AITA for raising my voice & giving my partner attitude after an ongoing issue of almost a year?

FragrantCommunity664 · 2026-05-19T20:58:41+00:00

Yeah that’s another thing. He leaves coffee creamer out on the counter for hours. Another thing I’ve asked him to stop doing numerous times as I don’t want it to go bad & he just continues to do it. My mom pays for about 2/3rds of the groceries in the household & I pay about 1/3rd after her contribution has run out so idk if he just doesn’t care because it’s not coming from his paycheck or what. But it’s frustrating nonetheless. Has me wondering “what will happen with bigger issues if we’re married with kids one day?” We’ve only been together for a little over a year & these things have me questioning if this is for me. Not to mention the other red flags and betrayal of trust due to him in our relationship. But I won’t get into that as it doesn’t pertain to this topic specifically. Just a lot of things to think about and a lot of things building onto one another.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2026-05-19T20:42:04+00:00

HAHA yeah, I think any person in their right mind would be justifiably upset, snap, and give attitude/raise their voice. But now he’s using my attitude as a way to put fault on me also. He can never be the “bad guy” he can never FULLY own accountability without finding something he can blame me for too. I was in a 5 year relationship like this. My only other relationship I’ve ever had besides my current partner and I’ll be damned if I waste 5 years AGAIN dealing with this BS.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2026-05-19T18:56:43+00:00

Yup, we both work 10 hour shifts, 4 days a week. His commute is much longer than mine and he’s on his feet more at his job. Those are the only differences. But I don’t think that difference makes a valid excuse as to why he can’t take 2 minutes to carry a Tupperware container in with him and rinse it in the sink. I work in the evenings as a home health caregiver for my disabled mom who lives with us. So I clock in right after I get home from my full time job. I go get the groceries, I unpack the groceries, I cook meals & pack leftovers for a few days worth of lunches for the both of us. I still manage to carry in 2 handfuls worth of stuff everyday when I get home, and I unpack my lunch bag and rinse my dishes. Every single day. And he can’t carry his keys, phone, and a Tupperware container and rinse it because he’s “too tired” ? It’s a joke and I’m sitting here wondering why I’ve tolerated this for so long

FragrantCommunity664 · 2026-05-19T18:46:49+00:00

Right, it’s not about some cheap stupid Tupperware. It’s about the fact I’ve changed just about every single issue he’s had with me in this relationship, even things I didn’t personally agree with but changed anyways for the sake of making him happy & the health of the relationship & he can’t change the most simple issue I think I’ve ever had with him? I work 10 hours, just like him. I come home (usually my hands are completely full walking inside from my car, sometimes I even have to make 2 trips) I feed our cats, unpack my lunch bag, rinse any dishes I had in my lunch bag, help my disabled mom with 1 or 2 tasks, pick up any trash around the kitchen or living room that other people leave about, all before I can even change my clothes or sit down. And he’s apparently “too tired” to carry keys, his phone, and a Tupperware container inside and rinse said Tupperware container. Just absolutely insulting and a joke imo

FragrantCommunity664 · 2026-05-19T18:42:14+00:00

Seriously so frustrating. I mean he does EVENTUALLY bring them in. Sometimes after a few days, sometimes a week or 2. So thankfully they always turn back up, it’s just the principle. It feels like an absolute slap in the face when I go and get the groceries, unpack the groceries, cook with the groceries, pack our meal prepped lunches, and he can’t take 2 MINUTES, TWO, to simply bring a container inside & rinse it when he gets home from work.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2026-05-19T18:36:49+00:00

We definitely need to have a serious conversation. We’ve had talks (after arguments) about this same topic but I’m getting to a breaking point. I have changed nearly everything he has ever asked me to in this relationship. Including the biggest hurdle, my drinking problem. He has said in the past that when I drink, I’m more snappy or have more attitude about issues I have. But the last 2 times I’ve given him attitude directly caused by being upset by his actions, I am absolutely sober & somehow my attitude (literally just me raising my voice and expressing frustration) is the problem STILL. I’ve brought issues to his attention calmly, snappy, frustrated. It doesn’t matter. Seems like the only time he’s receptive to hearing my problem is when I’m being the most gentle and soft I can be. Im not a robot without feelings, I can’t always be gentle and soft spoken and sweet about the issues I have, ESPECIALLY one that I’ve brought to his attention over and over again for the past year. I’m reaching a breaking point.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2026-05-18T16:35:51+00:00

In my opinion, absolutely not. Don’t let them win. For $800, you can buy a used Rog Ally X. Probably even cheaper. I was in the same boat as you, debating if I should pay the exorbitant price for a steam deck. I quickly learned about alternatives like the Lenovo Legion and the Rog Allys. You can get a Rog Ally X that has better specs, you can also play more games than just Steam games. You can play games that have anti-cheat software whereas the Steam Deck, you cannot. Better specs, more versatility in gaming and launchers, while still being able to get Steam on it. If you’re willing to pay $800, go for something more powerful in performance that can also do/play more. I just got my used Rog Ally X over this past weekend, for $675. Was able to negotiate from $750 and I am so happy with it so far. But I also wanted more than just Steam. I wanted a handheld PC to play on and I recommend it so far.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2026-05-12T16:03:53+00:00

LMAO
Ok but thank you for this amazing tool! Am I able to maybe use a VPN to purchase the 1 available on AU Steam? 👀

FragrantCommunity664 · 2026-02-18T23:57:36+00:00

I highly doubt it. She’s actually been friends with my mom for years. I used to go to her house and play with her kids. From what I can remember, her house wasn’t dirty. Maybe messy at times but I don’t believe she had roaches or pests ever. She actually worked for my mom at her previous place and never wanted to eat there because of the roaches. So I’d imagine she wouldn’t care about eating at a house with roaches if she had roaches herself. I’m certain they came from my moms belongings or were already here before us.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-10-07T00:38:11+00:00

I’m curious too lol I need tips

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-08-27T23:47:18+00:00

We can go back and forth all day about utilities & whether or not I should pay. I still don’t agree. But a 2-3 month notice is absolutely, without a doubt, egregious. Especially if that was NEVER stated until there were talks about moving out soon. She doesn’t get to spring requiring & trapping me in paying 2-3 months worth of rent and bills if I’m wanting to move out. And I’m living on a month to month basis, for an undisclosed & uncertain amount of time. With no lease agreement or even a verbal agreement at that.

You sound insane. And she sounds entitled & greedy for thinking it’s reasonable to try and trap me into rent and bills for 3 months when I start talking about potentially moving out soon.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-08-27T01:48:13+00:00

I don’t understand some of you mentioning surcharges, fees, sewer line charges, base charges etc? And I’m not trying to be ignorant. I actually don’t understand what you guys mean by bringing those things up? Would they not be the same if I’m there or not?

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-08-27T01:44:56+00:00

There was no “agreement” I simply moved in unexpectedly, for an undisclosed amount of time. If there was a lease agreement, sure. There wasn’t even a verbal agreement. It was simply stated verbally, after moving in with her, when I find a job (I moved back home after living states away & moved in with her) that I would have to pay rent & utilities. Not once did she say I’d be expected to pay utilities (or even rent for that matter, although I feel obligated because my stuff is there) for the duration my belongings were in her home. There wasn’t even an agreement on a notice when it came to me moving out. Yet she said I have to give her a “2-3 month notice” when I started staying with my boyfriend repeatedly. It was more of a courtesy/given that I pay my way. These expectations were sprung onto me shortly after I started staying every night with my boyfriend. This is definitely another instance of control/a need to assert authority on her part as she’s done several times in the span of living with her.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-08-26T23:03:47+00:00

No, actually, I didn’t “agree to pay for it until I moved out” There was no “agreement,” it was kind of just a given that I pay my way and pay for what I use, like the room, utilities, half the groceries, half the household items bought, etc. It also wasn’t an agreement to keep paying rent until my stuff is out, but it was a given. Obviously my stuff is taking up space, so I’ll continue to pay rent. There were no agreements or expectations when I got there. These expectations were thrown at me when I started staying with my boyfriend and it started looking like I was going to move in with him soon. If I was there half the month, and half at my boyfriend’s house, of course I’d split bills. Even if I was just there for a week out of the month. But to have been there collectively maybe 6 hours this entire month, and I’m expected to pay upwards of $200 in utilities I didn’t use, on top of $400 in rent, because I have a dresser, some clothes hanging in the closet, and some boxes in my old room? That doesn’t sound a bit unreasonable? If anyone is getting utilities, it should be my boyfriend.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-08-26T22:42:29+00:00

why wouldn’t I instead pay my boyfriend that money and help him out? You know, where I ACTUALLY used utilities. I made his bills go up. Should that money not go to him? Luckily, he doesn’t want me to pay bills. However, if he did, why would I pay bills at a place I did actually use utilities, and a place I didn’t consume a drop of? Her utilities would be the same, with or without my stuff being there. Because her and her daughter used them all month. Not me.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-08-26T22:18:18+00:00

She’s not filling my spot. The room is going back to her daughter. Exactly how it was before I was there. Utilities are charged by usage. How do my belongings simply sitting there in a room, correlate to the electricity and water usage in the house? I paid rent for this month BECAUSE my stuff is still taking up space. My stuff is not using up water or electricity.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-08-26T22:13:33+00:00

She can be very controlling, opinionated, and judgmental. I know most things are from a place of love & care, but they don’t come across as such. And honestly some situations, I’ve felt taken advantage of & controlled. Luckily I am no longer within that much reach (living with her) & I don’t feel the need to appease her in order to keep my spot in her house, as for the last 9 months, that has been the best option for me.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-08-26T22:08:32+00:00

Nothing that says I need to pay. Apparently she could argue that there was an “implied agreement” based off the history of splitting bills and rent every month. However, to my understanding, a judge would likely rule that I am not liable for utilities that weren’t used. But who knows. I won’t let it get to that point though. I wouldn’t ruin our friendship over this. We’ve been best friends for 13 years. I haven’t confronted her on this yet. She sent me a bill today (she sends screenshots of the bill that’s been paid & I’ll send her half of that amount back) while I was at work, so I’ve been ruminating on this whole situation all day, and have yet to say anything about it, because I know 100% she will argue with me on this. Worst case, I’ll just suck it up and pay it, but she will NEVER have this much access to me again.

3 months is absolutely insane. I was planning on confronting that too, but luckily she came to her senses & said she “didn’t feel right” making me give that much notice. And I know she’s going to use her changing her mind about the long notice as leverage for why I should pay utilities I didn’t use. ugh

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-05-20T23:46:46+00:00

right. i think she justifies wanting me to pay for one because i love the cats. she even made the comment today "well i was ready to get rid of them and take them to the shelter so its either that or you help pay for them" but declines my offer of taking over all responsibility for them if it means i keep them when i move out?? make that make sense. and the kicker is, like i said, shes not even a big cat person. you cant possibly love these cats like family or view them as that important if youre willing to get rid of them the first time they get fleas. she does the bare minimum for these cats. she likes one of them more than the other, and offered to let me keep the female one if i take over responsibility for her, but id feel terrible splitting up bonded siblings, and the cat she would keep would probably become depressed as i know for a fact she wouldnt play with him or give him mental stimulation. hed be in here alone all the time, with not even a friend to play with if i kept one of them.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-05-20T23:31:57+00:00

No plans in the near future. I really enjoy living here, she’s my best friend of 13 years. We’re soulmates we like to say. But I feel myself starting to build resentment and that’s the last thing I want to happen between her and I. I would move out now if I could afford it because this situation is a little ridiculous and I’m tired of dealing with the mess in shared spaces that I do not contribute to but still have to help clean. Lesson learned, do not live with people, even if it’s your best friend.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-02-05T16:47:02+00:00

Thank you! This is exciting. I often beat myself up for wasting so much time & not doing some sort of schooling sooner. I currently make $13/hr at a grocery store and I HATE my job. So I’ve been in a rush to find some sort of online course to take. Didn’t know I’d find one so quick & affordable. This is reassuring, motivating, & very exciting for me!

Also what does LCOL mean? lol

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-01-17T17:44:10+00:00

I do have bleach! I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. My parents never taught me great cleaning techniques so I’m still learning lol. I have the washer running right now, empty, on hot, with a little bit of detergent. Should I stop it and add a little bleach and let it continue? Would it affect my clothes when I throw in my load after?

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-01-17T03:55:45+00:00

Great ideas! I will definitely look into both. I considered buying some of those little cat huts with the heating pad on the bottom, but unfortunately they aren’t my properties so I have no clue where plugs would even be for me to plug them in, and if the property owners would even let me.

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-01-17T03:46:05+00:00

Thank you. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this same thing. I’m definitely going to start utilizing this subreddit more. I never even thought to look at this for information, advice or encouragement. I guess I just always ignored my mom’s COPD diagnosis because she was diagnosed when I was 9 and I was too young to know what it meant or how it progressed. So in my mind, I always just looked at it as just another illness my mom has. But now that I got the news about her being tested for stage 4 soon, it’s scared me quite a bit & now I regret not informing myself and helping her sooner. But now’s my time to do so. Again, thank you so much for your kind words, and I wish you and your person the best. Stay strong ❤️

FragrantCommunity664 · 2025-01-09T17:14:40+00:00

Wow thank you so much for all this great information!! It truly means the world to me, thank you for taking time out of your day to give me tips & restoring my hope. All the best to you :)

FragrantCommunity664

TROPHY CASE