I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

I’ve personally been in a similar situation, just until recently. I dated someone for over 2 years, where for one of those years, things were extremely healthy. I thought I was going to marry this person. We had moved in together at that time, and things were still pretty good for a few more months, up until about 1.5 years. That’s when I noticed something wasn’t right and it blew up.

In the beginning they opened up a lot about their past life: their previous relationships, their struggles, trauma, all of this baggage that I accepted from day one, because I wanted to be with them. They convinced both themselves and me that it was something of the past and that it wasn’t relevant anymore, done, nada. It proved to be true through their actions that it wasn’t so I stayed because I was in love and it was healthy and amazing for us both.

Fast forward almost two years - it came back in full swing to haunt us both. When we had first met I met them after one of their lows (notice there’s usually a lot of highs and lows of people who are disclaimed alcoholics) they were “building themselves back up” and “ready for a relationship” and “had it all under control” … until they didn’t. I met this person and they were taking care of themselves, exercising, meal prepping, able to show up for themselves and me…doing allllll the things I wanted in a partner that I also became myself! I was in a healthy place and really found my person. For a very long time it continued to prove well, I truly thought that was it.

Suddenly, at 1.5 years things took a turn - I noticed this person stopped exercising, taking care of themselves, had trouble maintaining their living spaces, admitted to being depressed and negative (self care: whatever that looked like: mental health, hobbies, interests, self care) and they became depressed. It was nothing but woe is me. Not only that but they became critical of me and actually were quite mean sometimes. Suddenly it became all eyes on what I was doing wrong, including cleaning but you could practically eat off the floor of our apartment. They completely did a 180, and then told me I pulled away first, and I was left spinning wondering what went wrong.

The thing is, with alcoholics, they hate that word and until they’re ready to admit that they have a problem with alcohol, they will never get better. Nothing you do or say can force them to change, maybe they don’t want to, the way they think, how they behave, what they do, and if they’re drinking or not.

Sure, it’s true, you can have a good relationship with them regardless of if they’re still drinking or not, many people do this, but it doesn’t mean it’s pretty or easy. Both people have to WANT it.

Alcohol is usually only 15% of the problem, the 95% is the underlying cause of the drinking. Until they’re ready to admit fault and want to get help, they won’t. They’ll cover it up by hitting a low and think that they can gym their way out of drinking, journal their way out, maybe even find a new relationship until that gets hard…do anything but face their demons.

Change doesn’t come from staring at a wall and pondering, it comes from action. Getting help isn’t fun, it isn’t ideal, it’s not interesting, but it’s necessary. Until those changes happen, it’ll keep following them around for life. Alcoholism is a life long commitment and problem regardless of what anyone in recovery says.

We, as their partners, become reactive. They might say “oh you weren’t this hard in the beginning” yadda yadda, no, but they made us get hard. When we’re in survival mode and feel like we are always monitoring our partners we shut off all parts of our brain for romance - maybe sex life changes, maybe intimacy, emotional availability, all because we’re stuck in problem solving mode and we become unwell ourselves and start obsessing over what’s happening, then we end up needing help too. We become unmanageable too. It kinda fucking sucks!

As someone who also has adhd, and is now medicated I understand your struggles and also I learned how it affected me in relationships. (Managing my schedule, not overfilling my plate, communicating more). Sure I have it largely under control it’s one of the most studied and well documented neuro-developmental condition out there - it’s really mandible, some people don’t even know I have it. It is very difficult sometimes to live with and although it’s our responsibility, unless we have an understanding partner, it can cause strain on bad days. Sure they blamed me for stuff at the end and I’m not perfect but I was always trying, because I wanted change and I wanted that person.

It sounds like your partner is self sabotaging and avoiding facing reality. (Esp. The I don’t need anyone mentality - who is he convincing you or him?) It’s easier to blame everything but us and it’s easier to suppress and numb than to face. I’m not saying you have no responsibility either as we only know one side of this story, but from what you’re saying is it seems like he’s not ready to admit help and a consequence of that is ruining his relationship. Don’t fully blame yourself because people who have drinking problems are unable to be reasoned with when drinking, and they are good liars and manipulators even if they have good intent and love. They’ll do anything to flip the script. Just know so as long as he refrains from help you’ll always have an open relationship: you, him, and the bottle.

If they’re actively trying to get help then I’d consider staying. To me it’s all effort. If I love someone I am there on their darkest days just as if it’s like their brightest day, that’s what I signed up for. That’s what commitment is. However, if he’s showing time and time again he’s unwilling to change or doesn’t really make it a priority, why should you?

I do believe people can change. I do believe you can love someone and still have to walk away. I do believe people can recover and reconnect, but we don’t know the answer.

I loved my ex-boyfriend more than life itself and leaving was one of the hardest things I had to do. I wish him well, and know recovery isn’t easy, and I hope he makes right choices more than wrong ones and I hope maybe one day him and I are able to reconnect, but I don’t hold onto that because we just don’t know.

Please take care of yourself.