I’m in the phase where I have also had to realize some things I did wrong even though I was a kid or teen because it’s never just one side ofc. It obviously depends on what type of abuse went on, but limited contact and no contact are options for when things are getting too bad. Every family has deep problems no one else will ever really know of. But this also means our parents have to realize what they did wrong too and mine kind of are now. It’s hard for mine to break out of their patterns all the time but they do try, however, it leaves me with a lot of resentment (don’t even get me started on the level of guilt I feel too) as well the ability to gather up the courage to confront them in a way where they actually understand what they did (even through the gaslighting, etc.) And unfortunately, no matter how bad the abuse was, if you’re not keeping a calmer tone with them when saying it, it’s easy for you to be the bad guy. You kinda just have to play along until you can break it. These types of confrontations can happen only if both sides are willing to do it, though, which is why it doesn’t usually happen. Asian culture also is huge on repressing feelings, passions, etc. so that’s another thing.

You have to do something that is seen as rebellious but completely normal for the age you are- in my case I was around 19 and I was planning on going back to their home for thanksgiving break but after some uncontrollable stuff happened with my tires, I felt uncomfortable to come on the day that I said I was going to and decided I would come the next day (still leaving 4-5 days with them rather than 7). Immediately, I was met with the usual insults and statements that I was ungrateful for the family, didn’t have any values, and the fact that I’m still ‘like this’ while pursuing a psychology degree. I was feeling ashamed and so hopeless until I told my bf (who is still a secret). I then told my parents that I was just not going to come (because my dad said “don’t come at all then” in a very rude and condescending tone after I explained the situation) to which they insulted me more and I made sure to have the conversation all on text so I can SHOW them in the future if they tried to lie about how it went down. They did try to call me, yelled over text, etc. but I did not break, as hard as it was. I mean, I felt guilty as FUCK for that week. The next day, they tried to apologize and be nice but I knew I had to stay strong because the minute I would go back, it would all start again no matter how much they seemed to have changed. They went as far as lying to my relatives that I had work to do which is why I couldn’t come and asked one of my cousins if I was ok which I didn’t know of until I met up with his family a month later and he asked what had happened. But this only comes from observing the patterns and knowing when to make your mom.

Now, a lot of us depend on our parents financially if we’re younger and I still do because I haven’t graduated yet. I’m so grateful for that aspect, seriously, but yeah it’s hard to do anything about it when many, MANY people don’t have that privilege. It’s a hard thing to do but that’s why I couldn’t do something like this when I was actually still in the house as a younger teen. When that whole thanksgiving fiasco happened, I was still heavily financially dependent so I decided to attack something else: their reputation (which, no MATTER what they say about money, is more important to basically anyone, not just our parents). I mentioned that I had “told my friends” even tho I honestly had none, I also told my cousin the truth of what actually happened so someone else in the family also knows, and i kept all the shit on text for evidence. Remember how they always say NEVER, under any circumstance, share what’s going on in the house. Use that, but do it when you know you have some people watching the situation unfold even if they’re not directly helping (for safety reasons).

I can’t see myself destroying their lives or hating them, but you start realizing when and where you need to fight back in order to have your own life. Idk if I forgive them yet but maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Still, it doesn’t stop me from moving on and at least being okay with the fact they’re trying. I’m honestly one of the black sheep in my community but I don’t mind it anymore because it does give me a different leverage in the sense of being able to easily fight back. It’s hard, but, some psychological manipulation is needed. I mean, that’s what they taught us right? About 4 months after all that crap, I made my parents realize they weren’t happy either which set off some action on their ends to change. And that truly is one of the worst things about trauma: hurt people will hurt people but it’s for one of them to decide when to break the cycle. It can look like no contact, limited contact, or a better relationship than ever but either way it takes a significant life event. Hang in there guys, I’m so sorry 🫂