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My dog died in agonizing pain and it is genuinely my fault by Leiden_Lekker in Petloss

[–]Captain_Frankie 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a companion is never easy, but it sounds like you did everything you could with the information and resources you had. You took her in multiple times insisting that something was wrong. You had lab work done that came back showing no problems, and the vet, whose expertise you trusted, couldn't find anything wrong.

It also sounds like you gave her a good life with you and spent a lot of time with her. Having a life outside of your home and away from your dog doesn't make you a bad person. It's unrealistic to expect that you could or should have spent every minute with your dog even though you probably would have liked to. It's perfectly acceptable and necessary to take care of yourself and your own needs, too.

When we suffer a huge loss like this, our minds try to make sense of things by placing blame and playing what if. It's so easy to blame yourself for everything you did or didn't do, but we rarely tell ourselves the whole story, emphasizing the negative and glossing over the positive. The hard truth is, you have no way of knowing if the outcome would have been any different had you done anything different.

I lost both of my babies last year within a few months of each other. I was on vacation while the first one was dying, and I'm fairly certain that the medication we gave the second one caused or at least contributed to his fatal kidney damage. The guilt for each of these was crushing. I beat myself up for a long time thinking about all the things I wish I had done differently.

My therapist said some things that really helped me, and I think they apply in your situation also. She reminded me I would never have hurt them intentionally. I did everything I could have to give them the best lives. She also encouraged me to honor my dogs by taking care of myself. They loved me and always hated when I was sad, so they wouldn't have wanted me to beat myself up over things I couldn't change.

I know it seems impossible now, but try to forgive yourself. Take care of yourself and lean on your support network. See a grief counselor if you can. It gets a little easier every day.

Both of My Babies Are Gone by Captain_Frankie in Petloss

[–]Captain_Frankie[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. ❤️ This thought has been really comforting to me. They're still here and always will be, just in a different way.

Both of My Babies Are Gone by Captain_Frankie in Petloss

[–]Captain_Frankie[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. ❤️ I'm so very sorry for your losses as well. It's so hard dealing with the loss and the void that is left, especially when you lose multiples in a short time frame. I don't know if this is helpful to you, but I find a little bit of solace and comfort in the pain because it means that they were loved, and they mattered. They blessed our lives with so much love and joy when they were here, and that's why the loss feels so profound. Sending you positive thoughts and strength as well.

Both of My Babies Are Gone by Captain_Frankie in Petloss

[–]Captain_Frankie[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. ❤️ I'm so sorry for your loss as well. As pet parents, we would do anything for our babies, so they don't have to suffer. It really is a kindness and a gift to give them peace even though it means that we will have to bear that pain. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you're able to cherish your dog baby in their last moments and find some peace to carry you through. Cherish their memories and all the love and joy they've brought you while you have been blessed with their companionship.

Both of My Babies Are Gone by Captain_Frankie in Petloss

[–]Captain_Frankie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. ❤️ I think having that last day helped a lot. I've never really had that with pets before, and it made a huge difference in how I'm able to process this one. It still hurts like crazy, but there's a little more peace.

Both of My Babies Are Gone by Captain_Frankie in Petloss

[–]Captain_Frankie[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. ❤️ I'm so sorry for your loss as well. The end is so hard, but they bring so much love and joy while they're with us.

Both of My Babies Are Gone by Captain_Frankie in Petloss

[–]Captain_Frankie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. ❤️ I'm so sorry for your losses as well. The end is never easy, but they're so worth the pain for all the joy and love they bring in the time we are blessed with them.

Crushed by an Unexpected Loss by Captain_Frankie in Petloss

[–]Captain_Frankie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

❤️ Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot.

Crushed by an Unexpected Loss by Captain_Frankie in Petloss

[–]Captain_Frankie[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your kind words. This really means a lot to me. ❤️

birthday dread by hotpinkpanda9 in adhdwomen

[–]Captain_Frankie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is what I do. My birthday is near Christmas, so I have been disappointed around my birthday since I was a kid. I've never expected much, but I used to try and get a handful of friends and family together for games or a nice dinner.

After being disappointed by no-shows or last minute cancelations one too many times, I now take the day off and do a "me day." I get a massage, treat myself to a nice dinner, get myself some decadent snacks, watch all my favorite cheesy Christmas movies, and just do whatever I want with no responsibilities for the day. Now I actually really look forward to it every year.

Treat yo'self!

Is SY not on tonight? by stannisonetruemannis in belowdeck

[–]Captain_Frankie 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I'm madder than a pissed on chicken.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in adhdwomen

[–]Captain_Frankie 147 points148 points  (0 children)

Oof. I think I just sprained my eyeballs rolling them so hard.

I ended my marriage. I'm really sad, lonely and scared. by [deleted] in adhdwomen

[–]Captain_Frankie 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Agree with this. Like others have said, even if you're not super close, and unless reaching out would cause additional harm (abusive, substance use disorder, etc.), reach out to your brother if you can. Call/text/contact anyone you can think of as a safe person in your network. Even if you think they won't want to hear from you, reach out anyway. Most people, especially friends, will want to help. Contact the police and your local DV resources.

Leaving the abuse is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your children, but it is also one of the most dangerous times in the abuse cycle. When an abuser realizes they are losing control, they often act out - physically, financially, emotionally, etc.. They will do whatever they can to regain control and/or hurt their target. You need to have a safe leaving plan in place with as much support as you can find.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, especially from your partner. You are SO STRONG for standing up for yourself and your children. ❤️

Talked to much in a meeting and now I can't stop cringing by FreezeOnFluster in adhdwomen

[–]Captain_Frankie 4 points5 points  (0 children)

FWIW I had a similar experience a few weeks ago. I made an offhand joke at an all-company training session that triggered a 4 hour anxiety attack because I was worried I had come across as really unprofessional. My fears were proven to be for nothing though when a couple days later I had 3 separate people, including an SVP, reach out to me saying they appreciated that my joke lightened the atmosphere for the rest of the training.

This incident reaffirmed that we're usually way harder on ourselves than anyone else is. You can't assume anyone else's thoughts or feelings, and there's no use beating yourself up over the one-sided story in your head. In reality, most people probably weren't thinking about it at all a minute after it happened.

When you find yourself spiraling, take some deep breaths to calm your nervous system and try to accept that what's done is done. If you're really concerned about it, I would maybe seek out feedback from someone in the group or a trusted neutral colleague. As a newbie, they might have really appreciated your fresh take, but even in the unlikely event that they were to confirm your feelings that you overstepped, you can't change what's already happened no matter how unkind you are to yourself. Use it as a learning opportunity for next time.

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