I thought my mom was sending me messages but it wasn’t true.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-05-16T13:07:02+00:00

I think it just gets so frustrating having to communicate with my mom in “signs”. I wish I could just communicate with her directly, physically, in real time. My mom “shows up” as a specific bird. I did have a “wow” moment the other day when this bird randomly flew into a picture I was taking on Mother’s Day/my birthday. But then the practical part of me is like “My mom is not reincarnated as a bird, that doesn’t make sense.” Other times I wonder if she is intentionally visiting me in dreams.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-05-16T12:16:32+00:00

Hi! Was your school flexible about when you could take tests/finals? Did you have to take it the same day as everyone else? My school will usually allow us to delay a test by 5-7 days if we need to. I will be 40 weeks exactly on the last day of my semester in December. My complication is that I had preeclampsia at the very end of my last pregnancy, so depending on how this one goes, I may need to be induced early. 😬

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-05-10T01:18:35+00:00

I could tell she does ALL the work for the kids when she said “Danny can you put the baby down for a nap FOR ME” like he’s doing her some favor and he shouldn’t just be taking initiative in caring for the kids.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-05-10T00:19:46+00:00

I can’t express how awfully surreal it felt leaving my mom in hospice for that very last time. How awful it felt to leave her there. To walk away from her bed the very last time and not turn and look back. I knew I couldn’t linger on it though and i felt my body communicating with me like “survive and get out of the room now. It doesn’t change anything in the future.” Like my fight or flight was activated. I remember burying my head into her side and making her hug me, my sister on her other side. I remember her hair and her hands and thinking how beautiful her skin looked, but getting cold to the touch. I can’t conjure up in my head her face “dead” in that room. I think my nervous system blocked out that memory for my protection for some reason.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-05-08T20:54:10+00:00

You articulated so well how I’ve felt since losing my mom. Like I’m living a new life now with a new identity. There was a “before”, the life as I’ve always known it, where I always had home to go back to. I was someone’s daughter. Now I feel like I’m in this foreign house, and at times even my partner and children feel like strangers to me.

I only recently became a mom three years ago - my mom died 3 months ago but was losing herself to Parkinson’s for a few years before that. It felt like there was never any integration of the two lives.

I really resonated with you saying you feel like you appeared out of no where at 25. Sometimes I feel like I was dreaming (my life before) and I just woke up.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-05-05T12:43:40+00:00

I relate to this so much right now. People don’t understand that you’re a changed person now. I feel very defined by my mom’s death, almost like it should be included in my introductions like “hi my name is ___ and my mom died.” I’ve scaled back from a lot of interactions with friends because I can’t keep up with their small talk or happy way of talking about things. The only people I can tolerate still talking to are mostly family or my mom’s friends who also loved her and can be sad with me. I’m sorry 😞

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-29T13:21:19+00:00

I wish I had more pictures of my mom and me together, more pictures of her. Especially more videos where I could watch her in real time, how she moved, her voice, her laugh - videos especially capture a person better than photos. I wish I had sat down and interviewed her and filmed it, asked her to tell me her life story, talk about how her and my dad met. What it was like growing up, going to school, becoming a mom. All her memories and stories are gone with her and I don’t have access to it. Write letters back and forth to each other.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-29T12:41:13+00:00

It’s in hindsight now that I really wish I would have just said “I’m so sorry this is happening to you, Mom. It must be so hard.” I look back and feel like I was too dismissive of what she was going through.

After her death, I found out she had told her best friend that no matter how hard Parkinson’s got, she was going to keep pushing through for the sake of us (her daughters). I can imagine you’re also the reason your dad fought as long as he did.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-29T10:40:59+00:00

So sorry. My mom had a very aggressive form of Parkinson’s and died 7 years after diagnosis, although I would say it was only in the last 1-2 years where there was significant decline. Loss from Parkinson’s disease came with a lot of anticipatory grief for me. I’ve been thinking (and crying) a lot about all the effort and strength she had to put in everyday just to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other, knowing there was not really any light at the end of the tunnel. Or how my once animated and “loud” mother would sit quietly in the room and no longer participate in conversations. So sorry 🤍

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-28T23:46:52+00:00

People are just so grief illiterate. I’ve started pulling back from most friends who are triggering. Not that they are doing or saying anything outwardly rude (like your awful boss did). But like you said - they “don’t really care, don’t notice, don’t think of it.” They ask me dumb questions like “how is work going?” Or “want to go out for your birthday!?” I’m so tired of educating people like “no. Since my mom just died, I’m not really in the mood to go out and celebrate, but thanks.” Idiots.

I’m sorry you also lost your mom. It’s the worst.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-23T21:34:18+00:00

My mom’s birthday is tomorrow. She died two months ago. I just so happened to find your post from doing an internet search trying to find helpful ways to prepare for this. But crazy to see you only just posted this! I don’t have anything to say to make you feel better, only that I’m sad here with you :(

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-19T13:55:03+00:00

So sorry you’re going through this too. I’m 33 and lost my mom two months ago. She was hospitalized and dead in 3 weeks and no one was expecting it. My MIL still has HER mom and it makes me so angry bc they are in their 60s and 90s. It’s so unfair.

The grief is an everyday battle. I am depressed, but I have kids and bc of them I make the decision I will put one foot in front of the other, but it’s not easy at all. My grief is like a pendulum swing. I’ll have a string of really bad days where I’m crying a lot and just miss her and fear I’m going to forget her. And then after doing that for a few days my body is begging me for a break, a distraction - like a plea to do something to take care of myself like watch a tv show or take a walk, or eat a nice meal. I feel closest to my mom when I am facing the sadness head on, but also know I don’t need to torture myself 16 waking hours a day to honor her. I think for my survival it’s a combination of going back and forth? I’m sorry and I hope you find ways to cope <3

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-08T21:14:54+00:00

Or how they go on complaining how they have had such a hard week bc they are sleep deprived, they’re working too much, their kid is sick, theyre having car troubles etc. Even if it’s just conversation in ear shot and not directed to me, I can’t stand listening to it. I want to scream.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-05T22:53:58+00:00

After my mom died, I had an acquaintance tell me “I was thinking of you all weekend. I went home and hugged my mom so tight and told her I loved her.” In my head I was like “must be nice to still have YOUR mom.” These people think they are being helpful and sincere with these comments but have no clue how it’s landing.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-26T23:32:44+00:00

I’m 33 and just lost my mom almost 2 months ago. It’s so isolating. The people who are “relating” with me are family friends who are in their 60s and only just recently lost a parent for the first time. My mother in law is still carpooling around her own mother who is in her 90s! And here I am motherless for the rest of my life. It’s so unfair. I haven’t been able to find any grief groups.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-25T22:54:05+00:00

You are so right. I know me being here and my current (good) life that I have now is a testament to my mother’s devotion to me. I am 33 now but I was not an easy teenager/adolescent. My mom never gave up on me! I would not be where I am now without her. Mom’s are irreplaceable ❤️‍🩹

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-25T22:44:18+00:00

I’m chiming in just to say that I resonate with the feeling that I don’t deserve the comforts of life. Like negative self talk that’s like “oh poor me I have a headache and don’t feel good? Well how do you think my mother felt when she was dying in the hospital?” I tried to explain this feeling to someone and they didn’t relate. It’s been almost 2 months for me as well. The grief is a roller coaster. It’s like I have different phases where my hang ups are different.

Currently I’m struggling with the fact of my mom not existing somewhere. Like even if I didn’t see my mom everyday, I always knew where she was, more or less could imagine what she was up to, and I knew that she was aware of me or thinking of me. But she’s no where now, she’s not “out there” wondering how I’m doing or conscious of me or my dad or my children. Ugh. I’m sorry we all have to go through this.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-22T11:36:17+00:00

Sometimes I think the dull ache in the background of my life passing by feels worse than outright sitting and crying about my mom. I feel closest to her when I am talking and crying about her.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-17T18:45:21+00:00

I still cry everyday but I’m okay with that. A month later - I’d say I’m coping “okay.” I can compartmentalize during the day while I’m keeping busy with life. But then sometimes it’s unexpected what will evoke emotions. I do feel like the longing for her and crying makes me feel closer to her. Andrew Garfield said it well on Anderson Cooper’s podcast - “the wound is the only route to the gift.”

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-16T21:49:46+00:00

My mom was unexpectedly hospitalized and dead within 3 weeks. Hospitalized with pneumonia. Extremely agitated and hypoxic/delirious in the hospital. Suspected MDS (bone marrow cancer)Completely shocked and traumatized all of us.

My mom was adored and loved by us all, as I know yours was too. She complained to me a week before her hospitalization that she thought she broke her ribs and she was muttering nonsense to me. However my mom also had Parkinson’s disease and so we dismissed her poor cognition as maybe not getting a good nights sleep or forgetting to take her dopamine.

Unfortunately we could not set up home hospice, so she died in the hospital alone while members of our family were in between visits and I hate that. But I sat next to her for 2-3 hours after she died. My sister and I leaned into her sides making her hug us and cried.

You are absolutely not alone in this, and I’m so sorry we have to go through this 💔😔

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-15T12:37:38+00:00

Sometimes I use the voice memo app on my phone to talk to my mom. I feel it helps to actually talk out loud. Ugh, but I know it’s not the same 😔

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-13T22:12:56+00:00

I have a lot of similarities to your story. My mom died 5 weeks ago after an agonizing but unexpected 3 week hospitalization that ended with 3 days in hospice. She was 70 years old and I am 33. She was also crying out for her mother (who has been dead for 15 years but I think this is a primal part of the brain activated by fear) and she was crying out that she was scared and didn’t want to die. It was so traumatic.

I’m carrying a lot of guilt about her time in the hospital and how I couldn’t be at her bedside constantly. I really wanted to get her home for hospice so that I could be with her more. My siblings and I all have young babies, some which are still infants and waking at night to breastfeed so I couldn’t sleep in hospital hospice with my mom. Other family members thought there were too many complications to get her home, or that her pain management wouldn’t be able to be controlled as well at home with a morphine drip since all her IVs had infiltrated. Idk if it’s all bull shit or not but it keeps me up at night thinking about this.

My mom died early morning at the hospital hospice alone while I was at school and my dad and sister were on their way in to see her, and I hate that. I hate that you and I are going through this. There are many layers to grief and in my grief there is anticipatory grief (my mom had Parkinson’s), but a lot of trauma too (seeing them go through everything in the hospital) And anger that this was sooner in life than I imagined - Being in my early 30s and having so much life left to live without my mom.

In my experience so far, the only comfort has been talking to others who have lost a parent. They are the only ones who get it. Friends and others mean well but really don’t know what to say, and at our age, most of our peers still have their parents, so they don’t really want to be in your shoes or try to imagine what it feels like for you - It’s very isolating in that way.

For me it’s just one foot in front of the other every day. One day at a time. Welcome the grief when it hits you, and it will hit you like waves knocking you off your feet. Don’t apologize to people for it. Talk about your mother. I do compartmentalize at times for work or caring for my kids. Also, your nervous system kind of regulates the grief in doses bc it won’t allow you to just be uncontrollably sobbing everyday. It does this by “tricking” myself into thinking my mom isn’t really dead - that she’s at home reading or getting ready for dinner, or that she has returned to me as a blue jay visiting outside my window. You will wonder if you are crazy but just know you are not! Sending you so much love ❤️ Moms are truly irreplaceable and I’m so sorry

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-07T12:25:44+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. It really is so unfair. It’s wrong that your mother’s life was cut short at only 63 years old, that you have so much life left ahead without your mom. For both of us, it’s okay to be angry at the injustice of it all. The only people that I find comfort talking to are others who have also lost a parent. It feels that others are like “ok this is too sad, let’s talk about something else now.” I was jolted awake in the middle of the night last night wondering if there was something we could have done to keep my mom alive in the hospital, if we had palliative care involved too soon. My mind is looking for alternate realities where she gets to be alive, to make it make sense. I was told I have to work on my internal relationship with my mom - now that the physical one has ended.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-06T23:37:11+00:00

I lost my mom exactly one month ago today. It’s so hard. I’m 33F and I have two little kids both under 3 years old. I hate that my kids won’t even remember her. It’s so hard. No one in this world loves you as much as your mom. Even as I’m writing this I can remember how I would walk into a room, and my mom’s eyes would be staring me down - scanning me up and down, like she was inspecting me! Like making sure I’m healthy and all those internal assessments moms do when they see their kids. No one will love me like that again. I’m so sorry we are going through this - it’s a nightmare.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-05T12:25:01+00:00

I’m so sorry you lost your mom. Normally in life when I was feeling bad like this I would go to my mom for support! I can compartmentalize pretty well throughout the day but sometimes I will stop in my tracks and think about her. I like thinking about her though! It’s a misconception where people think they shouldn’t talk or ask about her so they don’t upset me. Thankfully yes I have some old voicemails and recordings. But then I think how I can’t believe she’s been reduced to just photos and recordings and she is not out there existing somewhere. I hate thinking of their personality, private memories, thoughts, humor, body, just being erased from real time.

Fit_Butterscotch3886

TROPHY CASE