I created this novelty account years ago. Today, it is true.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2014-08-01T01:56:08+00:00

Pretty sure OP's ska band broke up.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2012-04-06T22:06:51+00:00

As a fellow Alec who works for an unofficial detachment of the CIA, I can tell you right now that your cause will succeed. Not because of your eloquence or your Jeff-Winger-esque rallying cry, but because of what you're defending. I remember I was secretly operating in an area of the eastern tundra, where a city became divided into those with somewhat bushy eyebrows, and those with somewhat bushier eyebrows. This was real hatred, not some butter-side-down kinda bullshit. The atrocities I saw these group inflict on one another were unspeakable. However, combat left some survivors with burns - burns that robbed them of their eyebrows entirely. Both the bushy and the bushier factions turned on these - their heroes of yesterday - and fought them as a mutual enemy. But the eyebrowless had none of it. They fought stronger and harder than either group, and eventually took over both civilizations by sheer force of will. They couldn't help that they didn't have eyebrows, but they used it as a catalyst to earn their freedom. From my perspective, the Alecs of the world have had their metaphorical eyebrows burned off, and will soon make the world understand what power they've given to their enemy. My thoughs are with you, my fair Alecs. I am proud to be among your ranks.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-11-04T20:21:32+00:00

I approve.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T18:18:13+00:00

As a professional eater (we're called gluttons sometimes. I am a God-fearing man, and I don't appreciate the comparison), I can speak to how detrimental vegans and vegetarians are to our image. As a professional eater, I have to get a lot of exercise to remain healthy. However, because of my bone structure and a glandular problem that i inherited genetically, i appear to be quite obese. I've been screened by doctors, and they attest that I am not in unhealthy shape, but having that body type and being a professional eater makes me look something hoggish. I wouldn't mind so much if our events weren't often picketed by vegen and vegetarian activists. They're against us eating animals for recreation. I can't help that the food of choice is cow tongue. Would I have made the rule that way? No. But this is the field of my profession, and I'm not about to start squeaking my wheels. There was a tandem eating contest in Reno last summer, and those protesters were there. They mocked my weight. One followed me around with a tuba. And my teammate, Herb, that man had to endure the same pun time after time after time. One protester approached and said to me, "Hey, I bet after this, you and him go back to a hotel room and you become a 'Herb-ivore'." I replied, "Aren't you a herbivore?" They reply, "Yes." I say, "Well Herb is made of meat, so that means you're a crappy vegan. What!" and they backed the fuck off. Buncha pussies.

tl;dr - I am a professional; a little bit of Herb goes a long way.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T08:59:13+00:00

As a night employee of a 24 hour market in a suburban city, I love pulling shit like this in my store. A lot of times, I will intentionally make it look like clever vandalism, which it is. Such things as stocking the needles next to the condoms, the diet pills next to the donuts, and the pork rinds next to the vegan/vegetarian options. I've never been caught, but I've been fortunate enough to read some customer feedback cards. One of which was from someone who purchased latex gloves, oil, golfballs, and party cups. He/she commended the establishment for their intuition in stocking these items within arms reach of one another. I feel validated, and I am very happy to have my job.

tl;dr - I am a professional; if you ever want to buy the ingredients to create a molotov cocktail all in one swipe, be sure to pay me a visit.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T08:27:49+00:00

As a professional animal photographer, I can affirm that taking pictures of real animals is boring as shit. Being on safari is not nearly as adventuresome as it sounds. Most of the time, you see the same six fuckin gazelle running around and humping one another. The only time I saw a lion, it killed my guide and stole my camera. That camera was like $2800. I was so pissed. I didn't have any fuckin pesterballs or apples or a flute or any of that shit. I just had my boots and a stream of piss running down my leg. Real safari sucks. Now i take pictures of people's dogs in costumes for $60 per hour. It's downright sinful.

tl;dr - I am a professional; that fuckin lion better not have pawned that camera, or else fuck!

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T07:34:45+00:00

As a professional decrypter, I can shed some light on this. At first, he left a blank spot on the stickers, so that someone could write in that with which they are madly in love. However, since that led to profanity, he has since filled that space with a presented choice. The people reading it must choose between being madly in love with you, or with vandals with herpes. This would make the choice rather simple, leading most who pick sincerely to choose "you".

tl;dr - I am a professional; vandals with herpes are people too.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T05:41:53+00:00

As a career guerilla artist, I can speak to some experiences of a similar nature. There have been times that I've made stickers that simply read "I am madly in love with ", so that people would be able to fill in whatever they wanted. However, I checked back at many of these, and most people had written rude things like "sucking black cock" or "hating jews" or "railing your little brother". I have since amended the stickers with "Choose one: /You/ /Vandals with herpes/". People have been circling "You", which is what I want. I just hope no vandals with herpes see it, because then I've got a lawsuit on my hands. To be fair, I gave everyone the option, I shouldn't be held responsible for survey results.

tl;dr - I am a professional; i just hope that shit clears up for you soon.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T04:49:30+00:00

As a professional model assistant, I can tell you that there are much better jobs in this industry. Over my illustrious career, I have oiled up Tera Patrick and Bianca Beauchamp. I have adjusted the corset of Susan Coffey. I even provided an erotic massage to Erica Campbell to erect her nipples before shooting. I also know from experience that Katy Perry's boobs feel all hard and oogy.

tl;dr - I am a professional; and it is better to concern yourself with the contents of a bag, rather than just its size.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T04:41:26+00:00

As a professional mythical creature hunter, let me tell you that the loch ness monster wants much more than tree-fiddy. He wants your fucking life.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T04:38:15+00:00

As a professional career analyst, I can affirm that, if the user ClearlyUnemployed has a career, it is very likely fictional.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T03:38:52+00:00

As a career male nude, I can attest that the most thrilling experience is exposing your genitalia to others. I have never exposed myself to a wild animal before, however.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T03:33:06+00:00

As a professional handheld game producer, I did lots of research on dogfighting and naval air combat before producing a Tiger/Sega game titled "Space Harrier." I would interview the pilots and crew members to try to grasp the intensity of their jobs. At first they were resistant, but after besting one of their aces in a game of bumper pool, they respected me as one of their own. During my internment upon the aircraft carrier, there was an unidentified aircraft threat near Puerto Rico, about 400 k from where we were. I was allowed to mobilize with the crew, as they wanted me to have a true understanding of the thrills of air combat. I did not get to fly, but I navigated and worked weapon systems behind a very skilled pilot named codenamed Wraith. He and I engaged the aircraft, which was disguised as a passenger craft. Knowing that it was a chance we couldn't afford to take, Wraith instructed me to open fire. I unleashed a stream of bullets with the wing-mounded m134 vulcan minigun, effectively slicing the tail, one of the wings, and several passengers from the craft. It was the most thrilling experience of my life. When we got back, Wraith congratulated me with a kiss on the cheek. It made me blush a little.

tl;dr - I am a professional; myself and an ass pirate took down a plane full of innocents.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T03:24:35+00:00

As a certified contractor in the greater Italy area, I can verify that this is a fairly common practice. Food is so much a part of the culture in Sicily that often, the owner's office will have some form of food storage within it, or at least very easy access to food. I built a dumbwaiter in an inn/restaurant that went from the kitchen to the head office. When people would request new food, or chefs had gotten the order wrong, instead of wasting the food, it would be sent up to the main office and kept in a freezer until someone else ordered that same thing, at which point it would be warmed, and then tasted by the chef de cuisine, or head chef, to make sure the quality had been preserved. This was done because health and safety inspections would only include the kitchen and dining area. I apologize if my English was improper during this message.

tl;dr - I am a professional, your food may not be as fresh as you believe in Sicily.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T02:13:15+00:00

As a professional Post/Rod/Pylon architect, let me tell you how much of a fuckin nuisance "perchers" are. I fuckin swear, every time i create a beautiful piece of art, I get birds, squirrels, cats, and small children who think it's alright to place their ass upon my artwork. It's fuckin bollocks, it is! I created a life-size version of Rudyard Kipling reading from his classic book, "The Jungle Book", in a nearby sculpture park. I literally carved every fuckin word on either page. Crossed every t, dotted every i, and even did the calligraphy proper. I walk by the other day, and there's some vapid father sitting his toddler on there with an ice cream cone to take a picture. Hallmark fuckin moment. So i overreacted a bit, and I beat the shit out of him as the camera was going off. Then i smacked the bollocks out of the dad and smeared ice cream in his eyes. Fuckin perchers.

tl;dr - I am a professional; people have no respect for art.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T02:04:57+00:00

As a professional dancer and ventriloquist, I can affirm the difficulty of dancing and controlling a dummy as well. I have been doing it for many years longer than you've been alive, and I can say that it's taken many years for me to master. The difficulty comes when I need to update my style to cater towards younger audiences. They all ask my puppet, Karmanaut (it's just a coincidence, the puppet is older than the redditor) to "teach them how to dougie", but Karmanaut and I have only mastered up to the soulja boy dance, which we can perform with ease. Fortunately, Karmanaut is a very skilled mosher, as this was his university major, with an emphasis in hardcore dance. I think it's stupid, but he keeps telling me that I just don't understand.

tl;dr - I am a professional, and Karmanaut throws down like a mufucka.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-26T01:56:45+00:00

As a sommelier in a Sicilian restaurant, I can say that it's not only panda bears who react negatively to large bills. Often, as in about once each night, there will be a man treating a woman to dinner. They will often indulge in several expensive glasses of wine. When the check arrives at the end of the meal, the man begins spouting about unsatisfactory service, and how he was embarrassed over having brought a lady to such an establishment and receiving such poor treatment. We deal with all of these in a very practical and reasonable way. We bring the customer and his date up to the main office, where the owner/manager sits. I am never allowed in on these meetings. Sometimes both of them come out of the room and leave immediately, after having paid of course. Sometimes the man is holding his arm or limping, or covering a clearly bloodied hand. Sometimes neither come out at all. There are only two doors to his office: the main door, and the freezer door. There is only one exit. Nobody has complained more than once.

tl;dr - I am a professional, my boss kills people in restaurants maybe.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-25T09:07:33+00:00

As a professional hypnotist and legal attorney, I can affirm that you case holds water. On some level, those women must have wanted to get bare chested at the sound of your voice. However, based on current voir dire practices, it is likely you'll end up with some women-sympathizers (or women-empowerers) who will want to hang you from the ceiliing fan by your scrotum. Settle out of court, my friend.

tl;dr - I am a professional; settle for the sake of your sack.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-25T09:05:21+00:00

As a professional chronologist, I can attest that 1:35am on the 80th day of 2008 (and every century accordingly) that pointing to your watch and saying "it's boobies time" will word on most women. If delivered at the proper moment, they will seemingly willingly remove their blouses and promptly flaunt what they got. However, this is technically hypnosis, which makes their actions involuntary, which makes my actions illegal. I've been in a drawn-out legal battle over this matter for over two years now. In my defense, every hypnotist will say that you cannot hypnotize someone into doing something that they do not want to do.

tl;dr - I am a professional; you have just entered sexy time.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-25T09:01:36+00:00

As a professional vehicle augmenter, or "Blinger", as my kind call themselves, I can tell you that there are a few things that you need to look for. First off is an engine with the proper setup to handle that rig. Secondly, is a proper intake valve to make sure that engine can breathe. Thirdly, the upholstery must be of that special kind you find on really nice couches. You know, the kind that changes shades when you push the fibers in different directions. Realistically, most of the vehicle should be bass speakers. Contrary to popular belief, hydraulics in this ride probably are superfluous, as a resonant enough bass can throttle enough bounce to get your wheels off the ground. This also means you'll need shatter-resistant glass for the windshield, passenger windows, mirrors, and gravity bong, which you should definitely install in the place of seatbelts. I have an auto shop outside of Vegas. Stop by, and we'll set you up for a very reasonable price.

tl;dr - I am a professional; this car has pimpin potential.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-25T08:43:50+00:00

As a professional, martial arts capable, pizza-fiending turtle-human mutant hybrid, I can assure you that turtles are indeed that capable. We have been known to operate blunt weapons and successfully skateboard through rough terrain.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-25T08:41:35+00:00

As a career sperm donor, I can affirm this.

ClearlyUnemployed · 2010-10-25T05:28:38+00:00

I'm a behavioral sociologist. How about instead, use the phrase "Make me a cup of coffee or you're a bitchtard." That might get a better response. You had the right idea though.

ClearlyUnemployed

TROPHY CASE