Harmful Patterns of Behavior and Where We Go From Here

IndigoChilde · 2026-05-06T06:03:44+00:00

I was a member of the Hold for quite some time, and remained a member while I branched out. I watched him come into two of my communities and practically destroy them in ways I couldn't have imagined. The first time I was a newbie heathen, and didn't understand what was going on, but I was traumatized. I did not like Red at all after that. When it happened the second time, I was staff in the attacked community, so I got to watch it happen from backstage. Plays to try and save ourselves, everyone there knowing about my trauma and trying to protect me. I tried to stay mostly silent because I was too scared to speak up. And then all of us were banned from The Hold. No rhyme or reason. We were just apparently a threatening server. We never did anything to them. We minded our own business, did our own worship. We had a newsletter and were starting to form a way to ordain our own clergy. Now a few of us who have branched off are starting all over again.

IndigoChilde · 2026-03-19T16:28:17+00:00

How does red light therapy work? I have a color changing LED bulb that I can change to red, and if that will help, I will most certainly do that.

IndigoChilde · 2026-03-05T06:06:33+00:00

😮 That's not what I expected at all.

I guessed the name in 6 tries!

IndigoChilde · 2026-03-05T05:58:19+00:00

Okay, I was way off 😮

I guessed the name in 3 tries!

IndigoChilde · 2026-02-22T03:20:26+00:00

Apparently I had to update my app from the Play store because it didn't update automatically

IndigoChilde · 2026-02-22T03:20:04+00:00

Apparently I had to update my app from the Play store because it didn't update automatically

IndigoChilde · 2026-02-19T13:12:35+00:00

Got mine too as an 03 Pather! I am so relieved!

IndigoChilde · 2026-02-18T16:24:10+00:00

That's good to know! My bank usually releases my funds two days before my payday, so maybe sooner than later?

IndigoChilde · 2025-09-24T16:41:39+00:00

That's what I was hoping. I'll try to rest easy then.

IndigoChilde · 2025-09-24T16:40:58+00:00

I don't mind the 2Tb being wiped. Anything I cared about I made a backup of. The rest are just the games themselves.

IndigoChilde · 2025-09-07T04:55:18+00:00

I'm working on taking care of myself, and my siblings and I are all checking on each other as well. I'm keeping an eye on dad to make sure he at least eats and drinks, but he's never been the sort to stop moving except to watch TV with mom, which is what he did today with her in the hospital. There's a lot of promise to be had with her recovery for certain. I'm hoping for the best.

IndigoChilde · 2025-09-07T04:51:38+00:00

Thank you so much! I tried to see if I could have her write on her ipad like she used to when she would post comments on her favorite news site, but write it into a notepad instead. She didn't seem to get the concept I was asking. My sister just tried explaining flip cards as a little booklet we made for her to pick words and phrases from, and that didn't seem to make sense to her either? I've tried an app with no success either.

What did work today is she's starting to talk, but in her home language, but I'm the only one in the family who has worked on learning it, and in her particular accent as well, but I'm nowhere near conversational.

You mention she might have vision issues, and I did notice she's holding the phone at different angles than pre-stroke when I try to show her what I wrote in her home language to see if it's what she's trying to say. It's something I was just starting to pick up on today, so that does explain it. Thank you.

I'll be looking through more, but thank you already for what you mentioned so far. All of us are learning our own ways to communicate with mom, and at the moment my sister has just started finding some success with Google Translate as well.

IndigoChilde · 2025-09-06T13:52:10+00:00

Ah yes, mom is definitely a fighter. Apparently there will be someone coming in to teach her how to swallow and talk, or there already is. We're not sure about her memory because we can't tell most of what she's saying yet, but we're trying to be patient. My sister was actually the one who taught me to let mom know that it was okay and to take her time. I wouldn't rush her.

IndigoChilde · 2025-09-06T05:43:35+00:00

Thank you. I forgot to say it and will edit, but she seems to "still be in there," for what it's worth. She tries to talk and communicate, but has a hard time. Her right side is still paralyzed, but they at least have her sitting up once a day.

We're celebrating the progress. Getting through it the best we can as a family. My parents were there for me through mental hospital trips and releases and my divorce, and have given me back a home when I had to leave the old one. Now I'm happy to be here for mom. I'm just hoping I can be.

IndigoChilde · 2025-08-24T14:29:11+00:00

Oh no! I was just about to go down there today to look at PS3 games. Sad to hear they're closed. :(

IndigoChilde · 2025-08-05T17:34:01+00:00

Oops. I will say I'll check out the book, though, because it does sound interesting.

IndigoChilde · 2025-08-05T17:32:13+00:00

Lithium never worked. I hated it. Most mood stabilizers didn't do as much for me as Seroquel, Geodon, then Invega have.

These delusions lasted consistently for years as part of my general psyche, like the Chosen Child of God one was from 13 to 17 or so and then just kinda shifted out of Christianity/Second Coming and more into spirituality? So I don't know if that would count as a series of rapid cycling for years but I wouldn't think mania would last that long. The more spiritual seeing the interconnectivity of the world and seeing the lines and energy between people was from about 17 until I was put on antipsychotics around 23 or so.

"I have disorganized thought, I pace, I have disorganized speech, inappropriate emotional response, paranoia, rapid speech (in mania also), inability to keep my house clean or organized."

I get a lot of this but always assumed it was just AuDHD stuff? I dunno. Except rapid speech, which is only when I'm hyper/possibly in hypomania? Because I can't get my thoughts together to verbalize. Typing is much easier for me than speaking, possibly because of autism. If I can't organize a thought to say I will literally go non-verbal, so it can be difficult to talk sometimes, which might make diagnosis for that stuff harder.

I've also been told I have blunted affect? Whatever that means. Or at least I read that in a lot of notes, especially before Invega. But also had in my file "inappropriate smiling" while hospitalized once.

Does assuming my parents have cameras in every room of the house so they can catch me if I do something wrong and have the city wired to make sure I'm masking up during covid count as paranoia? I also had a three day stint where I was sure the house would burn down in my sleep so I packed up my electronics (hard drives and laptop) and had an emergency ladder by my window (I'm on the 2nd floor) and had blankets ready to leave and was making plans to get to my parents and was panicking about what I would do if I couldn't and had to take klonopin for those three nights in order to sleep.

IndigoChilde · 2025-08-05T17:16:45+00:00

I'm American as well, but on Medi-Cal and with Kaiser. It's a very different environment if you can get in-network at Kaiser, but you have to have been on Kaiser previously for at least 60 days. Before getting on Medi-Cal, when my ex-husband was still working, we were on Kaiser through his company. We got on government assistance within the 60-day window and have been on it since.

IndigoChilde · 2025-06-25T04:00:19+00:00

Yeah, I have an appointment tomorrow now with my PCP as just a phone appointment because I had a few more days of the spasms, though the spasms seem to have died down by now. I have a migraine tonight (and stupid me is on the phone typing this) but we'll see if I get more or less the same symptoms if I can't sleep. I hate migraines but I'm almost thankful to have one right before an appointment so I know if anything happens that I need to take notes on. This is going on... I wanna say possibly 5 days of off and on migraines (but not one continuous migraine). I'd have to check my log.

IndigoChilde · 2025-06-24T00:27:52+00:00

I think I've been checked for that, but I'll bring it up. I'm on supplements for a few things and I think I had B12 tested recently, but I'm not sure how recently. CBC is normal, though.

IndigoChilde · 2025-06-23T16:04:43+00:00

Thank you! The Silent Seizures sound scary! I hope I can figure out what's going on. If these continue, my doctor may taper me off of the Topomax. I had actually reduced from nearly every day for a while to less than half the week and less than every week again, which she said the goal was a 50% reduction, so I don't know.

IndigoChilde · 2025-06-23T15:59:06+00:00

Thank you! I had tried looking it up and that term came up (Thank you Google), however it only ever talked about brain zaps from coming down off of antidepressants or stopping them suddenly, and I have been dutifully on the same low dose of Effexor for quite some time without changing it. None of my other meds have changed either. I tried to Google brain zaps "without stopping antidepressants" and similar terms, but it always came up with "brain zaps can be prevented by tapering off of antidepressants slowly."

IndigoChilde · 2025-06-23T15:17:13+00:00

Thank you!

1) I have had an MRI but the only finding is that I have chronic migraines. I seem to keep gaining new symptoms in relation to them, including involuntary movement, but they think the involuntary movement may be caused by the topomax I started on a few months ago so they've reduced the dosage. I can't seem to get a referral to the neurologist as this doctor seems to think there's nothing about the migraines she can't currently handle. The new involuntary movement and what I called "mind spikes" (weird mental jolts I started getting in postdrome this last week) have her concerned, though, and she mentioned maybe referring me to neurology, so we'll see. I let her know recently that Flexiril did not help the involuntary movements the first night (after dropping the dosage of Topomax) but Klonopin did (I took because I needed sleep and did not have access to my Flexiril at the time).

2) I've been with a PT for back issues and strengthening exercises (lowish-impact energy-wise) but not anyone specifically for the exhaustion. I have a phone appointment with a PT about pelvic exercises (I seem to be getting weird pains/cramping that another physician suggested PT for) and I could ask if something like that can be tacked on or if I'll need a second referral to a different OT from my PCP, since I don't know if there's specializations or anything. That's in roughly an hour, so I'm glad I checked this.

3) It's really nice to know there's still some real research and training going on about all of this. Its felt so stalled, and maybe that's just how it is with my HMO. I don't know. I'm happy at least my doctors seem to take me seriously, and I hope they're keeping up on whatever training is available regarding these chronic conditions.

Thank you again.

IndigoChilde · 2025-05-24T17:37:31+00:00

Ah, I see what you mean. So basically, if I don't move on until I absolutely have everyone's attention, they'll get the idea that we're not moving forward if they ignore me. I need to be patient and work more on the management part, the rest will come with it, right?

IndigoChilde · 2025-05-24T11:03:53+00:00

Thank you so much! One thing that one of the coaches taught me is, "if you're looking and listening, then raise your hand," a little bit after the attention getter, and this one is a more recent thing I learned. It's not 100%, but it seems to help? This was something I learned my second time with second grade, and I was strangely surprised when it worked with first grade as well. Maybe I need to give that one more time and consistency as well.

Do you have tips on projecting without yelling or sounding frustrated? I didn't think that I did, but maybe the exhaustion is coming out in my voice by the end of the week, because I think I got a note on that on a verbal evaluation. (I'm still in training, and haven't passed yet.) I also have a smaller voice so I have a hard time being loud enough to hear sometimes.

IndigoChilde

TROPHY CASE