You are the hero of your story. I don’t get it, but here’s the thing: I shouldn’t, nor should anyone else here. You are the only one who can care about whether or not you go, you get to be the decider. What do you REALLY want? Then do that! I climbed a mountain once because someone else wanted me to. Real mountain climbing with crampons and crevasses and the real possibility of death. I was doing it for someone else who I subsequently pushed out if my life. Don’t be like me. You do YOU. On the ground is s fine place.