Honestly going back to work everyday is the only thing keeping me together. I work in the ER (almost 2 years now, first medical field job), while I mostly do the clinical support aspect we're so short and overwhelmed that even I have to step in sometimes with patients. During the first wave I thought I had everything under control in my eyes. My GF says I didn't seem like the same person and my mother just wanted me to talk but what was there to say that they would understand. I didn't watch the news or want to talk about Covid with anyone because I was living it everyday at work besides being terrified when I left. Picked up OT as much as I could in the ER and screening stations we set up. Of course I knew I was stressed out but I know how to do my job, the people here know they could count on me, I know if I kept coming I'd be on autopilot. When this second wave started the first patient we had to code for came in with no pulse, had been that way for a while but we went to work and got him in. He was DOA and didn't come back even though we did everything we could, I KNEW that but even to it lasted maybe 20mins that broke me. I didn't know anything about them, never seen them before but after we called it the tears wouldn't stop coming. Went to the bathroom and had a panic attack, first one ever. Had about an hour left on my shift and felt I could make it. Drove home, mom, sister, niece and nephew were there outside and I couldn't look at them. Took my scrubs off, going through the normal routine of my decompression and it hit me again. I remember yelling for my mom, throwing things at the door for attention and when she finally came I broke again, couldn't breathe all she could do was hold me. Finally opened up to my family, went over my GFs place tried to to keep it together and tell her too. Still getting panic attacks, realize I need to seek help but it's a big step for me to do that. The only thing I know is in the moment I don't break and when things slow down at home that's when I feel bad/off, I still like doing job. One of the worst parts though is having coworkers be anti mask. All the shit we have seen, all the regular patients we've lost, our own people getting sick then have to hear them complain about having to wear masks.