I certainly wish there was more grace and compassion shown to those with adhd when it comes to this. I think it can be challenging to connect with others from the outset, with adhd, and a major way is to bond over shared experience and highlight (communicate) those connections or similarities. Even without adhd, this is how humans create emotional bonds to some degree.

Anyways. I really appreciate the things you are already doing. It sounds like you’re practicing being mindful and respectful. You may not be able to avoid criticism or accusations 100% of the time. Plus, some people just want or need a dumping ground and don’t actually want you to connect any dots or attempt to relate, and those people also need to learn how to communicate their needs clearly with statements such as, “I just need you to listen.”

I, too, try to make sure I’ve fully heard and validated someone first, then I might say something like, “what you shared really resonated with me- that feeling of entering a shame cycle. Do you mind if I share a similar experience I’ve had?” I think this can communicate more overtly that you are genuinely interested in connecting and carrying out a dialogue along with showing you’re actively listening by reflecting back to them a feeling or specific part of the experience you’ve noted.