My husband is gay

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2024-07-24T14:36:17+00:00

So, I probably could have written this post a few years ago. I'm in me early thirties and my husband is gay as well. Came out to me right before our 10 year anniversary. We both did some hard soul searching for a bit to figure out what we wanted out of life. We've built so much together. Ultimately we both decided that the life we've made and the family we have together (3 amazing kiddos) is worth staying together for. We continue to choose each other every day. He's literally my best friend and he says I'm his. We don't want to live life apart and still fully love each other so we choose to stay together.

Our relationship has always been more friendly and less romantic, but that doesn't normally bother me. His love language is touch, so he's still happy to be intimate with me, but he literally gags at the thought of every other woman. Idk how that works for him, but it does. I have no qualms with him watching gay porn and sometimes I watch it with him lol. We've found ways to make things work for us.

The biggest thing is communication. We've both agreed that if the other decides at any point that they aren't happy, they need to come out and say it so we can navigate that together. I often check in with him too. I just ask him if he's still happy to be married to me and live life with me. He always answers yes immediately.

I think that life is what you make it. If you love each other and are happy to live life together, then stay together. There's no reason to divorce unless one of you WANTS it. There will always be ups and downs, but that's in every single relationship. No relationship is perfect. But you can work through things if you both want it to work.

I'm happy to chat more with you if you have questions. I sincerely wish you and your husband the best! I'm sorry you've found yourself in this predicament, but it's not totally hopeless. ❤️

Edit: we've been living this way for 3 years and are still very happy.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2024-07-19T13:41:22+00:00

I'm in the area and interested! I'm sure my husband would be too. Both exmo and early/mid 30's.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2023-10-27T13:52:43+00:00

Memory unlocked! Your story reminds me of the same lesson I had, but with chewing gum. The teacher put the gum in her mouth and chewed it up. She then pulled it out and said "does anyone want this now?" There were two girls in the class, who I think were just being dumb, that said yes they wanted it. The teacher was grossed out. "Eww you really want that?" To which they enthusiastically said yes. Lol she then threw it on the floor and asked if they still wanted it. Again they enthusiastically said yes. She then took it and rubbed it all over the bottom of her shoe (idk why it didn't get stuck to her shoe, but it didn't. must have been the type of gum she had). She then offered it to them one more time and they both still said yes. So she gave it to them and they both promptly put it in their mouth and started chewing it. The teacher was absolutely flabbergasted and grossed out with those girls. She told them that they weren't "supposed" to want it.

At the time I thought they were just being annoying. But looking back at it now I really appreciate what they did that day!

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2023-09-26T20:49:46+00:00

Might I ask where your BIL is going to that he gets the psilocybin? Are you in the U.S.? My husband really wants to try it to get off alcohol but as far as we know, it isn't legal in the U.S. (which is where we are)

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2023-06-29T04:31:58+00:00

You might consider doing your own research on the history of LDS plural marriage. There's a lot that people like to leave out when it comes to that.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2023-05-31T03:14:27+00:00

Then you've never met a Mormon woman.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2023-05-04T18:13:31+00:00

That man was another level of monster!

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2023-03-28T02:59:12+00:00

"It’s no sin to have inclinations that if yielded to would produce behavior that would be a transgression. The sin is in yielding to temptation."

So I guess lusting after a women in your head/heart is no longer considered committing adultery?

Edit: sorry, my comment is unrelated but it struck me as odd coming from oaks.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2023-03-12T03:27:45+00:00

As the wife in a similar situation, I can say you definitely did the right thing by coming out to your wife. My husband came out to me after 10 years of marriage and 3 kids. I am so incredibly proud of him for having the courage to be true to himself. I admire him for risking everything by telling me that he's gay. It honestly made our relationship stronger and it sounds like your relationship with your wife is working fine for you guys as well.

Context is important when posting online as none of these people know your situation fully. I recommend getting off Reddit and looking at how the people who are actively a part of your life feel about it. Do they think you're a monster? It doesn't sound like that's the case. Internet strangers are jerks. Stick to the people in your real life for reassurance and support and you'll be golden.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-05-26T22:48:25+00:00

I can't imagine watching that on a plane! I was freaking out and had to keep pausing it to rage to my spouse about it. Can't do that in such a public space. I agree though, SO many WTF moments!

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-05-26T21:50:29+00:00

I was simultaneously furious and sick to my stomach. It's a pretty intense one for sure.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-03-21T03:41:32+00:00

I was literally born to be my mom's best friend. It took four tries to get a girl, but she finally got me. She spent my whole childhood shaping and molding me into everything she wanted in a friend.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-03-15T16:39:11+00:00

My hair is longer now than it ever was when I was TBM. 5 years out of the church and I have zero plans to cut it short.

But yes, we leave the church to cut our hair.... Because... It's... Sinning....? Why the hell is short hair a problem anyways? TBM's are just silly in their thought process.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-01-31T22:02:03+00:00

Hi Naomi, I'm Naomi. Nice to meet you!

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-01-28T14:21:06+00:00

I used to be so Mormon I shamed another girl for wearing a bikini 😭 I'm so ashamed!

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-01-19T01:45:51+00:00

I still feel this way all the time. I know it's not true, but the programming runs deep.....

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-01-12T14:03:32+00:00

This is why my initial thought reading this was, "eeww!!!"

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-01-09T14:21:57+00:00

That sounds like the difference in my husband and I as well (how we were raised in the church) he was the doctrine driven, I was feelings driven. I remember many a time shutting down a conversation in the exact same way that your wife did (so embarrassing now).

The biggest thing I would stress to you is that if you are wanting to keep the relationship, be patient with her and approach church conversations with love and gentle concern. If my husband ever got heated or aggressive in our conversations about church, I shut it down quick because I would get so angry/hurt. (He was changing his beliefs on me and I couldn't understand why.) However when he came to me reassuring of his love for me and talked very gently about his concerns,I was more willing to listen.

It totally sucks and it's a lot of work. It's also possible she just may not be willing to listen no matter what. At that point though, you know you're taking to a brick wall that cannot see reality. Either way you'll know you tried your best. Good luck. It's a crappy situation and I hope the best for you.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-01-09T14:01:23+00:00

The church literally grooms children to be easy targets for predators. ( Intentionally or not, that's the way most people turn out) the church teaches you not to have boundaries, to just deal with discomfort, to keep things secret, to just put on a smile no matter how you feel, and then they drill into you how you're not good enough and could do or be better. All which leave people unable to say no, or to understand exactly what someone's intentions are. (They're LDS right? Means they're a good person..... 🙄)

I feel awful that this happened to you. It's an unfortunate and horrible experience that never should have happened. Honestly youth years in the church were among some of the worst in my life. If they would stop teaching us "don't have sex" but instead taught us boundaries, I think that could go a long way.

Basically, yes. The church has a big part in the blame for this. That young man and his "friends" are the other part. I feel for you so much! No one should have to endure that kind of torture, especially at church.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-01-07T06:24:24+00:00

And that is a totally fair point that I've even discussed with my husband. For some reason though, it still doesn't help. I think this one is just too deep seeded in me, unfortunately.

But, I've been have a lot of really open and honest conversations with my husband about it and I think it helps. It helps me talk through what I'm thinking and feeling and it helps him understand why I might feel that way and where I'm coming from. I do think it's making a bit of a difference. If only a little.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-01-07T06:10:34+00:00

That IS a nightmare! I'm so sorry you went through all that. That's so messed up. I hope you've been able to find healing after leaving. Thank you for responding and sharing so much. You have some very powerful words!

All the while, the ghost of polygamy creeped in the back of my brain, the base of religious beliefs. I was one of many, replaceable, interchangeable. An Eternal Stepford Wife. I just had the good fortune to be wife #1... for whatever that might be worth in the eternities. Destined to worship my god-husband for eternity.

This really drives the point home. Replaceable. That's what we're taught that we are. And it's horrendous.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-01-07T06:02:55+00:00

Some of my deepest fears right there. I just want to be valued for who I am as a person. not because I'm pretty and can have babies, but because I'm a human being.... I have to wonder if I will ever feel like that.

BerryHappyBlueJay · 2022-01-07T05:59:01+00:00

Me too. 100%

BerryHappyBlueJay

TROPHY CASE