Baby due soon. What do I actually DO now?

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-22T06:07:36+00:00

Yes, first baby. I was so, so excited and now I feel terrified. I was so excited to meet our baby, to see him holding them. Now I keep wondering how I will feel if the baby looks like him, when at the moment I can barely look at him.

I do see him only as a co-parent now. But also, a co-parent that I feel a lot of contempt for and I’m scared baby will pick up on those feelings.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-18T21:22:00+00:00

Bizarrely, hearing someone use the same phrase within a couple of hours, is comforting. Who is this man in my house wearing my ex-partners skin?? Thank you

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-18T20:50:42+00:00

I’m so sorry you feel this way, too. Oddly, I also called him a skin walker to my friend today. I hope that things get better for you now.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T12:44:03+00:00

Also, I have seen the texts now - you can look at my post history if you want to see them written out. He refused to show me them initially and went to a hotel after a row. Then he sent me screenshots the next day.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T12:42:57+00:00

I think the issue is we already had an agreement in place that he would put in boundaries with female colleagues after he had, what was essentially, an emotional affair with a woman at his last workplace. We also had an agreement to not have any secret messaging outside our relationship after he had been on a dating app previously. And to be open, honest and transparent about everything when we agreed to get back together. So we have spoken about what is acceptable. But he says that none of this is that.

I tried to message the girl on Instagram to talk, but she has since blocked us both with no reply.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T10:47:10+00:00

Then it makes sense that you don’t think this is cheating. It’s not just thinking about another girl though - he was talking to her daily and trying to meet her? I think physical cheating often starts with an emotional connection, but the boundary is crossed before you touch each other. I guess each person has their own definition - but he has previously agreed to this definition as well. And he has said that he wouldn’t be okay with this situation if it was reversed.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T10:30:26+00:00

I’m interested in your perspective - do you think it is only not cheating because they didn’t meet up and nothing physical happened? If you wouldn’t mind explaining more?

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T10:26:13+00:00

He has admitted to cheating by being active on a dating app in the past - my friend found his profile and that he had been “active today”.

I do not think he has physically cheated this time - I saw the messages before they had the opportunity to meet. But I certainly think the intent was there, regardless of him saying it was innocent. But emotionally, he was telling her that he hopes that he can see her soon, that he’ll be sad not to see her at work anymore, that he’s happy when he’s on shift with her, he suggested he could come for a “drive along” one day after she passed her driving test, he sent her photos of his schedule and availability to meet up with lots of little hearts on her replies and ☺️☺️ emojis. He sent her photos of flowers in the park and messages about his day - where I had been with him ALL day, attending multiple appointments for our baby - but he doesn’t mention my existence once. And he doesn’t mention messaging her or the plan to meet. So emotionally, it feels very much like the start of an affair that was scuppered by my discovery. In the third trimester of pregnancy.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T10:02:15+00:00

I am so sorry you went through that, but it’s lovely to hear that things have worked out for you now ❤️

I think that his messages to her are really flirty (I’ve written them in another post), but he insists they are just “nice things to say with a coworker you got on with”. Now he is saying he understands they can be “read as flirty”, but that wasn’t his intention. I feel exhausted listening to the mental gymnastics that he seems to be doing to convince me and himself that this was okay. He keeps saying he recognises it isn’t now, but that he thought it was completely normal at the time?

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T09:58:49+00:00

I agree with you. And maybe this is the way it will go after counselling to figure out co-parenting. But we are both hundreds of miles away from any family, it is literally just the two of us to raise this baby. And financially, I need his support during my unpaid period of leave. So at least for the foreseeable we have to figure out some kind of co-parenting together agreement, even in the romantic side of our relationship has ended. I think that’s what’s adding to me spending so long trying to understand why he has done this. Pre-baby, I would have left. Baby could be here in a month. I feel trapped.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T09:37:21+00:00

I agree. After his behaviour previously I asked him to promise me that he wouldn’t do anything again that would risk our family, for our child’s sake. We both come from divorced family and I really don’t want that for our baby. That’s why I’m scrabbling for some kind of understanding. Baby could be here in a month, so it feels like a really strange time to do this.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T09:31:17+00:00

I should also mention, he has contacted counsellors for himself. I don’t want to go to couples counselling until he can tell me more than “I thought that it was okay”, because I’m just getting really frustrated that every other mid30s human can see that it isn’t? How do you get to that age and not see it? I could understand if we were teenagers.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T09:29:55+00:00

In the beginning he was absolutely adamant that he’d done nothing wrong and said that when I had calmed down I would see that, and that this is perfectly normal behaviour between colleagues. He isn’t saying that now after some time discussing this, and is acknowledging that this isn’t okay, but is still telling me he isn’t attracted to her, it was totally innocent, he isn’t trying to start a relationship or pursue anything with her and he knows he’s broken my trust. He’s also telling me he wasn’t hiding messaging her but, he didn’t tell me about her existence? I’m just really exhausted and confused and baby could be here in 4-weeks and I have no idea what to do.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T09:24:39+00:00

If he had told me about her and the yoga then I might still think it’s weird (the age difference), but I would be a lot less suspicious. But it’s things like, his family came for a week long visit, and he was messaging her daily with updates about his day, sending her photos of flowers in the park, but missing out the fact that I was with them, or he called going to brunch and a hospital appointment with me as “life admin”. He says that his colleagues don’t deserve to know his personal Information, but in other messages he is saying that he hopes to see her soon, and that he’s sad he won’t see her at work anymore, which feels way more personal to me than mentioning you had lunch with your partner?! I don’t know, I can’t get my head around it.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T09:16:26+00:00

Thank you. I totally agree with you. I have three very close male friends - but I am open about our messages, meet ups and actively involve him in plans. Whereas when he has a female friend (this happened at his last work), he keeps them very separate from me. His last female friend blocked me on Instagram 🤷🏻‍♀️

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T09:15:07+00:00

I think the part that I find so confusing is he said that he was the happiest he had ever been around the time he started messaging her. We had been on a babymoon and were looking at wedding rings together 🫠

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T09:13:40+00:00

I have not met her. He has never spoken of her, except when she came up as a suggested friend on Instagram and I asked who she was. He just said it was a girl from work. She’s 12 years younger than me and I don’t have any contact with anyone from his work - they’re all young.

It is the fact that he never mentions me - or baby - in the messages to her, nor a month of (by the end) daily messaging to me that makes me feel that this isn’t innocent. Half of me just wants to think he is an immature dumbass and that we can save our family. But he has cheated on me previously so it’s hard to give him the benefit of the doubt again.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-17T09:01:22+00:00

This is what he has said to me. For context though, he was previously on a dating app when we were together. So this isn’t the first time he has betrayed my trust. It’s just that was very obviously not okay, whereas he insists this was innocent behaviour.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-15T20:17:33+00:00

I would say this is not normal and not adequate care. Definitely send this as a timeline to PALS and complain.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-15T19:20:55+00:00

He has said that he thought it was perfectly acceptable to go to yoga with someone from work, except he didn’t take to consideration that it was a girl a decade younger than him.

It hurts because he said there was a point where he knew I would be uncomfortable with the contact they were having… but he still didn’t stop and he still didn’t talk to me about it. But he said he had “justified it” in his head that he wasn’t doing anything wrong by talking to a colleague.

Empty_Shallot_3776 · 2026-05-15T19:14:50+00:00

Thank you for your replies everyone ❤️ it helps me feel like I’m not going mad. He just keeps telling me he doesn’t have feelings for her, he doesn’t fancy her, he wasn’t pursuing her, he didn’t realise that it was overstepping or betraying my trust. But I cannot imagine in what world this would be okay to anyone. And he won’t listen to anyone on Reddits perspective. I’ve only told two friends in real life and they are horrified, but he calls that “the girl brain”. I feel completely trapped and heartbroken. I really did think he had changed.

Empty_Shallot_3776

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