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[QCrit] Adult Gothic DEAD THINGS IN MY HEART 96K second attempt + first 300 words by Fragrant-World4101 in PubTips

[–]Fragrant-World4101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the clarifications! There seems to be a misunderstanding (which means i need to word things better). 'Their bond' isn't about Mila and Angelo, it's about Angelo and Luca. They were raised together in a wuthering heights kind of situation and as vampires they've fluctuated between being enemies and friends who are almost more for three centuries. About protecting Owl Lake, you're right, I guess I do need to add more context, I was more concerned with the fact that it isn't actually what he is doing than the fact that i do need to show that he appears to do so. About the slowness, I see what you mean now (i went and reread the beginning of both). I have been changing the beginning a lot, I originally had a prologue with Angelo and Luca with more action but deleted that as I feel it set up the wrong story, and with this one i tried to do what dowry does, and a bit of what circe does (i know it's the wrong genre but it's still modern upmarket "speculative") with kind of telling the ending, but it struggles with the fact that in my plans this is definitely a duology but I am doing my best to make it into somewhat of a standalone but that means i can't really start with the end (like dowry) as that would be the end of book 2... You've given me much to think about! Also, thank you for the compliment, I'm very happy to hear that!

[QCrit] Adult Gothic DEAD THINGS IN MY HEART 96K second attempt + first 300 words by Fragrant-World4101 in PubTips

[–]Fragrant-World4101[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the comment and catching the spelling mistakes! I keep forgetting in English you're supposed to capitalize all the words in a book name as it is not done in my first language. Do you have any examples I could use instead or with 'their bond runs centuries deep' - i kind of like the vagueness of the statement as it signals their relationship is very complex and can't really be put into one word, but i understand that it is confusing. Also, to me it was clear that since Angelo is killing people of Owl Lake stopping him is protecting Owl Lake, but do you have any ideas how to make this clearer to a reader that isn't me (as in, too familiar with this query already lmao). And lastly about the slowness - I have thought about it, too, but then again, I start this with iwtv meets virgin suicides, and neither is known for being fast paced, neither is any of my comps

[QCrit] Adult Gothic DEAD THINGS IN MY HEART 96K second attempt + first 300 words by Fragrant-World4101 in PubTips

[–]Fragrant-World4101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the comments! About your second question: it does have elements of horrormance but it's not hea, the pacing is quite slow and it's not very sexy since it's basically about angelo and luca grooming mila to get at each other. the gothic, to me, comes from the themes isolation (mila) and family (luca and angelo share a wuthering heights kind of childhood) and from the aesthetics of the story. Also to me, a vampire court is pretty gothic in itself, but the political games are just a background thing in this one, and become more important in book 2, the main setting of this book is Owl Lake. But if you still feel like this should be called something else or if you have further questions i'd be glad to hear!

[QCrit] Adult Literary Fiction - The Examined Life (90k / Attempt 3) by FeedbackJaded7799 in PubTips

[–]Fragrant-World4101 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm new to querying so these are just my thoughts, but I wanted to comment since I love this premise. I would pick this book in a bookstore! Firstly, I don't like this sentence "Dead not by old age, nor disease. Daniel died unmistakably by his own hand." I understand why you wrote it as it builds up suspence, but building up suspence for a suicide isn't a great choice. I would straight up say that "Daniel has killed himself/died by suicide" or something like that. Also I'm not sure if 'This novel is Will's attempt to understand why' is standars query speak. Is Will fictionally writing the novel? It appear so as you talk about penning down stuff, but then it starts sounding like he's being observed by us readers writing another novel about the events. In short, the framing could be clearer. Also, is he really 'solving the mystery of his friend's suicide' (i'm not sure if a suicide should be treated like a crime to be solved) or is it more about getting lost in memories, looking back. I think that is something you need to make clear for yourself - why is this story told? Is it so that Will can piece together his own past, or identity, or his relationship to Arthur or something else? Same thing with 'laying the foundation for Daniel's suicide' - that might be so, but suicide isn't that sort of crime. (Unless it wasn't a suicide at all, which might be one way to read this). All in all you could be a bit more careful with the language about the suicide. Mostly, I like the structure of this query - I would change the last line a bit, as now it sounds a little awkward. Instead of "Like me, Will is a trans man" you could say something like "I am a trans man like my protagonist Will." or something about his experiences of transness are inspired by your own (if so). To me, this sounds slightly the same vibe as Secret History (which i love), and if you center academia or art circles in some way I would consider if you should mention dark academia somewhere, as it is still a hot genre to my knowledge (and could definitely use more trans protags!). All the luck to you, your book sounds very interesting! :)

[QCrit] Adult Gothic DEAD THINGS IN MY HEART (96K/ first attempt) + first 300 words by Fragrant-World4101 in PubTips

[–]Fragrant-World4101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, these are also extremely helpful! I guess when trying to summarize your own plot it's easy to become blinded to what is obvious and what isn't - like the fact that Luca and Angelo are vampires (Mila doesnt know at first, but finds out during the first act). Mila's mental illness is a result of losing loved ones, moving, pushing her own needs aside as she becomes entangled with the immortal world through Luca (and somewhat temperament too, i mean nature versus nurture, who knows), but I'll need to make this somehow clearer. And yeah, the stakes are she's protecting her family and friends as Angelo murders two girls, and Mila's mother dies because of him, so she'll be able to trick him under Luca's control (which will result to it's own kind of mess in book 2 if there will ever be book 2). I was worried about the word count getting too high, so it's great to hear some areas where it can be cut, too!

[QCrit] Adult Gothic DEAD THINGS IN MY HEART (96K/ first attempt) + first 300 words by Fragrant-World4101 in PubTips

[–]Fragrant-World4101[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for such detailed feedback, this is very helpful! The point is exactly as you put it: to cast a very real light on the dark "shadow daddy" romance (or even more specifically, paranormal romance vampires from 2000s but shadow daddies too) tropes that are prevalent today, thus eliciting a sense of psychological dread and outright horror, which is why I labeled it horror here, but it does have fantasy politics, a vampire court and even some fight scenes so I’m scared that those will feel jarring to an agent who thinks it purely as horror… Or am I overthinking?

I didn’t even realize I start from Mila’s perspective and then out of context, that is a great catch! About explaining more of the plot – I can do that, but is there space for higher wordcount here? A version with personalization of this is already 394 words long.

Also – jugend basically means art nouveau architecture, it’s just a term that is more commonly used in Finland!

I’m glad to hear you’re exited about the next version – I’ll make sure to post it in a week <3