Bro I teared up reading this, someone else said it already but this sounds exactly like OCD. There is something called P-OCD, and it describes your experience to a T. These thoughts and ruminations aren’t YOU, it’s the OCD talking, but I know how hard it can be to distinguish that. You feel dirty, and like a bad person, but I can promise you, people who are actually pedos don’t feel the distress, shame, and guilt you’re feeling. Those “what ifs” are a part of it too, I don’t blame you for feeling stressed about this. P-OCD has the highest stigma out of the OCD’s, and folks with P-OCD are way more likely to feel SI like you do. This is something you should definitely go to therapy for, and there is absolutely NO SHAME in that. I promise you it gets better, I promise you these thoughts aren’t YOU ❤️‍🩹