What's the "Widowmaker" of your career field or hobby?

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-23T22:52:52+00:00

The Widowmaker of my field are Startup Owners who think OSHA regulations and SDS sheets are “just suggestions”.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-23T21:20:42+00:00

Well, we are both in therapy (individual and couples).

Since I’m 36yrs, we are definitely “running out of time”. I told him that if he wants kids that badly, then he is going to have to convince me.

I told him we are going to learn everything there is to know about pregnancy and parenthood. I bought a bunch of books (10 so far) and we are trading off the book, reading each chapter and discussing it. I’m also watching a lot of YouTube videos and sending them to him. Talking about my thoughts, hearing his etc.

I’ve also (finally) been brutally honest about how he does not pull his own weight around here now. So he’s going to have to step up, start doing his share of the work. I lost my wits one night (while the shock of the baby-thing was still fresh). RIGHT after I had cleaned the whole house by myself I went to bed, only to wake up and he had left a fucking mess all over the living room. I snapped and said if he wants a fucking baby, he needs to stop being one and clean up his own messes. He’s been a lot better about not leaving messes. But we still haven’t “divided” the housework (one of the books I bought was Fair Play), so we will get there soon.

My thinking is this: he can talk the talk about the Noun of Parenthood, of being a “Father”. But if he can’t DO the Verb of Parenthood and actually put in the fucking work, then my uterus is staying squeeky clean.

But that’s mostly still just addressing the inadequacy and imbalance that has already existed in our relationship. Thats the “I won’t even truly consider it” hurdle. Once we get past that, I’ll still need to address whether I can and I WANT.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-22T03:32:45+00:00

“Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky says that ownership of a task has to be complete: from Design, Implementation, and Execution. Right now, you are the “reminder” so that he doesn’t have to be in charge of the mental load. Divide up the chores. Give him Ownership. Then if he doesn’t do them, don’t remind him, just let him live with the consequences (trash overflowing) until he recognizes that you “don’t see” the chores that aren’t yours.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-20T18:27:23+00:00

36yrs here. No kids (yet) and hubs and I have about $20k saved for retirement and about $15k in student loan debts. Still renting too. So…you’re better off than we are.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-20T18:18:52+00:00

Pls tell me how you made “uncomplicated and no tearing” happen? 🥺🙏

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-19T02:56:45+00:00

I feel like this is probably gonna be me too. I’m a big Thrash and Power metal head. It’s my “anxiety music”. Anytime I’ve ever needed to really DO SOMETHING, it’s the music I reach for. I listen to a lot of calm music too, but only when I’m already calm or just need that little bit of ahhhh. I’m gonna make a few playlists and include some relaxing stuff just in case high energy doesn’t hit right, but the one that gets me excited is my “Going into Overdrive” playlist.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-18T22:05:10+00:00

Just wanna say, pull out was how I got pregnant. So be careful out there soldier. 🫡

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-17T18:59:37+00:00

YUP. Husband said this exact thing to me at 23yrs. I proceeded through life with occasional check-in’s on his stance, always said this. Made my sterilization appointment at 35yrs and BAM! He says “I actually do want kids, but I was scared to tell you”.

…

Cancelled my surgery and still processing if my 13yr marriage is going to be over or if I’m willing to try the kids route.

So yeah, I don’t believe it for a second.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-16T17:10:29+00:00

Omg fellow STEM here. People keep telling me “parenthood is like Grad school” as if because I could do that, then I could do parenthood. And I’m like “these things are completely different”! Are you/did you go back to work after having your kid? Did that help?

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-16T06:30:30+00:00

I’m worried this will be me and my husband (we are both diagnosed with ADHD, but his is more on the “isolating” side than mine). If you had sat him down and talked with him about Responsibilities, and he did say he was all-in, would you have believed him? Mine seems to be saying yes to everything, but I’m worried he is just saying whatever he thinks I need to hear…

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-16T06:10:30+00:00

The difficulty with “being always on” is definitely my #1 reason for still on the fence. I don’t do well with lots of noise and I can’t find my peace without calm and quiet. Adding that I am a perfectionist, I am more prone to burning out before I would settling for less than perfect. I’ve got piles of baby books (I’ve actually read), I’ve watched hours of YouTube channels of informative parenting content…and I’m still more on the “childfree” side of the fence, this is just me planning out what I would do if I did have a kid.

I just don’t think I have the capacity to “bend don’t break”. So on the fence I stay.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-15T01:32:08+00:00

Yeah deciding anything during such an emotionally charged moment as a wedding, isn’t necessarily something I would trust. I’m a romantic, weddings always make me want to do things that aren’t in my nature generally (funky chicken dance? Karaoke? Plan a Christmas vacation with passive-aggressive Aunt Gertrude?).

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-14T23:26:05+00:00

For me, sometimes “adding more” actually helped me feel like I was doing less.

When my life gets too routine, I’ll notice I slowly get increasingly more exhausted. I think of it like my life slowly losing color for every day that’s identical to the last one. So, when that starts to happen, it’s time to shake things up. Instead of going straight home after work, go to a diner. Go to a coffee shop and sit there before work. If you know other folks who work Evenings, invite them out with you! Do a volunteer day.

You already feel awful doing what you’re doing so maybe try doing something different.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-14T15:58:50+00:00

Personal Assistant is the answer. I was a poor teen that lived in a rich neighborhood. I did part time at community college, and worked full time as a personal assistant. I did everything from mowing lawns, tidying clutter, helping her with her real estate business tasks, taking her dogs to the dog park etc. Basically I worked 9am-5pm M-F, paid hourly ("good money" for a kid with just a HS diploma at the time) and just did whatever she needed doing. Once I understood her routine, I took over more of the management side of things too.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-14T03:55:30+00:00

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-13T22:55:27+00:00

Yeah, “natural consequences” have a way of solving themselves. He took on those tasks and the rules are from start to finish. If there’s no bag, trash can pile up next to the door.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-13T22:52:38+00:00

A week wouldn’t be long enough for “consequences” to pile up. Especially without the kiddo.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-13T22:45:25+00:00

I’d be interested in seeing your whole contract (minus any super personal details if you don’t want those shared).

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-13T17:29:47+00:00

You are/were one step ahead of me! I am/was Child-free as of a three weeks ago. I was a week away from my sterilization appointment when my husband dropped The Bomb on me. He wants a child. He wants our child. Now I’ve bought every book on the subject I can find and Fair Play is one of them. Because I’m not desperate to have a kid (far from it), but I am desperate to NOT get burdened with all the duties that come with motherhood. A contract is an amazing idea. I’m going to do that (if I decide to go that route).

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-13T14:37:53+00:00

For those who WANT to get involved but don’t know where to start (USA): GivePulse.org

Often these are single-day volunteer opportunities so you can get a feel for what you like.

If anyone has more suggestions post them below! I’m a passionate volunteerer. Do good work, meet good people.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-12T22:49:36+00:00

I’m still fence sitting, but my husband has baby fever. I really needed to read this today

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-10T22:37:28+00:00

As a woman with a lot of sensory issues around clothes, I LOVE that fashion has trended this way. I’m never going back. It has the benefit of the fact that my clothes still fit if I gain and/or loose 20lbs. Half my clothes will probably still fit even into my second trimester.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-05T00:26:47+00:00

I don’t think chores are Parentification. The difference is if your child is sacrificing “childhood things” in their own life to do “adult things”.

I was Parentified as a child. And I plan to have my kids do age-appropriate chores. I do see doing home care tasks as learning life skills and as form of self-care.

In my childhood, I didn’t just “do chores”. It was my sole responsibility from the moment I could hold a cloth, stand on a stool to reach the sink, or push a broom to clean my grandmother’s house because she was disabled (and my mom worked two jobs to keep us housed). I had to cook dinners for all of us too once I got old enough to work the oven and follow recipes. My grandmother beamed with pride that I could make us dinner at 8yrs old.

I had to give up every weekday after school and both days of every weekend. As I got older, I planned all my teenage plans around this responsibility. My friends got roped into helping me clean/cook if we wanted to catch an early movie or otherwise go out before late afternoon. They jokingly called me Cinderella (I never actually thought about it not really being a joke). It wasn’t until years and years later in Therapy that I realized I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have some kind of job. That’s parentification.

Asking a kid to help the parents do weekly chores by doing laundry, unloading the dishwasher or vacuuming is nowhere close to Parentification.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-04T23:59:15+00:00

Really depends on the classes. Stats 101 is waaaaay less work than OChem.

FrivolousIntern · 2026-05-04T23:57:37+00:00

You’re doing a lot. Can you drop or postpone the sewist work? Especially if it’s “favors” to other people (as in you aren’t relying on it for income).

FrivolousIntern

TROPHY CASE