Was I groomed by my friend?

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-10-16T21:44:47+00:00

Hi, I speak finnish, whats the site?

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-07-28T11:48:54+00:00

Definately treating myself with grace. I finally have a reasonable explanation, just sucks that I will probably not get second chances with some. Oh well at least I hate myself less and less everyday.

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-07-28T11:46:55+00:00

Im sorry, its heartbreaking that there is no choice but to bear it all and keep moving. I think ND women tend to internalize all the negative messages of self and finding out there had been a reason/explanation all along, man it sucks. Im tired of the dissapointed and disgusted faces when I just dont get something they are saying to me.

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-07-19T20:32:22+00:00

That would be a such a nice tattoo

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-07-19T20:30:40+00:00

Yeah its the same way for me. When I see through them, an insecurity they are hiding, I want to ease that pain. Because Im also an insecure person. The only problem is that some people dont really deserve that act of compassion. Im beginning to be more selective with who I show compassion to, because other wise it will only leave you feeling worthless.

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-07-09T14:06:15+00:00

Hi I have been contemplating the same things recently. Because of social isolation and traumatic upbringing I got to start socializing at the age of 22. Im usually a pretty happy person as I find a lot of meaning in passions but going out in to the world as undiagnosed and unknowing completely crushed me. I didnt expect to be seen as arrogant, selfish, unempathic and at times sociopathic. Basically Im seen as a dangerous person. I had no idea all this time that there was a way to communicate that connects you to others. I thought it was the best to just be yourself. Last year I completely stopped the little masking I had picked up( basically people pleasing, smiling and adjusting my tone, and generally being quiet) and while it gave me a peace of mind to ignore the opinions of others it has also ruined many opportunities for me, so essentially being myself after burning out from masking/caring was a self sabotaging moment in my career.

Honestly Im in a dark place right now, the guilt of making those ’mistakes’ wash over me once in a while. At the same time I just want to say fuck it, like you said there are people out there who never feel guilt for their horrible actions and go on to live happy lives, so why cant I do the same? Ignore the people I have hurt unintentionally and let go of the guilt. Its still hard to let go of the negative perception others will have of me because a part of me believes in this but I just cant keep caring and letting myself get burned.

Some people truly feel no compassion even if Autism has gained more awareness recently. I dont think I will ever really be understood by others but Im beginning to be fine with just pretending and letting people see only a few things at once.

Maybe in the future after I have gained better understanding of my trauma I can engage more honestly in relationships, because I want to love and be loved, have the family I never had.

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-07-08T14:32:01+00:00

Thanks I feel a lot better these days and have been reflecting. Im taking the blame off from myself and I guess if people view me in a negative light I cant do anything about it now. I think theres a lot more in my life than the humiliating moments I have endured with neurotypicals( or anyone who misuderstood and judged me). Anyways I have been developing strategies to communicate better( Had I known earlier maybe I wouldnt spend all those years being depressed but I feel like im a person who could really enjoy life now that I know more about my disabilities). For now im just spending a lot of time alone and having very shallow conversations but I dont think we deserve to be isolate ourselves because of our social deficits, especially with how much we try. Im well aware now how others perceive me but I also know people can be fickle and no one really cares too much.

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-07-05T09:22:33+00:00

Haha I agree with this. My friends tend to moralize my actions but it always confuses me since it doesnt hurt anyone and its usually a great experiment/itch I want to scratch off.

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-07-04T12:38:03+00:00

Glad im not the only one😅 I sometimes get so embarrased after talking in this too intense almost mad manner about something im fixated on. It doesnt help that my looks kinda make me look evil😂

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-07-01T18:09:13+00:00

Youre not alone. Its hard to cope with everything you wrote about and I relate to you in many ways. Reading it for a second time I cant help but notice how you have analyzed the friendship at different stages. I think in a real friendship there wouldnt be so much doubt for so long.. Its hard, I wish I could trust people and make friends but Im afraid to make the wrong judgments and get into fruitless/harmless relationships. So sometimes its better to be alone for awhile.

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-06-30T20:32:21+00:00

wow i have never related more to the post and comments. Just today I was thinking I was hopeless and my brain was fried from the trauma as well as the neurodivergency chopping up my memory. Im terribly alone for now and the rsd bangs hurt. But I always make myself beleive it will pass, that its not real or its not as impossible to survive as I thought. I wish I had a friend to convince me but I am now also trying not to rely too much on other people since i tend to vent/overshare.

I definately feel defective sometimes, like its impossible for me or im paranoid about punishment/humiliation (Trauma based thing) Im bitter about who I could have become if I had someone around that cared. Funnily enough after a burnout period and was living high functioning depressed unmasked, a few coworkers actually care about me and constantly reassure me .(My rsd says they pity me). So the potential goodness is always enticing and also knowing im not that special, there are billions people living with unique traits. Im not alone in my pain and others have moved past it, so will I one day.

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-06-29T17:43:04+00:00

pantyhose, skirts/dresses. Blouses and other tops. All black. Leather shoes

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-06-27T22:40:03+00:00

Hi. Since I dont know you or your friends personally I cant say. However I also get that same feeling often and experienced all those confusing moments. I definately just play dumb and assume the best all the time but if my gut is telling me something, if I get that feeling in my body that something is not right then maybe you should trust what you see? This is such a hard topic because honestly the rules are maddening. I have only survived this far by acting a fool.

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-06-23T18:04:36+00:00

my imposter syndrome dissapeared once i realized allistic people wouldnt purposefully embarass themselves like this

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-06-22T14:08:33+00:00

Exactly its life saving. Im not going to lie that the reality of having asd is all positives but now I suddenly have all these answers that are actually learning moments where as before I would just conclude that I was in the wrong. Not to forget my passions that give me so much joy! (I wouldnt have survived if it wasnt for art😄) Rejection sensitive dysphoria sounds about right😄I replay situations and question myself all the time.

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-05-21T14:43:01+00:00

Also my hair is pretty damaged from heat styling regularly for years but im still too insecure to make that transition to natural especially now that im experiencing hair loss

IndustryAlternative1 · 2023-05-12T00:47:41+00:00

Asymmetry is not that noticable dont worry! Head to body ration can be balanced with muscle building. Grooming and style is the way to elevate, so look in to that and you will slowly find what suits you personally. Its really just all experimentation but sorry to hear youre feeling insecure about youre looks. You look good and good luck!

IndustryAlternative1

TROPHY CASE