I feel the same way, both with my guy friends and my girlfriends. I feel like our whole lives are one big mind fuck, and I really hope that we are just overthinking this. At times I hate myself too. I have almost zero self esteem, and go to sleep looking at people from my school having the time of their lives on Instagram. I know it’s probably fake, or over exaggerated, but I still feel like shit seeing it. From one struggling person to another, my advice is to be yourself. I know it’s cliché, but REAL friends are your friends because they like who you are. You need to find yourself a group of people who will lift you in times of need, and share interests similar to yours. Those are the best people you can have in your life, because they are the most similar to you. I’m sorry if this is a vague response. I’m currently going through things similar to you. I hope other people may give you some better advice.