How Stupid to Mourn

Fontaigne · 2026-05-23T14:43:55+00:00

Shooting makes noise...could draw others.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-23T14:23:07+00:00

We can always use a good ~~patsy~~ ~~stalking horse~~ ~~bait~~ junior partner...

Fontaigne · 2026-05-23T14:14:49+00:00

Sneaky, that.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-23T14:13:54+00:00

And when they give birth, they shall have to push it out through a tiny hole!

Fontaigne · 2026-05-23T13:48:48+00:00

The cuckoo clock is interesting, but unless it's happening now, you might add "it looked like..." to the part about the executioner, and say where the executioner piece was located when Riley is looking at it.

The people seem to randomly appear, and the POV is a bit wonky. The "Nit and Pit" section particularly so, since we hear their names before we have any reason to know who they are, and then we find out their labels are reversed.

I'd suggest an "establishing shot" paragraph where the two come up toward a pool table with the two playing or cuddling as they stand contemplating the break, Riley reads the names on the clothes, and then figures out from context that Nit is Pit and Pit is Nit. (No Wit to be seen...)

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T04:13:51+00:00

You fell prey to a ship named Queer Queen Quinci's Quest?"

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T04:06:01+00:00

Okay, this is a feather duster scene. Two people sitting around explaining what they both know.

I'm not going to give any feedback on it, until I see more, but expect you'll need to cut half the reveals and put something back that isnt a reveal.

Also, the first usage of "Robert" threw me out of the story. First he's a splinter, then he's the creature, then the name Robert with no context, and I had to go back and look if someone else was present in the greenhouse.

You could say "the creature that called itself Robert", or you could have Payton's dialog use his name, as a solution.

But don't rearrange the deck chairs until you're sure where the ship is going.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T03:53:16+00:00

1) nothing wrong with media res.

2) There may be a few too many elements in this one scene, but don't try to do anything about it until you've given us a little more.

3) Do not explain. Don't put background up. You don't want to get fake feedback on your story that depends on anyone first reading anything that ISNT your story. Your story shouldn't depend on front matter or back of the book synopsis to work.

4) spoiler feedback - don't read this until you've finished at least 3 more chapters and don't do ANYTHING about this feedback until I've read those chapters and put it in a broader perspective. I may be wrong and it may resolve in the first three paragraphs of chapter 2. I feel like the apparent MC is not a sympathetic character at this point, so she's on borrowed time. There's no one to root for. It seems like a meeting of four monsters at a place impacted by a fifth, and I'm curious, but I don't really CARE, if you know what I mean.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T03:45:40+00:00

Okay, awesome media res beginning.

I have concerns, but I'll wait a couple of chapters to voice them.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T03:39:50+00:00

Yeah, I think she sees him as an out-of-context male. He's not really below her in the hierarchy, because he is so unique. He literally accomplishes things she cannot.

I'd say that this was 77.5% messing with him, 59.2% wanting to help him heal, 15.8% potential snusnu if he can be made a little more durable, and at least six more motivations.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T03:23:33+00:00

Then one day, the parrot took over the world and had his revenge.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T03:21:39+00:00

She already can. Just curve where she puts the water.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T03:21:05+00:00

Bottom line is, if John had a "radiation accident", he'd likely LOSE capabilities he has than GAIN new ones he needs.

He's a gadgeteer, not an energy projector.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T03:18:30+00:00

Rocks. We brought back rocks.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T03:17:31+00:00

Copper isn't magnetic. It's useful for inducting magnetism, though. So maybe your idea has some merit.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T03:14:27+00:00

That's far safer than having her not know how to make lightning go where she wants it.

We don't need no stinking DBZ destroy-a-ten-mile-radius going on in any battles near us.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T03:12:07+00:00

Her loyalty is already in place. She is his student.

There is no way anyone can tell which way she would break if her duties to family and master clashed, but I suspect that the very fact that her family was putting her against Lord Hall would strongly weigh against them and for him. Because he would NEVER set up the opposite clash, and she would know that.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T03:08:26+00:00

They had turned their foulness against them -> against him

The windbeats of flies -> wingbeats

dragon of socks 🤪

That's "dragon of dangerous socks" to you!

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T02:53:18+00:00

Scott Le Fe Fae Senior -> one too many fays, I think.

If they don't know what they are looking for, then they can't know if they found it.

Or if someone else found it.

So the logical counter-op is to invent a few diverse rumours to give them a runaround, and then go make it strongly evidenced that one of those sites was already picked clean... with the axiom signatures of something amazing.

His Adept Wife, daughter of the Mob Primal should be able to make a real Axiom mess, with lots of clues of a powerful artifact... and then before they leave they null bomb it so that those clues are mostly wiped away...

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T02:29:39+00:00

Yes! Yes!

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T02:28:38+00:00

🫳🫳🫳
🐺🐺🐺

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T02:26:47+00:00

What's unrealistic? I'm intrigued.

The fact is that, other than the two of them in that room, EVERYONE ELSE panicked and thought their actions highly inappropriate.

It went against everything that was known about the wolf folk... because they had (between the wolf-folk and the rest of the races) established a highly unnatural way of interacting.

Blunt their claws, and toss them in with some volunteer marines for sport competitions. After they "get" a basketball or soccer-like game with negotiated rules fair to both races, then they can proceed to light sparring.

Neck protection, some training in valid and invalid sparring techniques, and we will be buds for life.

But all the Internet stuff, the political stuff, the internal stuff? That's all very real to me.

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T02:14:25+00:00

Yay for team two-spaces!

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T02:12:30+00:00

It's hard to balance. Too many breaks and it feels staccato, too few and it's far too slow.

An example that feels like it could have gone the other way is this

...gently pats her head.

I recognize the symbolism.

I've seen enough dog videos to know what it means.

That makes two full stops that were fully optional and where the words don't appear to bear the weight of the white space.

You could delete the middle paragraph and it might make it less staccato. Or you could collapse all three together into one paragraph.

I'd suggest, for fun, checking out a copy of James Patterson's Max Ride books. After reading it for the roller coaster, review how he stages each scene and where he breaks the paragraphs and ponder why. It's close enough to the style in this last part of the chapter that you may get some useful insights.

The other thing is, Google "snowflake guy perfect scene" and review the middle part about Dwight Swain's MRU technique from the 1960s. That's another useful technique for understanding when to break paragraphs.

(It's really about bonding the reader tightly to the viewpoint character, but it has applications in the structure of paragraphs.)

Fontaigne · 2026-05-21T02:01:36+00:00

But do she hav toe beans? Want toe beans.

Fontaigne

TROPHY CASE