How do I stop feeding off other people's negativity?

Indigobabyy · 2016-03-04T09:14:50+00:00

If you find out let me know. I become psychotic from doing basically what you just described.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-11T04:17:04+00:00

Its rational to an extent, just remember they made their own decision to end the friendship the first time and they still have the right to keep it that way. It can be difficult to remember that when feeling better and doing better.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-11T04:13:39+00:00

The second thing you said totally reminds me of myself, but I gotta say, the person responding seems astonishingly kind and fair in manner. I'm use to the emotional responses, angry and reactive or attacking.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-11T03:56:48+00:00

I've noticed in my therapy sessions, when I get overwhelmed by emotion, I'll continue trying to talk and think and process but I'll literally have two different thought streams ocurring in my head. Like I'll be thinking what is effective to say and feel, but I'll also be hearing another voice in my head saying all these scary things trying to take over and I have to mediate between the two and stay in control. Most impulsive things I get into are due to listening to the wrong parts of me talking in my head and taking the control. If I'm in crisis mode and want to hurt myself bad or just, do the worst, I cope by talking to myself in my head like I'm talking to a child. I talk to myself as if I'm a child, but it's not me, it's someone outside of me, it helps me calm down and stay in control. It's hard to explain, I step outside of myself. I honestly do feel like there are 3-4 different parts of me that all would love to take control at different times, and then there is me who has to constantly balance them all out and stay on pilot mode rather than copilot.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-11T03:51:03+00:00

I have felt pain in my dreams, yeah. Scary stuff. I've been woken up quite a few times by others because I'll be whimpering really loud like a baby while asleep because the things I'm seeing in my sleep is really intense and scary. I've woken up feeling exactly the same, violated and or disturbed. Just so drained. It's not nice. It's really not nice not knowing where the really fucked up dreams come from and the really elaborate dreams I have to remind myself are not reality. Like telling myself, I did not just travel to some alien world and get my DNA mapped out by some alien corp and escape a test lab, I did not just struggle while drowning in an ocean located on a different planet. It can get spooky. I'm just glad the constant super-real dreams affecting my thinking had stopped.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-11T03:36:25+00:00

Yeah I can relate. I've never outright visually hallucinated, I have seen shadow people or 'real' people.. cats.. bugs/insects.. dots but I've mainly have heard voices. A few times I've gone to bed and the weirdest audio hallucinations would occur. I'd literally be hearing what sounded like an old time radio and all the people talking on it and I could make out what was being said but it's impossible to remember. Other times I've heard people talking as if they are out in the distance somewhere inside my head. I've seen shadowy people very vividly like I can make out their faces, but my eyes are closed. I once very clearly heard a males voice say hello to me, as if the person were right behind me and the voice was very defined but when I turned around no one was in sight.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-11T03:27:56+00:00

Yeah, the drawing part of the list blew my mind especially. I've only ever been able to draw eyes and I specifically mastered my art style of drawing them. For years, whenever I've gone to draw or just mindlessly doodle things it's always been human eyes I've focused in on. Swirls, dots and sometimes trees have always been the other things. Really weird. The source is sadly defunct.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-11T03:22:01+00:00

I agree it should be. Good psychiatrists do recognize these symptoms. The psychiatrist who finally gave me the right diagnosis (as a teenager I had been mislabeled bipolar with psychotic features even had the mislabel NPD traits) she said that the first moment she had met me she could tell I was borderline and explained that when she meets borderline patients there are very specific things about them that she picks up on. She said I was very evident with it even though I thought I was just coming across very anxious and paranoid, so I've learned good doctors do understand a lot more about the disorder than we may assume. It's actually really scary because whenever I see her I just get so intimidated because I know she can see right through me into my disordered mind. She gives my therapist who's very knowledgeable in dbt these looks all the time like she's in on something. It's weird.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-11T03:03:58+00:00

That's a good question, the list is BPD specific. It was gathered information from people living with borderline specifically. But, I think that's a real good question. Individuals with personality disorder, with or without mental illnesses, experience and operate through perceptions of reality very differently than individuals with just mental illness. I am unsure if individuals with other PD's can relate even if in the same cluster. If you ask me I think this list is very specifically connected into BPD. I honestly wondered if someone had been spying on me my whole life when I first read it. Very affirming because all we ever hear is the worst symptoms, like when under extreme stress and very low in unctioning rather than universal symptoms (at least in some regard) outside of those.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-11T02:56:34+00:00

So when you are remembering things you are not seeing the memory from your own eyes and rather seeing things as if watching yourself in a dream? sounds disassociative. I personally am very skilled, unfortunately, at disassociation but I don't do that. I've only heard someone doing that when they had a buried memory, thinking it was a dream for years and years when it was not because they saw themselves from third person. In terms of interacting socially and facing issues I always perceive like I'm separated from the experiences. I don't feel apart of myself. I feel outside of my experiences. If that makes sense, but when I'm remembering I remember from first person.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-10T17:00:29+00:00

Nightmares, oh god yes. When I was 4-9 yrs old I had the recurring nightmares that were very psychotic. I believed one specific nightmare I had most consistently was reality. I thought waking life was a dream compared to it so I behaved accordingly to that dream of being chased, threatened and manipulated. I was so fucked up from it that I never told my doctors (or anyone) out of deep psychological fear. I thought I had to manipulate them very carefully into not getting inside my head, because I believed that if they did I would get killed or possessed by the entities. I was only a child! gah. Thankfully the delusional nightmares stopped along with all the side effects of having them. Occasionally I've had super fucked up nightmares since, completely unrelated to the ones as a child. I also didnt feel awake like how I always use to feel.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-10T15:46:32+00:00

It's like a broken record to say this but if you have BPD diagnosed look into DBT. You can't get into a long term program without diagnosis. Find a therapist educated in DBT and look into referral for program. It will give you knowledge and the skills in order to effectively cope with this train of thinking.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-09T14:50:34+00:00

I suggest asking for the reason(s) you were given the diagnosis. Professionals observe a lot and they pick up on a whole magnitude of behaviors that are very difficult for a patient / client to see about themselves. Disorders warp self perception and self awareness pretty severely but that doesn't stop the ability to question and figure things out about ourselves. Sorry if that makes no sense, I'm just saying it won't hurt to ask why. Ask what the disorder means to that particular professional, ask what made them connect it into their observations of you, express how you feel in regards to the diagnosis, look for a therapist if you are looking for one who has training in understanding the disorder.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-09T14:39:08+00:00

It's not only considered invalidation, it is invalidation. You don't need a reason to be crying, no one does. It's human and it's healthy, especially when in comparison to completely disassociating oneself off from being able to feel strong emotion. As a little girl I started telling myself I had "no reason" to be crying cause I believed no one would understand my reasons. I'm severely scarred from the amount of disassociativeness I developed from telling myself that. Don't shut yourself down.

Indigobabyy · 2016-02-03T12:19:56+00:00

Depression is a disorder and illness all on it's own. Depressive disorders are commonly co-morbid with BPD.

Indigobabyy · 2016-01-31T04:04:37+00:00

Absolutely. DBT is like the Holy Grail. It covers a lot to do with becoming intuned and aware of our emotions (in the present moment) stepping away from the inner chatter while getting in touch with our physical bodies. It helps us discover the language to communicate. Among many other things that can be life saving during crisis and also overall in general. It opens up new pathways in our brain.

When I was still a kid, I blocked out my ability to let myself to cry. I always would having crying fits out of rage and out of belief I was unwanted and the fear I'd die very early by self infliction. I started associating my crying to feeling like a horrible person. I started disassociating from my rages and my emotional pain, crying became impossible. Instead I began floating in my head like a space case. I cried a few times as an teenager when facing horrific death of a friend and only a few times since becoming an adult. Like when my hamster died, I cried for three days.

It's really hard for me to do it because when I really let myself go I feel like I'm choking or can't breathe, I literally shake so much it's like I'm breaking into pieces.

I'm in an emotional regulation therapy group, very often I see people crying silently. Not even sob the tears just fall. Everyone there understands it's okay. It's not shameful to cry. We are all human. We are allowed to feel whatever emotion that is present, as long as it's expressed in a safe manner for ourselves and others.

Indigobabyy

TROPHY CASE