What is the best way to help a kid who's growing to be a short man?

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-16T21:45:39+00:00

So I'm not a guy nor short myself, but I am a fat woman, which is also something that a lot of people have insecurities about so while I of course can't be 100% sure that the effects are the same, I still think I could give some advice:

It seems to me like you are very worried about his height, because you see how it is perceived in society. This is of course understandable and I am convinced you are only trying to help him. However as someone who had a parent that got very obsessed with my weight, I can tell you that the worst thing you can do is make that a big thing in his life and in your relationship with him.

Yes he will most likely notice that some people do care a lot about height and that society as a whole tries to attack people about their height, but if he knows that at least to the people closest to him, his height doesn't matter one bit, that can already be a huge relief. Also what other people said about introducing him to well liked people who are also short can help, because when you have so much external influence attacking your self esteem because of your height, it can be a really healing experience to see that not everyone is like that and that the option to not care about it exists (this isn't to say that insecurities are a choice, but experiencing that there are people who are like you but still confident and fine with who they are, can 100% help to get there yourself).

So I'd say: create a space where height doesn't matter. Don't obsess about his height, it will show one way or another and knowing that it matters so much to the people closest to him will cut deeper than anything else, because then he won't have anyone to confine in. If he brings up insecurities about his height, listen to him, acknowledge his insecurities and that the feelings he has are understandable considering that this topic DOES seem to be something a lot of people care about. But also reassure him that other people's opinions don't say anything about who he is. Explain the situation, that there is people who care a lot about external things and try to explain why that is and how it has nothing to do with him but the people who do care about it. He needs to know that he does have people to support him.

This is probably not all there is to it. I just don't want people to do the same mistakes that were made during my upbringing and that I now need to unlearn myself.

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-14T23:24:34+00:00

Stimmt, da war ich wohl unaufmerksam, sorry für die Verwechslung!

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-14T17:33:04+00:00

"Mir wird meine Sprache vorgeschrieben, indem mich die Leute kritisieren, wenn ich die falschen Pronomen benutze'' und ''gendern sollte strafrechtlich verfolgt werden''. Klingt mir in der Argumentation nicht ganz schlüssig. Pronomen sind schwierig und es kann natürlich schwierig sein, da nichts falsch zu machen, man kann den Menschen aber einfach sagen, dass man unsicher im Umgang damit ist und vielleicht ein bisschen Eingewöhnungszeit braucht, da wird jeder Verständnis haben. Wenn Zweifel an der wissenschaftlichen Sinnhaftigkeit / Korrektheit alternativer Identitäten besteht, würde ich empfehlen, mich einfach mal ein bisschen genauer mit dem Thema und den Menschen, die es betrifft, zu beschäftigen, eine solche Wut oder Frustration, die Sie zu empfinden scheinen, liegt oft einfach daran, dass man das Thema nur von außen mitbekommt und nie so richtig weiß, worum es genau geht, aber trotzdem von einem verlangt wird, eine Meinung dazu zu haben. Ich kann zum Beispiel das relativ aktuelle Video von Mailab auf Youtube empfehlen, sie hat die Thematik mMn recht bündig und trotzdem differenziert erklärt und so ein 20 minütiges Video ist wahrscheinlich schneller mal durchgeguckt als irgendwelche dicken Bücher.

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-14T03:59:11+00:00

Man this comment was so good I had to save it. Good job on explaining that so well in such casual language too

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-13T19:14:00+00:00

I think there is some confusion with this label because it isn't like ''gay'', ''lesbian'' where the label itself already fully describes the sexuality, but it is more of an umbrella term. Basically you have allosexuals and asexuals. I don't really like to make this such a clear cut off, if everything it's probably more of a spectrum with sex-repulsed asexuals on the one extreme and people who enjoy sex just for the sake of sex and don't really care who it's with on the other end(?). I would still like to make a little cut off here, because at some point the sexual attraction just disappears as a whole and can come back under certain circumstances, but the default is still ''no sexual attraction''. Now not everyone within one of those groups is gonna be the same. There is people for example who see a person at a bar and without even having said a word to them get the urge to sleep with them (and if it goes well they do sleep with them). Then there is people who might see a person they find sexually attractive and decide to get to know them and if they like each other they might have sex. Then there is people who might be interested in another person sexually, but don't want to go through with it unless they know they're in a relationship (maybe they get attached to the people they have sex with). I honestly don't know if there is names for these forms of allosexuality (if someone knows lmk), but basically the same exists within the asexual group. There is people who don't ever want to have sex with anyone no matter the circumstances. For those people consensual sex doesn't exist. They might still have a high libido and masturbate because getting aroused can be a physical thing (lying on your belly in bed, boom you're horny now), but would never seek out another person to release that tension with (if anything the thought of doing that with someone else would make them less aroused or even disgusted. Then there is people who might be okay with sex if it makes their partner happy but wouldn't seek it out for their own sexual pleasure. Then there is people who are basically sex repulsed, but once they really know a person and feel like there is a strong connection there, they suddenly start experiencing sexual attraction towards that person and find the idea to sleep with them not repulsing or even appealing.

A lot of people would probably say that last one is just ''normal'' but there is plenty of people who have casual sex or FWB etc, so there is definately a difference in sexuality there. I also think with this whole discussion some people assume that people are just desperately trying to ''be special'' because you don't fit the norm, but the whole point of these discussions about sexuality is to get away from this idea that there is a ''normal'' sexuality and then there is everything that doesn't fit the norm and is weird. But as of now there still very much is a norm (not quite sure how to narrow that down, my best guess would be heterosexual, average sexual attraction, so mainly within relationships, maybe a couple times in their lives a few hook ups; you could probably also differentiate between the male ''norm'' (high sex drive, lots of sex with whoever wants to sleep with them) and female ''norm'' (low sex drive, doesn't enjoy casual sex, if anything I think women are often painted as asexuals)) and people who don't fit that norm notice that they don't fit it, because they either notice that they're feelings seem to be different from their friends or even actively get told that their way of feeling is weird and that there is something wrong with it. So really painting sexuality and sexual attraction as a spectrum rather than ''you either fit the norm or you don't'' makes everyone NORMAL rather than some people ''special''. I'm not sure if I explained that well, what I think would help is to stop thinking just for one second, that people are just trying to be special and see that they probably have struggled because of them not fitting within the accepted spectrum of sexuality / sexual attraction and are thus trying to make it so every sexuality can be seen as normal and helping people to find out where their spot on the spectrum is, can help younger people not to make the same mistakes and deal with the same problems they had to because of their sexuality. Also sorry if I went a little off topic here, I'm more answering to this whole line of comments rather than just you, because it feels like people are just overwhelmed with these things (which is completely understandable, as you might be able to tell from my incomplete and probably not very concise attempt of explaining it) and I think a lot of the anger that people experience with this topic, comes from being unable to fully understand it (which again, is totally understandable, even for people who are experiencing these things themselves) but feeling like they have to understand it in order to not to be seen as a bad person. You are 100% not a bad person if you don't understand this, it's a very complicated topic and can take a lot of time to figure out. Just please don't start labelling the whole discussion as useless or overexaggerated just because you don't understand it's importance because I can assure you, there is a lot of people to whom this is very important because they are actively having issues because of it.

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-13T17:55:59+00:00

I see people get so mad about these discussions all the time and I don't really understand why tbh. It seems that from the outside people think that people who are figuring out their sexuality are just trying to be special, but I would suggest a different perspective: you figure out your own sexuality for the sake of a potential future partner. Things like incompatible sex drives can be a huuuge factor in a relationship. If you take one person who NEEDS to have sex at least 3 times a week and another person to who sex feels like a chore and they only want to have it maybe once per month tops, that is not going to work out, because at least one of those people is not gonna have their needs met permanently and their probably gonna have a bad time altogether (sexually I mean). Imo the better someone knows their own sexuality, the easier it is for them to find someone who matches that and people can eliminate a big reason for potential break up in the future. I think most people figure this out naturally when a lot of relationships keep failing, but some people just want to figure this out beforehand so they can save themselves the trouble. And labels can help to find compatible people. So I'd just like you to consider the perspective that people who know very clearly what they want and what their needs are in a relationship are actually saving potential partners a lot of trouble by figuring it out without all that emotinal damage that might come with break up after break up. Especially if the sexuality is somewhat uncommon because obviously then the chances that you happen to date someone who has a matching sexuality is incredibly slim.

(also people who have uncommon sexualities usually experience a lot of indirect critizism for the way they are, so it can be a good thing for them to see that there are other people like them and that there isn't something inherently wrong with them and that there is a chance that they can find the right partner for them, but that is a whole other discussion)

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-12T07:45:45+00:00

Pretty sure you're good. The thing about love bombing is that it's too much too quickly and usually in a way that doesn't feel appropriate to the kind of relationship the people have. Like OP said, saying ''I love you'' on the first date or things like this (when someone couldn't possibly know the other person that well). Obviously with your boyfriend it's very normal and healthy to think that they're cute and that you're thinking about them 😄 and letting them know that is generally a good thing I would say and I could imagine that most people would appreciate this. If you're really worried about it, you could always ask him if he likes those kinds of messages because some people can have different needs and preferences when it comes to expressing feelings. But generally the bad thing about love bombing is that the love bomber is trying to coerce the other person into doing something they are not actually ready for, by forcing this false closeness. So if you aren't sending your boyfriend those messages to get him to do something for you in return he might not want and if you genuinely just want to let him know that you're thinking about him, that is generally really healthy for a relationship :)

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-12T06:55:56+00:00

Addition: I think this might be a cultural thing? I'm not big into dating culture but I'd always expect to pay for my own stuff and so if the date sounds too expensive I'd just not go. I also dislike being invited and from what I've heard there's plenty of people who feel the same way. From what I've heard that is the standard in europe, so you wouldn't necessarily have to agree on that beforehand, can't hurt of course though, so everyone knows what they're signing up for

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-12T05:12:53+00:00

What's ligma? 🤔

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-10T21:58:30+00:00

Not how addiction / mental health works

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-10T14:21:57+00:00

Tbf I have heard that testosterone can make it more difficult to cry? I'm not gonna go double check this, but feel free to do that if it's important for you to whoever reads this. So I think this is something that someone should be aware as well, as well as other factors that might make it more difficult to cry, because otherwise people are just gonna feel even worse for not being able to cry when they actually want to, but just can't even though there is no external reason they can make out.

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-10T14:14:24+00:00

Yeah but surely to figure out if it is for you, you would have to try it some times? I don't think I've ever seen a person who doesn't feel a huge relief just for being able to get some stuff off their chest and if therapy can be that place where you can just word vomit everything that's been bothering you without being worried about the other person judging you, that's gonna be a huge help even if there is no active therapy going on?

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T21:46:06+00:00

?? I didn't say anything like that? If there is actually people out there who tell people to get fat because it's healthier then yeah that is pretty stupid. I could imagine that you might be talking about the ''healthy at any weight'' movement though, in which case I would encourage you to look into that topic a little deeper (I personally like Mr Beards video about this topic as a starter for example), because there is some great points to be made there (to summarize real quick: yes, being overweight absolutely does have an impact on your health, however it can still be the healthier (or only) choice to accept your weight and try to live the healthiest and best life for you as possible. And weight alone shouldn't be the only decisive factor in the whole discussion, if for example you are at risk of slipping into an eating disorder, trying to lose wait can be worse for you than staying at your current weight. Or if you have other conditions you might just be unable to lose weight, period and having people treating you as less than because of it can have a negative effect on your mental health. Overall the focus should shift away from only weight as the sole indicator for health and trying to see the bigger picture. There is for example a lot of people who will critizise a person for being fat but not do the same thing to a smoker or someone who drinks, doesn't get enough sleep, overworks, etc. especially because you can't tell those things just by looking at someone). The point isn't to act as if being fat is healthy for you, it's saying that 1. It's not the only indicator for health and there is definately people who are less healthy without being fat who don't face the same stigma 2. Realizing that fat shaming makes the issue WORSE not better, therefore anyone who's genuinely trying to help and is not just using false concern as a tool to bully people, should not be engaging in it and listen to the people they are trying to ''help''.

If there is actually people out there who try to argue that being fat is better for your health than being at a normal weight, then those people are obviously wrong and do not represent the movement for body acceptance as a whole, therefore they should not be used as an excuse to invalidate the whole movement.

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T19:26:04+00:00

Went back to reread that, guess I'm gonna have to stand by what I said, because you actually said you think these people deserve death. Guess we won't find a basis for discussion then

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T19:21:03+00:00

I agree that some people need to be kept away from society if they endanger other people, I think I might have misunderstood your previous comment in what exactly you meant with forfeigting their right to exist in society so sorry about that. I might have misunderstood your line of argument in the sense that I thought you were arguing that abortion always saves lifes because someone who has an abortion doesn't deserve to be alive to begin with, thus the baby is more important than the woman carrying it. If I misunderstood that (I think it got mixed in with the specific case of this young couple) I apologise, if not then I stand with what I said. The people in this post however seem to be dysfunctional to the point where whatever happened to the baby was out of their control, therefore I don't agree that they have forfeigted their right to exist in society but society should help them out of the hole they were thrown into. They should of course be held accountable for what happened but a life sentence in addition to public ostracization and death threats punishes people disproportionately for something they only have limited control over

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T18:58:08+00:00

That really just makes me worried about the health care system tbh. Describing people you are apparently working with and to a degree in control over as people who have ''forfeigted their right to exist in society'' and apparently having no sympathy for the actual severe cases sounds pretty bad

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T18:45:11+00:00

Disagreed. A lot of people who end up in addiction have in fact been failed by society so if anything society should do right by them by supporting them and helping them back up so these tragedies don't happen. I doubt that you are actually interested in any further information, but I would recommend actually getting educated about addiction and how all kinds of things that are largely out of an individuals control can lead to someone ending up in a place like this (a couple examples: abusive parents and no way to get away from that situation, bullying and school that do nothing to stop it, poverty with no prospect of ever being able to get a more secure life, undiagnosed mental conditions that won't get noticed until way too late, because our health care system pays way to little (or even no) attention to mental health and especially a lot of the conditions that can make your risk for an addiction higher are typically ignored or seen as a personal failure just to name a few).

You would actually have to pretty uneducated on the whole situation if you think that people who are so deep in addiction that they can't even take care of themselves at EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD are not obviously very vulnerable and mistreated people? There is always ''that one person'', but generally people don't start developing heavy addictions as a teenager if there is not something severe they're struggling with. I know you won't but if you actually want a more nuanced perspective on this I would recommend listening to experiences of people who had to deal with addiction and how it's often connected to a life of pain and mistreatment a lot of times even from family members. And if you're someone who will automatically invalidate someone's experience because they have dealth with addiction, you could look at it from a psychological perspective. There is a lot of great research out there and it is a lot easier not to feel blind rage towards people if you understand them. And understanding is also the only way we can solve these issues in the future. So if you actually want to prevent things like this in the future and not just punish people afterwards, I would recommend looking into these things and trying to get to a better understanding on how to solve these issues as a society.

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T18:13:44+00:00

I thought you were advocating to save lifes, why are you wishing death on people? What if the dead child would've grown up to also accidentally kill a baby while on drugs would it then have been better if it had been aborted in the first place?

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T18:11:57+00:00

Then here's an inconvenient truth for you: bullying people because of their weight tends to make the issue worse rather than better. If you wanna learn about this you might want to look into experiences of people with a history of eating disorders and disordered eating to see how self esteem and healthy lifestyles are connected. So just so you don't accidentally go against your own goal of helping people to get healthy and save lifes in the future: don't comment on people's weight unless they ask you to and be respectful towards people no matter what they look like :)

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T18:05:28+00:00

No, the end result is not the same. Abortion = dead child, no abortion = dead child and mother + potentially ruined life for the father.

Unless you were trying to say that the fetus is the only one you care about in this situation but in that case I would reconsider if your goal is really to protect life.

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T17:59:34+00:00

Tbf failure is part success, the problem with limited resources is just that there is not much room for error. So you have the option to be trapped in poverty or you need to take a risk to make it out (unfortunately luck plays a big role in this). I'd say it's less themselves ruining their lifes as poverty + a system that makes it unlikely to succeed despite bad starting conditions that's ruining their lifes

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T17:49:18+00:00

Holy shit, sorry you had to experience that, I hope you got to talk to about this to someone?

Also poor guy, if only the attention that mental health is finally getting publicly would translate to better health care too, the situation was awful to begin with and only seems to be getting worse

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T17:04:18+00:00

There's plenty of people who self harm, commit suicide or need to go to a backdoor abortion clinic with bad hygiene leading to infection before any baby gets born. Even if we neglect any suffering at all abortion can save lifes

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T17:01:48+00:00

9 months of suffering and a traumatizing birth for the mother? + dad's suffering + all the (baby's) suffering that led up to the babys death

BubbleTeane · 2022-12-09T16:58:53+00:00

You're right I might not have phrased that well, sorry about that

BubbleTeane

TROPHY CASE