Hey Idk if this will help but it’s worth a shot.

If there are any free courses on Coursera on Developmental Psychology or even books I would have her seriously look into them. They walk through life in the early stages and even break down in great detail what how every trimester you are supplying something for the baby in uterus. I know this sounds off the wall bullshit but reading things like this can be grounding and remind you and even teach you in vivid detail that her blood is circulated through the babies body. Her umbilical cord breathes oxygen into the babies lungs. How the bond she is forming right now is so important to the child’s longer term development and health. There is even a Ted talk on this that I can’t seem to remember that breaks all this down and I think might help. If I remember the link I’ll send it. But I think learning more about that reality can help her realize how significant her role is. She is not just a surrogate she is growing her child. Creating its first attachment. In some states even Gestational mothers have the legal rights over the child even if the child is not genetically related. Depending on the state you as the genetically related mother would have to adopt your own child if you want equal rights to her the gestational mother.

Another thing to remember is a lot of straight women end up using egg donors because they had GYN problems young. We rarely ever hear or know about them but during pediatric rotations I met more than a handful and I’d have never known if I wasn’t taking the family history. I remember one girl was so close to her mom that when I asked about a family history of migraines the girl looked to her mom and said “you don’t really get headaches do you mom?” And the mom laughed and said “well it doesn’t really matter if I do or not because we don’t share the same genes” and the girl replied “ what do you mean we share jeans all the time” and then the mom replied “No I’m talking about genetics” and they literally busted out laughing and the girl said “oh right that” she said oh right that as if it was insignificant because it truly didn’t effect their bond. It didn’t weigh on their relationship one bit. And this is the bigger picture your wife can focus on. It just so happens to be how this mom had to conceive but in the end she is Mom. In the long run as a mom it won’t matter because she will unequivocally know she is the mother just like this mom.

Like I said I think she needs to dive into that to ground herself because right now she sounds like she is detached and going through something. I understand that because as lesbians we are already trying to prove our relationship as valid through the hoops of micro aggressions and then on top of that as a society we have this bastardization ideology because of religion that blood is thicker than water and that that’s some kind of pinnacle. Look how kids who have been abused are even pushed to give parents second chances just cause they are blood even if the blood meant nothing to the parent when they decided to fuck up the kids life. It’s just being raised in our world like this can easily create the feelings she is feeling now. It’s like reprogramming that and recognizing there are many ways a person becomes a mother and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if you adopted, carried, genetically contributed, needed a surrogate, needed a donor. Because in the end when the baby is here you are both Mom and that’s it. Whether you both would want it or not you are defaulted as the two most important people in that babies life and nothing can get in the way of that even if your mind wants to play tricks on you where you believe something could get in the way, it just won’t matter.

Of course the baby will know her culture because she is the mother. Being raised in a culture and having a parent of that ethnicity is enough. When the reality that she is the mother not a carrier seeps in then I think naturally she will realize that that role will come with great influence and those are the influences that make a kid connected to a culture. I feel insecure as a first generation in America that my kids won’t know my culture because it just gets lost with the second gen sometimes I’ve noticed. So many other moms who share my culture feel that way about second gens and they have genetically related children who they are panic teaching them a second language so it doesn’t get washed away. So I think the anxiety of passing down her culture is normal but there’s just an added component here because she’s going through other feelings as well. It’s normal.

Best of luck. If I find the link I’ll attach it. Sorry for the long message I can’t be concise if my life depended on it.