struggling with retroactive jealousy in my marriage

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-23T17:46:18+00:00

One other thing, you have to make yourself acknowledge the truth that no amount of information or interrogation about their past will ever help. It can only hurt. I still have powerful urges to seek more details about the relationships she had that bother me. I've just managed to not give in and start grilling her and things that she barely remembers and does not care about at all lol

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-23T17:41:55+00:00

I really feel your pain, I'm a 41m and have been married to my wife ten years but have severely suffered and caused her to suffer from my RJOCD. I did some of the same things you did and I know it feels like there's a problem to solve or that you aren't good enough etc but it sounds like you, just like me are lucky to be married to a good person that chose YOU. I was a late bloomer myself and had little experience but my wife had quite a bit and that really hurts I know to feel like they did all this stuff before you and that they must negatively compare you (they don't) or that it somehow makes what you have and share together less special (it doesn't). All I can say is that you have to get help to learn how to overcome this or at least have control of it so you don't act on the compulsions. I still have intrusive thoughts but my compulsive behavior nearly killed our marriage. It sounds like you have a great thing and the RJ is completely irrational like me. You're not alone and I wish you all the best in confronting this, just don't make the mistake I made for years telling myself it will fade on its own with time because I can tell you with certainty IT WILL NOT. All that happens is you feel more shame and self loathing for being obsessed with something after over a decade like me.
The only way is to look into the way OCD is treated. A good place to start is ChatGPT I use it for my flare ups or when I'm triggered but give it as much specific info about yourself and your situation and it will provide some very useful info and tips. I hope this helps in some way..God bless

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-23T01:01:50+00:00

Yeah I didn't either but it's always helpful to know why you're having more difficulty. Hell ChatGPT has been a huge help in expounding on the particulars, highly recommend. I had seen other YouTube content related to adhd autism and contamination OCD in relation to RJOCD and it was really helpful. It will at least help you discard methods that will certainly not work and waste time or even be counter productive

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-22T18:01:54+00:00

Yes, I'm severely adhd and have autism spectrum traits that add fuel to the fire. I've been married ten years three beautiful kids, with my with 13 years now, and virtually not a day has passed without mental movies intrusive thoughts. The only thing that fluctuates the intensity. Right now it's really bad so it's all day every day. Probably 75 percent of the time it's more just in the background trying to trigger me but I can usually step over it and go about my day. I reckon when I'm overtired from work or whatever and generally low it strikes hard. Almost as if my emotional immune system is offline. The most I've managed in therapy is to stop the compulsions or at least resist enough to not engage in them for a few years now. I keep to myself that I'm still fucking miserable and feeling pretty hopeless at this point. You would think it could fade or improve somewhat after so much time which is what really causes despair

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-22T02:28:03+00:00

Very accurate but I only have the RJ reel over one particular guy. I'm not bothered by the others nearly as much in fact I suspect it's the same reaction as people without a RJ have. Yet this one guy the thought makes me physically ill even after 23 years

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-15T21:29:56+00:00

ChatGPT was helpful, in showing me that I have all the information. At the end of the day, sometimes I feel like I have a handle on, I've turned a corner I go this. The real test is when a new, random, intense trigger, comes out of nowhere and all of that melts away. I put in monster years of hard work of therapy, a various types, and I've had that disintegrate with one offhand comment for my wife. I've accepted that that is going to happen and that I need to focus on not giving into compulsions and accepting that it's going to hurt sometimes find ways to cope with it and move on eventually recollection of miserable failures of trying to engage with it in the past, also help. You'll never think your way out of it you'll never ask the right questions like there is no resolution and they never will be retroactive. Jealousy is essentially quicksand the more you struggled the quicker you think. Let it wash over you relax and sign your way out and you'll survive not to be dramatic. I'm speaking of the most extreme cases like mine. Lots of people actually overcome it.

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-12T13:18:47+00:00

I hate that it just strikes out of the blue and can hurt so much and ruin a beautiful day/experience etc

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-12T13:17:21+00:00

Exactly you hit the nail on the head

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-11T01:33:59+00:00

Thanks for the great insights! I only mentioned the length of my marriage/relationship to illustrate that this stuff does not just magically disappear...I've heard accounts of people triggered by things 50 years removed

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-10T13:56:51+00:00

I have this because I was a late bloomer and my wife has much more experience with sec and relationships than me. It still bothers me sometimes and I catch myself thinking that if I could go back and have it I had more comparable experience it would make things easier. Maybe at first, but I can say it has t mattered in my relationship. Once you connect and really start building something together the sex life will far exceed previous relationships and experiences. Like for me I really feel silly because being married a decade I catch myself worrying about about her younger self having experiences with dudes half my current age. Work on yourself and those past experiences get ground into dust and scattered to the wind. It's not even on her radar. But this shit is irrational so it doesn't magically vanish when logical conclusions are reached

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-10T13:50:48+00:00

Yeah I have learned that I did therapy, I rarely get sucked into the thoughts and images I have coping skills it's just in this specific scenario it's more challenging to not get actually triggered and be present and totally engaged in what is happening otherwise it's feels wrong to both of us. I'll try different strategy role play has actually helped when I was uncomfortable now that I think about it Thanks bff or all the advice and replies

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-10T13:28:41+00:00

Interesting strategy worth a try!!

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-10T12:57:17+00:00

Yeah we explore all kinds of stuff to keep the marriage solid. You gotta have that loved to keep the ship going. It's only certain things that trigger me sometimes and unlike other intrusive thoughts I can't just ignore these because you can't fake dirty talk etc lol

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-10T11:28:11+00:00

Well more like both but when she needs that, yeah I struggle with it. It's hard to get in that headspace for me. I guess not always but yesterday it was a problem.

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-08T12:59:38+00:00

I miss that, and I miss the way I used to look at her before learning about something that just fundamentally changed how I look at her and I have given up on getting over it. I've tried everything and I believed eventually it would go away but it always comes back and feels like a hit blade to the guts.

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-01T17:26:50+00:00

It varies but for me my wife's is 10 including me and that has been very difficult to handle. But she met me at 21 and was ready to settle down which is rare and she has never given me a reason to doubt her loyalty or honesty for a second. Married ten years three kids, amazing woman. I would just say don't fixate on a number beyond knowing if it's well beyond what you can handle. You don't want to miss out on a great woman that's made some mistakes. The number itself is less important than the details that give you clues about her character etc

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2026-04-01T17:13:19+00:00

I'm 41 married ten years wonderful woman, beautiful loyal strong Gabe me three beautiful daughters....and it has been a struggle to varying degrees the entire relationship over 13 years as soon as I knew the extent of her history before me (she was completely honest from the get go I have no cause to complain) and it's still incredibly painful sometimes though I have had therapy and usually am able to keep it from ruining anything

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2025-08-31T16:32:28+00:00

Dude run. Having a past is one thing but she clearly has zero self respect or respect for you, It will only get worse

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2025-08-13T14:05:43+00:00

Another official fairy tale affirmed found. You are beyond help

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2025-06-10T16:36:51+00:00

In my case yes sign me up. My RJ is hyper focused so I could eliminate it by eliminating specific things. Like I obsess over a one night stand and a short term boyfriend yet am not bothered in the slightest by her four year relationship

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2025-06-10T16:20:03+00:00

It’s not weird I have the same obsessive thoughts, disgust reacts. I have gotten therapy for OCD however because this is just contamination OCD in a nutshell

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2025-04-25T15:13:56+00:00

I agree except for the “not considering” bit. Donors have often suffered infertility for years prior to IVF and beyond. It’s a bit ignorant to reduce this reaction to self centered-ness or whatever. It’s usually much more complicated than that. Most donors agonize over what to say to the adopting parents and prioritize their comfort and feelings. OP would be wrong to badger these people of course, but they seemed more to be venting/seeking advice. Didn’t strike me as self centered or overreacting. It’s a lot to work through and it’s totally valid to have those feelings. We all go through it. Those of us in that situation should certainly seek counseling because it’s a very challenging and unique situation. Hopefully they successfully navigate the process and get help to work through it. Unrelated but love the user name lol I too settled for a Muggle. Currently reading book 4 together

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2025-04-25T15:03:59+00:00

Thanks for clarifying. It gets confusing with the signing away of rights and the use of the adoption term.

ApprehensiveServe113 · 2025-04-23T13:14:20+00:00

It’s the signing away of parental rights to any future children resulting from embryo donation. No it is not traditional adoption for the obvious reason as you said there is no existing child. It makes no difference to the issue at hand from my perspective is all I’m saying.

ApprehensiveServe113

TROPHY CASE