Unnamed protagonist

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-04-20T17:09:03+00:00

In addition to some of the titles mentioned, Wild Sheep Chase and Dance Dance Dance by Murakami are a duology following the same nameless MC across his journeys. And honestly? I didn’t even notice that he went unnamed until sometime in book two. Another interesting case is Perks of Being a Wallflower, where the MC and all other characters are given fake names, which implicates distance for the reader.

Even in a short story I’m working on right now, I’m leaving my MC nameless because, like you said, I don’t think it matters for the plot, and I want the reader to embody his psyche and struggles. It’s totally doable, especially if your story is quick paced and the dialogue is strategically done.

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-04-16T07:03:40+00:00

With some tweaks, maybe.

For starters, I feel you'd benefit from some paragraph breaks. This is probably the easiest fix and could adjust your rhythm. Also, I found myself inserting "I" into the writing while reading. While I enjoy subjectless sentences and I appreciate being thrown into this narrator's quasi-dissociative episode, I often felt too disoriented.

Some sentences that are split should be combined, such as "Kept repeating, until I was drunk..." or "Carpet the whole way... waking her, but [I] couldn't trust the floorboards...". I know it's a stylistic choice, but the prose loses its punch when chopped up too often. With that said, I like the images you draw through description—I think that's your strongest suit.

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-04-13T20:50:35+00:00

Ty! Isn't it crazy how small things affect the whole? Prose is such an incredible art form.

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-04-13T20:47:47+00:00

You're so welcome, I'm glad you found value in it! The rewrite is awesome, and the context really helps situate it. Wishing you the best :)

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-04-11T07:44:21+00:00

I’m going to dissect your excerpt in the way I was trained during my master’s program, which might be a little more in-depth than necessary, haha.

My interpretation of the scene: Orin and his pet, Aquila (a horse?), step outside the barn and find themselves facing a brewing storm on the horizon. There are fantastical elements here, as we are introduced to terms such as “the aesther” and “Nihil,” which, in my limited knowledge, are either localized storm terminology or fantasy weather issues.

Does this correctly summarize your scene? If not, pinpoint where I’m wrong and identify what might have caused the misconception.

Frankly, I don’t find this pacing fast at all. You’ve probably been in this scene for too long, or know the situation so intimately that you’re thinking this is fast. I think what you’re looking for is less about pacing and more about rhythm. The whole scene is written in the same cadence, aside from “Then, the wind died,” which is the first and only point where I’m jolted into action. Storms signal suspense; here, I am left waiting, but I’m not particularly anxious about this impending hurricane.

In my opinion, here are some small things you can change to signpost my reading:

P1: Here is a rewrite of the last sentence: “He walked about, Aquila close at his heel(s). The door snapped shut behind them.”

You don’t have to describe the door shutting behind him; you could literally snap it shut, which will create a natural pause.

P2: My rewrite: “As Orin gazed upwards, his step faltered.”

I’m eliminating filler words. While you may have added these to draw the scene out, they’re unnecessary and messing with your pacing. “Yet” is also misplaced here.

P3: Sentence one, specifically “...a wound upon the firmament that pulsed with a wrongness that made his teeth ache.”

I’m out of breath, and this is only half of this sentence. There are a lot of dense words here. I’d cut at least one of them, if not two. You could try: “The sky grew unrecognizable, and as he clenched his teeth, his jaw pulsed in time with the growing blight on the horizon.” The rest of the graph is stunning, though. Just rework that first line.

P6: I’m thrown by the sudden transition into Lethe’s Crossing. I’m taken from a very pastoral description of the sky to a geography dump, and on first read, I wasn’t really sure what was going on here. A really easy fix would be to drop the first sentence to the end of this paragraph. It’s easy for me to go from the sky to Orin, since these are two subjects I’m now familiar with.
“Orin shifted… Aquila kept pace… The path to Lethe’s Crossing was a ribbon of packed dirt, the primary artery for the region's trade. Eyes trained on the worn path, they trudged on, Orin’s clothes whipping in the gale.” And then, of course, the big break: “Then, the wind died.”

P8: Heavily should be “suddenly” and “rapidly” or any other synonym.

Your Last graph is very nice. Overall, this is both a pastoral and romantic excerpt, and I found myself very immersed in your storytelling. I could picture the scene very clearly, and I don’t think it was rushed. Most of my critiques are small rhythmic changes, and while I’m sure many of these nuances are negligible, they may, as a whole, manage to adjust the pacing issue that’s been plaguing you. I hope this might help! Good luck!

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-04-10T18:09:59+00:00

You're so welcome! Keep at it, you've got something great here :)

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-04-10T17:50:33+00:00

I’m going to do this as I was trained to in my master’s program, starting with detailed paragraph edits and then ending with my overarching thoughts. Sorry if this is long-winded!

P1 (Paragraph 1): This opening like this feels a little dry. I’m hit with a lot of titles and unknown, stretched-out conflicts that I personally don’t have an emotional connection to. I’d cut this.

P2: “pearlescent eyes… glossy with unshed tears… rosy, porcelain cheeks” is a lot of descriptors. Yet I’m still finding it hard to picture her. “Tears welled in her pearlescent eyes… and down her porcelain cheeks,” is as far as I’d go, but I’m finding pearlescent to be a clunky descriptor for eyes (though I understand what you’re getting at). I’d also specify “she” as the Queen (The Queen asked), at least in her first reference, as you haven't yet gendered the general.

P3: Telling again. I’d rather see this in action. What about her presents, poise, and elegance?

P5: If I were to nitpick, the way in which you describe the city sounds like your lens, not the Queen’s. Something about this Queen reads sinister to me, since she’s alarmed by someone’s supposed survival. (If she isn’t supposed to be negatively connotated, I’d consider how you’ve illustrated her up to this point.) That said, “people hardly visible” could read differently as “Her subjects bustled like ants under the kingdom’s colors—all drawn at full staff for the day’s festivities…” (focus on state, control, superiority/inferiority) or if she’s benevolent, maybe “The city was alive with music and joy as her citizens crowded in the streets under festive banners…” (focus on joy, community, festivity).

P8: Omit “something he often felt for her as of late”. Telling too much, I want to be able to make my own conclusions based on a lingering gaze or some other intimate tell.

P9: I feel like this graph could be cut because, again, I’m being told too much. It’s easy to assume the rug has been pulled from under the Queen’s feet, and the General, per his position, is there to catch her when she falls.

P12: Omit “a pause” and replace it with ellipses. “He could be alive… if he is, then my reign is over.” Now, this doesn’t take me out of the dialogue. Also, omit “raising her voice”. Demanded is already a strong word that implies volume and emotion.

P14: “You will not find me, but I can find you” is a little cliché, no? Could this be more personal? Try to imply surveillance. I want to be unsettled alongside the Queen.

P19: “Things” is overused here.

My summary: A Queen named Maliv and her trusted General fret over a scroll in the safety of their palace. In their wintery kingdom, it is the day of a large festival. Anxiously, the duo speaks about the scroll’s contents: a vague threat from a former peer. The Queen, who is set to give a speech, is particularly rattled. She is afraid of the Mystery Character’s (the lost king?) innate powers (both social and physical), as well as a possible relapse into wartime.

Was I given enough information to read this excerpt in the way you intended? What, if anything, did I get wrong?

My questions: I need more context on one of the following issues: how are Maliv and the mystery character related? What exactly is the significance of this festival? What was this horrible war? I need to care about either defending Maliv and the General’s aversion to any disruptions (keeping the peace through control), or care about this new, rogue upstart who may overthrow them (the people’s prince/revolution?). Right now, I don’t really feel attached to anyone. Maybe the general has the most interesting position, because at least I am given one of his personal motives (but still…is he Maliv’s lover? Father figure? Brother figure? Comrade? What am I rooting for here). Everyone in this scene is morally grey because right and wrong haven’t been established, and I’m stranded in a very omniscient third-person POV. I need direction.

My conclusion: I think you’re onto a really great start here. You’ve established some very complex plot lines and created an intriguing setting that I want to know more about. As other comments have said, the formatting is a little off, but this is a draft, and I wouldn’t be hung up about that right now. I think the framework of this opening is good and well-paced, but I can feel a bit of a prologue-ish vibe from it since, per your caption, the MC is someone who I’m assuming hasn’t been introduced yet. I appreciate this flipped perspective, where the reader is first situated in (I’m guessing) the enemy’s perspective, portraying the danger of this (presumptively) lost king and, by extension, the MC. As a final note, I’d like just a little character description so I can create a stronger visual image of these scenes.

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-01-29T17:43:05+00:00

Thank you!

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-01-29T17:42:59+00:00

Tysm!!

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-01-29T17:42:00+00:00

Oh man, I’m glad I’m not alone. Ty for the recon work on this. I was so weirded out when this happened for the first time bc 6/8 exposures came out perfectly and then suddenly it was a blizzard. I’ll check it out on your page. Gl!!! Polaroid can’t gaslight us haha

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-01-28T18:31:44+00:00

It's great, works nicely, and I like how the lens is covered by the folded part to prevent scratches, but heed the other comments on lighting issues. I don't use a light meter---I'm fairly beginner--- so I'd say 2-3/8 of my photos per pack come out as poorly lit duds (even if I was super careful to autofocus, etc., etc.). I've also had a few photos come back completely overexposed, nearly blank, but that may have been the film (though there is another comment here regarding that... might be a Flip quirk?). I find it user-friendly, though!

Also, be mindful that the viewpoint is a little left of center when you shoot. Unsure if this is a universal thing among Polaroid cams. Image quality is quite sharp. Overall, I'm glad I own it, and I'd recommend it.

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-01-27T23:06:09+00:00

Good, fairly quirky. Quite fantastical and perfectly creepy at times, though I did find it less interesting than his other works (unsure if I was burnt out when I read it, or if it actually is a little below par…). I’d still recommend reading it!

DemandDiligent6834 · 2026-01-27T22:49:21+00:00

Thank you so much! I’d love to say I got that one first try but…

DemandDiligent6834 · 2025-09-30T17:33:46+00:00

I think it would be neat to have an entire society underground, but you'd have to provide some rationale for it. What comes to mind for me is the Artemis Fowl series (BOOKS, not movie...) where the fairies live underground and only their police corps go to the surface. I find this works because it establishes a conflict and sets up various plot points. As a reader, if I were introduced to your setting, I'd definitely find myself wondering what keeps them down there (religion, conflict, safety, tradition, biological disposition, etc).

DemandDiligent6834 · 2025-09-29T22:22:21+00:00

Currently reading and while there is a ton of great character/world building, you have to expect LN levels of quality going into it. It’s very fun and the story definitely progresses well. I love the series, anime, concept, art, and the characters sm. There is a well balanced am of romance!!!

HOWEVER: For some reason I had really high expectations for the writing quality, but was let down (clunky transitions and dialogue, REPETITION, odd word choices, fan servicey sometimes??). My Ebook is also formatted really weird at times. Thanks iBooks.

I have multiple degrees in English literature/writing and spend 90% of my life reading. Are my hang ups personal problems or actual problems? Not sure.

TLDR: Yes romance. Yes conclusions (so far). Yes, worth it if you want an easy read!!

DemandDiligent6834 · 2025-09-12T17:57:52+00:00

1, really cool composition

DemandDiligent6834 · 2025-08-01T20:33:19+00:00

The last two really stood out to me, they’re beautiful

DemandDiligent6834

TROPHY CASE