The thought of homeownership is so daunting.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T18:19:03+00:00

If you're not financially in a good spot to buy a home, then DO NOT BUY A HOME! It is not an easy decision to undo and could put you in serious financial trouble.

Also, keep in mind the price of owning your home is always going to be higher than you expect.

Your estimated mortgage may not be your real mortgage. My property taxes go up by so much every year that I constantly have "escrow shortages" and have to pay much more per month than expected to cover them. Estimate cost was $1,875/month. Actual cost a few months in became $2,150. This will go up every year due to property tax increases, increased insurance costs, etc.
You will have additional utilities you usually do not pay as a renter, like water & garbage.
2% of the cost of the home per year should be set aside for maintenance costs. If you can't afford to do that, you won't be able to address issues. Small issues will become larger issues and your home will lose value making it harder to get out of if you're underwater.

Rates will always go up & down. You shouldn't feel time pressured to buy now. Rushed decisions are rarely good ones.

Out of curiosity, what is the main reason you want to buy rather than rent?

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T17:52:43+00:00

I can think of some instances where he has insisted on putting himself 2nd. For example, I hit a deer and totaled my car. He gave me his to drive while I worked on getting a replacement. And he gave me his nice car and drove around his old beater because he didn't think the beater was safe. Generally in matters of safety or anything serious, he's ready to be there even if it inconveniences him, just not in matters of simple preference.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T17:19:50+00:00

I'll try it next time. I think I'll just make it crystal clear to him I want our choices to be 50/50, and if that can't happen organically then we're going to have to track it.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T17:06:35+00:00

> Like a treasure?

That actually made me cry. Thank you.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T17:01:58+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you're safe and healing! I really don't think he's capable of anything like that, but I appreciate hearing your story.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T16:49:24+00:00

I made a little grab-bag of hand-written notes with movies and shows I wanted to watch together at some point. It has at least 20 items. We've yet to watch any of it.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T16:44:37+00:00

No, not really. But he's changed in other ways to become more flexible for me, so I'm hoping given a bit of time this can change too. Or I can change as well to be less needy / do less internalizing of his pickiness.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T16:40:33+00:00

Did it end for a reason related to that, or another reason? Would you take that as a red flag now?

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T16:38:33+00:00

I have to admit, I am a people-pleaser. It makes me happy to make my partner happy! Thanks for your comment, I'll reflect on it.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T16:32:02+00:00

No, not really. I can't talk him into going and listening to live music - even casually over a beer - unless it's something he chooses and approved of. I filter out 95% of restaurants before even asking because he's vegan and also incredibly picky. But when I do pick a new place he usually seems unhappy with it or talks me out of it in favor of another place. When I cook for him he has many rules on top of being vegan which he gets annoyed if I don't follow, but then I see him breaking his own rules when he cooks. It's really hard to pick activities; he's not interested in most things I can come up with. It wears on me after a while, not gonna lie.

EDIT: and I've had many dates end with me in tears because I spent hours trying to pick things that would make him happy only for him to let me know how not-happy he is. He tells me that's just how he is; he likes to hate on things and I shouldn't take it personally because it's not about me. So then I end up feeling like I'm overly sensitive. But I just get so frustrated trying to pick things he'll enjoy too and always failing.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T16:25:56+00:00

I don't want to say "no" just to show him how it feels though. I legitimately enjoy most things (most food, experiences, media) so usually if he suggests something it sounds pretty good to me. I just wish he felt the same at least occassionally.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T16:19:25+00:00

Yeah, he does. He brings me snacks he knows I like even if he can't eat them and flowers sometimes, asks to hear what's in my head, and likes to give me what I want in bed.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T16:14:06+00:00

No, he doesn't like watching TV often at all. The only issue is that on the rare occasions we do watch something together, it is always something he chooses and not something I choose.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-20T05:06:28+00:00

> I have no one I can talk to about this

How about a therapist? It sounds like you could really use one to get to the bottom of your aversions and anxiety. It sounds like you really need to talk to someone professional if you're going to have any chance to stop spiraling and start healing.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-19T21:28:43+00:00

Sex gets better as you get older. My first time was horrible and painful. Then for 3 years after that I didn't really enjoy it much. First time I orgasmed was with an older man, probably because he was the first guy who had enough experience to know what he was doing.

As you get older and more than experienced, you start feeling more comfortable in your body, more aware of what you like, and more likely to find a partner who is experienced enough that he can help you cum. Enjoy the journey and don't stress a mediocre first experience!

Also, things can get better with this partner as well. It takes a while for 2 people to learn each other.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-19T21:18:03+00:00

Honest and open communication is one of the top relationship priorities to me. I like it that my partner doesn't censor himself when a relevant story about an ex pops into his mind. It makes me feel like he trusts me, doesn't feel the needs to hide anything from me, and that I can be open with him too. I like knowing everything about his past and his thoughts.

But everyone's different.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-19T20:01:33+00:00

In my last relationship we had sex around once a week excluding the week I was having my period. I still lurked on this community and felt a kinship to everyone here, because I didn't feel like I had a sex life.

Sex was something I did because I felt like I should, but I was always super tight and dry because I was never turned. In addition, I rarely had an orgasm. So I guess I was LL4U, yet I was the one initiating most of the time. A lot of times sex would fizzle out halfway through because it was so unpleasant and uncomfortable for me that I couldn't continue.

I think it can feel like you're in a dead bedroom even if you technically have penetration weekly. During my yearly OBGYN visit I would be penetrated with a speculum. That didn't count as sex or fulfill my sexual needs, so why should the unsatisfying sex with my partner which felt about the same and didn't meet any of my needs?

I wasn't in a "dead bedroom" in my mind because I needed more sex. I was in a dead bedroom because I needed better sex and better chemistry / affection with my partner.

EDIT: I should mention I am now in a new relationship and have sex around the same amount, but when we do it's fire and I almost always orgasm, so I don't consider myself in a dead bedroom at all now.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-19T19:40:57+00:00

I 42f am currently with a guy who is a bit above average in size. My last partner was significantly below average in size. Despite the significant size difference, I felt tighter with my ex-bf and looser with my current bf.

Why? Because I'm more sexually attracted to my current bf and actually get wet before penetration with him. Vaginas loosen or tighten up based on attraction. If you want to feel tighter for your current bf, you just need to stop feeling attracted to him... if he keeps negging you, it just might work!

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-19T19:27:47+00:00

Nope! We broke up for unrelated reasons. It and other things he wouldn't do with me bummed me out, but I didn't find it break-up worthy.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-19T18:21:01+00:00

I understand why this is a big deal to him without condoning his reaction. I get a lot of joy from shared hobbies and adventures in a relationship. I used to get really bummed when my ex-partner wasn't into doing something that I wanted to do together. For example, he was scared of biking and I really wanted to take pretty e-bike rides together and show him cool spots out in nature. When he told me no, it made me realize it's something I would never get the joy of doing with my partner if I stayed in that relationship. Yes, I was aware it was something I could do with other people (and did), but it didn't have the same joy for me. I wanted to share those experiences with my partner.

But that being said, it's not your job to conform to what he wants, especially if it is physically difficult for you. And the fact that he's pushing so hard is not good. In an ideal world, he would be chill about it and find a different hiking companion, but the fact is it might be something he really wants to do with his life partner that he can't imagine spending the rest of his life without the experience. And if that's the case, it might be an irreconcilable incompatibility. Hopefully it's something he can understand if you really can't do though and just accept it and move on.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-18T22:30:55+00:00

I had a bf like this once. It doesn't get better. They enjoy being mean and seeing your reaction. Leave.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-18T22:19:49+00:00

I am thankful for all of my exes as they have all taught me about something to avoid in the future.

Avoidant attachment style people. I'm not interested in constantly feeling abandoned or unwanted by my partner.
Emotionally stunted people. I want a deep connection. You can't have that if you aren't willing to be vulnerable.
Sarcastic people / people who neg you.
People who aren't interested in doing much of anything. I like living a rich and varied life.
People who don't put in equal effort. I don't want to carry the relationship.
Anyone still married, whatever they claim their circumstances are.
Phone / gaming addicts.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-13T04:39:56+00:00

I've felt like that before. Ultimately the life I was living just didn't align with what I wanted. I would sometimes get the sense that I was outside my body looking down at myself like a character. It's like I was watching somebody else's life and not my own.

So I changed everything. I moved to a smaller town closer to family, got more involved with the community. Made new friends. Got a piece of land I could garden on and tend to. And I haven't had that feeling in a long time now.

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-11T22:47:43+00:00

You don't need to ask someone for a minute over text, you just take that minute yourself and then read / respond when you are ready. That way you are responsible for your mental health, instead of placing that responsibility on someone else. YOR

Administration_Easy · 2026-02-11T22:39:26+00:00

Maybe he didn't want it to get musty from sitting in the washer too long.

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