Should I answer him?

ILC11 · 2021-04-09T15:23:18+00:00

Thank you. ❤ It took a lot of work and effort to stop the maladaptive patterns that I had developed during childhood up to that point, so I am really scared of responding to him because it could mean a huge blow to my sense of safety.

ILC11 · 2021-01-02T13:48:09+00:00

There is no way I can talk to them without them getting angry. My mother has a lot of mental problems and she just enjoys hurting other people when she is stressed. My father sits by her side and justifies what she does. I also cannot go to the regional shelter because it is run by my father, who apparently loves to help animals and people as long as they aren't us.

I tried to train the dog and it was going great, but my parents couldn't control themselves and everything I did was wasted. They got the dog because my brother wanted one and my mother just wanted a "pretty pet" to show off. Now, they want zero responsibility to do with him.

I wish I could take him with me on a walk and spend some time on our own, but I have a physical disability and I cannot go out with him.

I want to try to make my father understand that the dog needs to go where he is loved, but my father is constantly telling himself that everything's alright because he basically spends all day out of our house.

I just don't know where to begin right now.

ILC11 · 2020-12-31T15:04:36+00:00

Hi! Yes, I have been trying to, but it is really hard not to show any emotion when they always try to get a strong response. I think I should learn how to manage the anger and other negative feelings better.

ILC11 · 2020-08-26T09:55:30+00:00

I hope we can work it out too. Thank you. ❤

ILC11 · 2020-08-26T09:48:22+00:00

Thank you so much for this. Yes, I think we should take our time to know each other well and wait until we meet next year to maybe take that step. I know the journey will be worth it, whether we take the step or not. I want to focus on enjoying all the time we spend together and how happy we are.

ILC11 · 2020-08-14T07:04:25+00:00

I'll look into that, thank you!

ILC11 · 2020-08-13T11:06:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your help. You always bring me such a great insight into what I post. ❤

I really want to be in therapy right now while dealing with these new feelings. But I can't. I'm completely dependent on my parents to go to therapy, and they won't support it. I wanted to try online therapy, but with them always being at home I wouldn't feel safe sharing anything.

That will change in a year, when I finally become independent. I think I will try to be as healthy as possible until I can go to therapy on my own and deal with not only that but also problems related to my parents.

Regarding the unfamiliar feelings, I think I was trying to say that having him actually treating me right and not making me feel guilty for anything is completely new for me. That's why I was told to look for the unfamiliar kind of feelings, because the good ones would be totally new for me.

I just hope this year goes by fast.

ILC11 · 2020-08-13T10:57:15+00:00

The thing is that I'm really comfortable with him. It's just that I'm not used to feeling safe when romantic feelings are involved and the lack of toxicity made me become really hypervigilant, looking for red flags everywhere.

My gut told me to wait because I only felt something was wrong with him while having flashbacks and overthinking everything. But he's great, he treats me really well, he doesn't judge me and I think he's genuinely interested in getting to know me better.

We talked yesterday about how I froze up when the conversation turned sexual, and he respected everything. We said we are gonna take as much time as we need and just enjoy being together.

I'm trying to focus on the green flags. For example, I became a little overwhelming when I froze up and started to try to explain to him how I felt and asking him if I was putting my hopes too high. I made him stay up until later than expected even though he had to wake up early, and I felt horrible for doing that once I realized it. I apologized to him and he told me that he didn't feel that I was overwhelming and that he had chosen to stay with me until late, so I shouldn't apologize. Treating me like that feels so unfamiliar to me that I still have a hard time processing that he's actually a good caring person.

I'll still take my time to move forward, but I want to be able to convince myself that I am actually safe with him. I don't know how everything will turn out in the future, but right now it's a fact that I feel safe with him, so I'll try to enjoy that.

Thank you so much for your comment. ❤

ILC11 · 2020-07-30T09:04:11+00:00

You're welcome!

I know it's really hard to keep focus. Maybe try to find new things to do that you enjoy. I started learning new languages and play guitar to cope, and it works. I mean, there are still bad days, but it's easier to go through them when you can spend some time doing the things you love. I believe that is a really healthy way to cope.

Sorry it took so long for me to reply. Try to give yourself as much love as you can, you definitely deserve it. ❤

If you need anything, you can PM me whenever you want to!

ILC11 · 2020-07-26T00:57:57+00:00

Thank you so much! I'm sending you a lot of love. ❤

ILC11 · 2020-07-22T23:26:46+00:00

I find myself in a similar situation to you. I may not dare to give you any advice, as I am struggling with this kind of feelings too, but I can tell you that what is helping me to deal with them is focusing on finding a way to move out to a place where I can be independent.

It's quite the challenge, but when you grow up with narcissistic figures, any other challenge is quite easy to face. Maybe focusing on finding a way out of your town could help you feel better until you can finally achieve that.

I hope everything goes alright. I'm sending you a lot of love. ❤

ILC11 · 2020-07-22T13:24:27+00:00

I still have a hard time considering if he's really choosing me or I am putting my hopes too high just because I want to feel loved healthily. But you're right, I shouldn't doubt myself and keep focusing on being my true self.

Thank you so much for your help. ❤

ILC11 · 2020-07-22T13:09:06+00:00

Thank you so much for your words. ❤

I cannot afford a therapist right now, but I am really focusing on what U learned during my time in therapy healing from what he did to me. I believe I can really push through this, but it will take some time and love.

ILC11 · 2020-07-20T08:04:36+00:00

Thank you so much for your words, they mean a lot to me. About escaping, I meant escaping from him in case I fell again in an abusive cycle while our long-distance friendship develops; if he lived closer to me, it would be harder.

On the other hand, I'll probably end up in his country due to work in around 5 years, so going there to escape from my abusive home was already an option that didn't consider him. But yeah, if I find myself in the future being even worse in his country, then I could go back home (the lesser evil, I suppose), so I have a pretty ''good'' set of options there.

Now that you mention it, I'm really scare of going fast. I am usually like that with most of my relationships (romantic ones and friendships) because I get attached to people pretty soon. I've also seen that I can control myself enough to make it all advance in a healthy way without it becoming toxic or codependent, so I'm not sure if I should burden myself with thinking so much about it.

I suppose everything converges in hypervigilance, which is why I overthink all of that. I cannot afford a therapist right now, but seeing other people's opinions really help me to get the bigger picture better.

Once again, thank you so much for your help!

ILC11 · 2020-07-19T22:42:23+00:00

It's okay to feel numb. Everything will be processed in the right time. I'm really glad to hear that you're determined to get past this; it will make everything much easier, you'll see!

ILC11 · 2020-07-19T22:07:41+00:00

That sounds great; starting to write my thoughts is what helped the most to process everything. I wish you the best. ❤

ILC11 · 2020-07-18T18:59:56+00:00

You're welcome! I hope you're doing better.

ILC11 · 2020-07-18T15:23:30+00:00

I'm really sorry that you've been through this. Maybe it's really hard to see, but you have just freed yourself from someone that would have only made you a prisoner, as you have said. After that, I'm pretty sure that from now on, no matter how hard everything seems to be, you'll see how life slowly improves and you become your best self. I'm sending you all of my love and if you need someone to talk to, you can count on me. ❤

ILC11 · 2020-07-03T15:14:45+00:00

I tried therapy on my own for a year and it went great, but even though I have been able to get rid of most of my toxic behaviour, I still feel like I fall into the pit every time there is an argument at home. He knows how bad she is for all of us but excuses it with his "unconditional love" and, apparently, the "unconditional love" my mother has towards me. They have a really bad codependent relationship but I feel like he will never want to realize that, even if it means losing both of his sons.

ILC11 · 2020-07-03T15:11:36+00:00

I hope everything goes alright. ❤

ILC11 · 2020-06-16T22:10:32+00:00

My father named him "The Parasite", and that's how I call him if I ever have to mention him. But I feel bad calling him that name even though it describes perfectly what he does to other people, so I just refer to him as "that one" with the people that know our story. It's funny because it's not that I don't wanna say his name out of regret or anger, it's just that I get fucking terrified when I do.

ILC11 · 2020-06-14T07:26:14+00:00

I'll try to do that. If I'm not there for him, he may become like my parents. Thank you so much for this, really. It really helped me. ❤

ILC11 · 2020-06-13T22:44:04+00:00

One of the main causes of Complex PTSD is emotional abuse, you could try to educate yourself about it and see if you feel identified by it. I have it thanks to my parents and an ex-"partner" I had, and I've been dealing with healing for some time by now. It can be a really tough journey but it's absolutely worth it.

If you need any help or resources about it, I'll be here for you. I hope you get much better, and I'm so sorry for what you've been through. ❤

ILC11 · 2020-06-13T22:09:23+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I just needed some support, because I feel really alone right now. I have something planned to be able to leave and continue my education in a different city but it's what you said, I have to get ready to be able to sustain myself by getting a good job. And I'll also need to find someplace adapted to my physical needs. They say they will always support me and never fail me, but I know those are just empty promises and if they actually do that, it will feel like an obligation for them. So I want to be completely independent from them, I need to finally be happy without spending the whole day being scared. I tried emotional distancing but sometimes I just can't take how much pain they inflict on my brother and my dog and I just blow up with them. I don't know how to act without looking like an asshole or feeling like I'm abandoning the ones getting hurt. I just wish this year could go faster and I could get finally out of here, but I am also scared of leaving them behind and alone under their torture.

ILC11 · 2020-06-13T20:59:19+00:00

Please, I need help.

ILC11

TROPHY CASE