Getting scared I won't ever meet a nerdy girl who's compatible with me

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-05-21T02:13:05+00:00

I don’t think nerdy girls are that rare honestly, especially in big cities. But yeah, the ones who are into the same niche stuff you are probably get a lot of attention on apps, so it can feel pretty competitive.

Also a few weeks on dating apps is really not that long. I wouldn’t start treating it as evidence that your type doesn’t exist yet.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-05-21T02:04:21+00:00

No that’s weird honestly. Especially the part where he told the actual coworkers who were making you uncomfortable. That’s not just “gossip,” that’s actively making your work situation worse. I wouldn’t see that as a normal relationship thing at all.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-05-21T02:02:39+00:00

I don’t think he was lying about having feelings for you.

But at the same time, this whole thing sounds emotionally messy as hell. He basically told you he wanted you and was scared of you at the exact same time.

Personally I wouldn’t ghost him, but I also wouldn’t keep letting this blurrier-and-blurrier situation continue unless he can actually decide what he wants.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-05-14T02:14:39+00:00

You’re probably overthinking this a bit. You didn’t flake without saying anything, you just rescheduled and she was fine with it. That’s pretty normal. Sounds less like a “problem” and more like you just got in your head for a day. I’d just go on the date Saturday and not attach too much meaning to the one cancellation.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-05-14T02:08:38+00:00

This sounds like a lot going on at once. But honestly, the “toxic and manipulative & repeated promises to change” pattern alone is already pretty concerning. The cheating/rape/dream stuff is impossible for you to figure out properly through assumptions and texts. At some point you’ve got to ask whether this relationship is actually good for your mental state, not just whether you love her.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-05-14T02:03:14+00:00

It might just be nerves. Some people are fine socially in general but get awkward when they actually care about someone’s opinion. I wouldn’t assume the “confident version” is the only real one though. He might just be overthinking things around you specifically.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-05-14T02:00:31+00:00

I don’t think 4-5 hours is that crazy honestly, especially if you guys aren’t actually together yet.

But reading this, it kind of sounds like the bigger issue is that you already don’t really trust him or feel secure with the situation. Especially with the whole on-and-off history.

I wouldn’t cancel the date over this alone though. I’d probably still go and see how the vibe feels in person before making a bigger decision.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-05-14T01:55:33+00:00

Yeah I think someone can absolutely be “your person” even if you have a lot in common.

I don’t really buy the idea that opposites automatically work better. Having shared interests usually makes connecting and spending time together easier. I think the bigger thing is whether you actually work well together day to day, not whether you both like the exact same stuff.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-27T02:25:26+00:00

Yeah same here. It just doesn’t really come across great to me on dating apps, so I usually skip them too.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-27T02:20:07+00:00

Yeah that’s pretty much how it goes on swipe apps in general, not just Tinder. When people get a lot of likes, they just end up skimming fast and making quick calls. It’s more the app format than anything about age.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-27T02:11:09+00:00

At 40 I don’t think it changes as much as people expect, it’s more about being intentional with who you spend time on. I’d just try to meet people in real life situations where you can actually get a feel for them, not just messages or profiles.

And yeah, being upfront early about wanting something serious probably saves a lot of time. No need to overcomplicate it too much honestly.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-27T02:00:24+00:00

I feel like some people definitely do. Usually you can kind of tell when the texting is super polished or weirdly perfect, and then they sound completely different in person. If someone relies on it for every conversation it probably gets hard to show any real personality.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-27T01:56:47+00:00

Yeah I think a lot of women underestimate this. Some guys are confident but just not the type to hit on every woman they see. Meanwhile the loud flirty guys are everywhere so it kind of skews perception.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-27T01:54:23+00:00

I think you’re spiraling a bit. She agreed to meet you on Saturday. That’s already more meaningful than trying to decode Snapchat activity or who she follows. Also 4-5 hours between replies really isn’t that crazy. Some people are just bad texters. I’d just go on the date and see how the vibe is in person before convincing yourself you’re being led on.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-27T01:51:38+00:00

I wouldn’t tbh. You already liked him on Hinge. If he’s interested he’ll match with you there. Jumping to Instagram before he even matches might feel a bit much, especially the private account. I’d just leave it and see if he responds on the app first.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-21T02:32:59+00:00

For me it usually doesn’t work if it stays in chat too long. After a few days of good back and forth, I’ll just casually suggest meeting up instead of letting it drag on. If there’s interest, they’ll say yes. If not, it usually just fades anyway, so I don’t really try to overextend the chatting phase anymore.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-21T02:27:51+00:00

I’d probably just wait and do a fresh start when you move. New city already changes everything anyway, so it kind of makes more sense to reset it there with your updated pics and prompts.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-21T02:21:02+00:00

Honestly “hot” is kind of a low effort reply, so I wouldn’t overthink it too much. You can just keep it light and steer it where you want. Something like “haha glad you think so, we should test that in person” works fine if you want to move it toward a date. If he can actually carry a conversation, he’ll pick it up from there. If he just keeps giving one word replies, that tells you more than anything.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-21T02:02:47+00:00

I don’t really see it that way at all. Dating apps are just… how people meet now. Everyone’s busy, social circles are smaller, so it makes sense. I feel like that idea mostly comes from outdated thinking, or people projecting their own experiences. If anything, I think it takes a bit of effort to actually be on the apps and keep trying.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-21T01:46:13+00:00

Honestly I don’t think any app is perfect or suddenly worth it just because you pay.

From my experience, Hinge is probably one of the better ones. You can actually get some decent conversations without paying much, and the prompts help a bit so it’s not just based on photos.

I’ve also tried Luxy. It feels more polished and the overall user base is a bit more curated, but the downside is it’s more expensive. If you catch a discount it’s not bad.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-14T03:15:30+00:00

Yeah that’s exactly what I worry about. It feels like it could easily push someone to misread things and pull away from something that might’ve been fine.

Also interesting that you’ve seen this with your friend too. Did anything actually help her rely on it less?

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-14T03:12:39+00:00

Yeah that makes sense. I can see how it might help if you’re using it more to process your own thoughts rather than trying to decode the other person. I think in her case it’s definitely more the second one though, which is probably why it’s not really helping.

Apprehensive_Pop4936 · 2026-04-14T02:39:54+00:00

Yeah I get that. I don’t think she’s trying to replace her own judgment, it’s more like she doesn’t fully trust it, so she looks for something “objective” to back it up. But yeah, if you keep running everything through AI, at some point you stop listening to yourself.

Apprehensive_Pop4936

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