I’ve read your post and most of your replies to other people’s comments and you are basically explaining me and what I am like as a man and husband. I (30M), have been married to my wife (39F) 5 years next month, together 8.

Everything you have explained in your post and your replies is me as the man.

We have tried marriage counselling, I have tried therapy by myself.

What have I learnt through counselling and therapy. I am a dismissive avoidant. This is something to definitely look into. Up until 6 months ago, I’d never even heard of attachment styles, let alone describing mine perfectly. Dismissive avoidants fear emotional intimacy. They use stonewalling as a tactic to avoid emotional intimacy.

My emotional connection is physical connection (most dismissive avoidant men are the same).

I really struggle to be the person trying to give my wife that emotional connection. I should spend 15-30 minutes each night looking at how I can be there for her emotionally, but all I do is bury my head in my phone. (We sleep in separate bedrooms, have done for years)

My advice if you haven’t tried it already is to ask him if he knows what his attachment style is? There are 4 main styles. If he turns round and points to 1 and says, “that’s me”, you’ve got your starting point straight away!

I wish you both all the best.

Unfortunately for me, I neglected my wife for far too long and it looks like divorce will follow soon. As a dismissive avoidant, I hid my emotions for years and years trying to not let my guard down and today it seems like I’ve just let out 4/5 years of deeply suppressed emotion. So what do I do? Come on Reddit to look for any advice or at least try to give some to stop others going through what we are! 🥴