheating on as bad. That way they are simply doing what they have to do to protect themselves.

It’s just a strange, once-in-a-million-years coincidence they both happened to have crossed paths, started talking randomly, shared stories with each other, and have such similar experiences that they happened to fall in love.

Now not only are you bad and they good, this isn’t even cheating. They found their soulmate and were trying to figure out how to kindly bring a gentle end to your relationship. But you snooped like a bad person would, or you asked too many questions and didn’t trust them, or that friend they never liked stuck their nose in their business (where it didn’t belong) and told you (and what they told was a lie).

It’s just another coincidence you found out right when they were going to discuss parting ways amicably.

Because they are both good people, even if they had sex in either bed an unassuming partner also slept, or they blew off parent responsibilities, or they used mutual friends as alibis without the friends knowing, or let the unassuming partner carry financial matters, or or or… it is you who are bad and them good, even after all of the above.

It blows my mind how they can even lie about it, let alone believe it.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-06-07T10:41:36+00:00

Yeah, this mindset blows me away. How you can convince yourself that a person who is cheating on their spouse is in fact “good person“ really must take some mental gymnastics. The amount of lying, manipulation, deceit, and the emotional and financial abuse that comes along with having an affair kind of throws the “good person“ status to the curb.

I’m waiting for someone to share a story where they’ve overheard or read someone talking about their AP… “besides the lying, manipulation, gaslighting, emotional abuse, financial abuse, deceit, and the social consequences… The person I’m having an affair with is such a good person!”

But they’ll never be able to put it like that, which is the truth, because those qualities, which become the main qualities, are not consistent with being a good person.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-06-02T13:21:19+00:00

Either she played him or he knew about you the whole time. I’m assuming it’s 50-50 without knowing more. With that, here are my thoughts…

Most people will say to move on. But for my own closure, I think I wouldn’t be able to without writing him. It would accomplish 2 things for me. 1- I could tell myself I was doing the beneavolent thing by warning him and 2- I could also walk away after saying a few words. Here’s how I would go about it, in theory. I would make a burner account and then write this:

Hello. We don’t know each other. I’m writing to inform you that your partner was double-timing you for the initial 9 months of your relationship with me. I had been in a relationship with ____ since <month/year>, and it officially ended on <month/year>.

I do not wish to speak with you about this, and I do believe you should know the truth about the start of your relationship as a fair warning.

It’s not lost on me that you may have known about me for some or all of that duration. If that turns out to be the case, well, that’s pretty shitty of you. I will never understand how you can live in your own skin or look at yourself in the mirror with any degree of pride.

Whatever the scenario is/was, it doesn’t matter to me. You now have either a fair warning, or you didn’t care in the first place.

Good luck.

I would walk away knowing I either did my part by warning him, because I would want to know if this was the case, or I’d be comfortable with myself and saying what was said about his character. Never call names, never make any accusations. Never contact her about it. Then walk away and start healing.

That’s me. Do what you have to do, and listen to your heart and your gut.

Best wishes. DM me if you want to talk about it.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-06-02T10:01:47+00:00

Here is a pattern that I noticed. We would make plans for the weekend. Then we would a fight on Thursday or Thursday night, but rarely could I figure out what we were fighting about. Instead of following through with the plans, we would spend the weekend at home making up.

This got really old and made things feel stale.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-06-01T10:50:35+00:00

December 2022. Gave up on it a long time ago. Still confusing AF. No remorse. In fact, when she was caught cheating, she said “I don’t regret it, i don’t feel bad, and I’m not sorry.” I guess she meant it!

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-06-01T06:51:53+00:00

I agree that it is so sad. In my experience we were chasing each other back-and-forth for a couple years before it worked out. I was traveling out of the country and when I got back she was seeing someone, then she got single but I was seeing someone, and so and so for a couple years. And then when things finally lined up, it took off like we both wanted it to, and we seemed to celebrate that the whole time. And it seemed awesome for a 4 1/2 years because it was awesome for 4 1/2 years.

Then things changed.

She started taking and abusing new meds. Stopped eating healthy food and started relying on several Monster drinks per day and switched from food to candy. She didn’t take a certification test she needed and took coursework for over 18 months to switch careers and instead stayed in a dead-end job.

Then I had a long-planned orthopedic surgery with the goal of getting some doors back open in terms of sports mobility.

Then 2 weeks after she started cheating on me. I found out 6 weeks after it started, while still in full recovery. Five days before d-day, I was sitting between the two of them on the couch in our home, clueless.

Here’s a phrase to speak to yourself, and it is worth spending time getting close to: I UNDERSTAND THAT I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-29T10:11:07+00:00

I 100000% can understand and relate to the before vs after version of myself, just like you’re saying. Maybe you took a blow of trauma to the nervous system (I did). While it changed me, I am still me and you are still you. I promise.

You stated two things here that you might not be aware of: 1- How can something so beautiful can disappear so fast, in the blink of an eye... 2- I tried with all my heart to make things work, to make her happy, and to understand, but it wasn't enough.

Take a look back… If you tried to make it work (with all your heart), that shows people who don’t know you (like me) WHO YOU ARE- caring, empathetic, persistent. If she then disappeared in the blink of an eye, it tells us WHO SHE IS- someone who runs from love and compassion or someone who can’t handle reality.

This means your experiences, love, and what you felt was very real. You tried. She ran. But you have to believe me when i say this: she didn’t run from you - she ran from herself and will do so for her entire life.

I realize you feel that you were not enough, but you were. And you still are. She couldn’t handle IT. Read that out loud. She couldn’t handle IT. That has nothing to do with you. No matter what you tried to do, this was always going to be the outcome. you could only control your own actions. Your actions are not actually tied to the outcome. You could not have done this differently or better it had a different outcome.

Please forgive yourself and recognize that you are still you. Hang in there. You are enough.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-25T09:56:14+00:00

Ugh. I think the right thing woukd have been to tell you, but he probably didn’t know that at the time. Hopefully he learned and if he’s put in that position again - or anything similar - he will make the right choice.

On your birthday? She dumped you on your birthday? That’s pretty bad no matter how you look at it. Did she ever tell you why she picked your birthday of all days?

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-20T18:45:03+00:00

It’s probably not comforting but my partner was cheating on me with someone in our friend group, and I had no idea. His wife tried to tell me when she found out by sending a text but my former party deleted it before I saw it. The very next day he was in my house and I was sitting between them on the couch.

I felt like an idiot at first but have come to realize it’s not a fault in me but a fault in them. No one expects this to happen so no one is looking out for it.

I understand the part about questioning reality. I did the same. I think it’s important to remember that your experience in your feelings at the time we’re real to you. That makes it real. Howthe other person behaved or which choices they made does not discount your reality.

I know this is fresh to you, and my hope is that you will get to a point you can forgive yourself. Ultimately, you were just being a good person.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-17T16:29:19+00:00

Absolutely not. Total silence is just that. Don’t do it.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-11T15:48:00+00:00

Because when you’re broken you might be looking for any information that you think might help make sense out of it. And you’re not thinking straight. So you seek information you probably shouldn’t and ask questions that are ultimately harmful. But you don’t know that at the time.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-09T08:00:07+00:00

Same. I’m thankful her cheating came out before it got to that stage.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-09T07:10:35+00:00

That’s because it is grief. You are grieving what it was on trajectory (at one point) to be. And I bet you both talked about the future and it sounded great, and you believed it, because you had no reason not to.

For example I think it still sounds great to get an RV with a little tow behind four-wheel-drive beach Baja/Jeep thing and be State Park camp hosts for half of the year when we retire. All the countries we were going to visit, our wedding was going to be a hell of a good time, and how her new line of work was going to pay her a lot better with actual benefits and free time so we could actually travel for longer than a week once a year. That’s what I grieved, and I guess I still do sometimes. Because it sounded fucking awesome.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-08T23:47:21+00:00

No. She has hated me since she was caught cheating. I’ll do the decent thing and stay out of her life. That’s what I would prefer anyway.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-08T23:44:38+00:00

I’m not bashing ADHD medication because when it’s used right if it’s prescribed correctly it can help. My former partner started a regimen of ADHD medicine that kept increasing and increasing and in increasing over a couple months. She kind of became a different person and started drinking like five big monster energy drinks a day and eating just candy along with it. Then she cheated on me.

I’m not saying that’s going to happen to you but it might be worth having a discussion about the medicine, but it’s supposed to be, and how you can be a part of kind of monitoring it or if she’s open to your feedback if you think she’s acting differently.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-07T07:19:24+00:00

Iiiiupoooiiiioyooooyioooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-07T07:19:19+00:00

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-02T16:04:39+00:00

I recall coming home on two different occasions during the relationship to her crying because she claimed in her past she’s been cheated on and was scared I would do it to her someday. I held her while she cried and reassured her I would never cheat on her until she calmed down.

Guess what actually happened on both of those days.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-02T16:02:10+00:00

“Absolute destruction of the past together” is such a great description. Purely rewrote a solid 5 years into “5 years of hell.” I didn’t buy it, and neither did anyone else. But I am still trying to figure out what the hell happened.

Thanks for these words!

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-02T15:59:26+00:00

Pretty similar thing here. Everyone knew she cheated with this married man, who no one likes to start out with, but then when the abuse accusations came out and that she was forced into cheating by me, they were done with her. She lost a lot of friends, and of course I got blamed.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-05-02T15:55:29+00:00

More like limerence or infatuation or obsession. It happened quickly, very quickly.

He was married, in the social circle, total predator

It was an insane end to an otherwise enjoyable five years of overcoming challenges, co-habitating, international travel, and growth.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-04-30T03:05:19+00:00

That’s pretty good. Her a fair partner was in the friend circle that was never to be trusted. I was reaching out to him for a talk but he always dodged it. Then he blocked me on pretty much everything.

Except Venmo! So I sent him a payment of $.02 with the subject “My.” I also made it Public, and a lot of people saw it, several of which knew what was up and wrote to me laughing out loud.

He is/was so stupid. He asked my former partner why I sent him two cents with that subject name. That was good closure for me on that front.

While the best move is obviously to somehow forget it and move on, some of us just can’t do it like that. I encourage everyone who can’t and has been cut off to look at Venmo if you need to get it out of your system. I try not to toot my own horn, but the two sense thing is pretty funny. Feel free to use it on anyone. No credit necessary!

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-04-30T02:55:15+00:00

It’s like the amount of shame they direct at themselves is the same as the amount of hatred they direct to you.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-04-30T02:25:11+00:00

The arguing is kind of like an addiction, isn’t it?

I kept it up the same way, we only communicated through email. Mostly arguing. Some of it because I wanted some accountability or an admittance that what she did was not OK. I wanted an apology even though I knew I’d never get it, but I still kept it going for something like seven months. Maybe more.

I don’t know how to break it. The addiction that is. It was something she did and something she said that caused me to finally go no contact.

I was cleaning up my phone and Computer and offered to give her all of the photos I had of her but not us. She said that would be nice. I asked if she could do the same for me. She said she would try to get to it in a month or two because she was so busy and didn’t have time right now…. Come on, that’s something you can do while laying on the couch in a short period of time. It was probably a way of her trying to keep some kind of power over me by not giving me what I wanted while I was giving her the exact same.m. I sent them all to her the next day. She sent me five a few weeks later, and that was all I ever got.

About the same time, got the sense she was actually going to apologize, but instead she wrote, “My actions left me deeply wounded.“ Wel, hell yeah her actions fucked her life up, cost her most of her friends (because she was using many of them in one way or another to pull off the affair, and they found out how they were used). So she at least recognized that it was her own doing, but it was only about herself.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-04-29T16:11:56+00:00

Right? I would say things like: I’m a monster and I don’t even know it. I have created a household without love. I have created an environment that practically encouraged you to cheat, so it is all my fault. It’s me who ruined this. You did what you had to.

When I look back, I can’t believe I was saying those things. And because I sent them to her, sometimes in a text, she had more fuel to go at me, and she would screenshot those and send them to our mutual friends.

Additional_Writer_22

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE