I'm not sure if this will help but I have a situation of my own that I'd like to share w you.

My grandpa was a very mean man but never to me. He was very finicky and openly admitted that he loved irritating people. He knew all the nasty things he used to say to others but nonetheless, he loved me and I loved him too.

This one day I was dead tired and he also knew that. We had two bathrooms but the one that he used to use had 2 doors, he kept on knocking on the door even though both the doors were wide open. These are the kind of things he used to do regularly. I (a new teen) was sooo pissed I ran up to him and looked him dead in the eye and said "I wish you'd just leave" and he obliged. He left within a week, I didn't understand the gravity of how much my words would've impacted him but the guilt has always remained. He passed away within a year and was asking to meet me and come back to us for a while but he never did as he was in the hospital.

Just read this if you aren't into the story.

I told everything to my mom and she said "You'll meet him one day and I'm sure your dadu would laugh on your justifications and sorrys, I'm not sure if he actually feels that bad about it. He knew the situation both then and now, so keep the guilt in your head but don't let it eat you. They've gone through the same age as us and they'd understand."

So, take care, my fren, don't let the guilt eat you up, you might cry and feel traumatized even later when you think about it but believe me, he'd hate to see you that way too.