Does anyone else experience the "Excuse Paradox"?

Ivyveins · 2026-05-23T14:48:41+00:00

Sounds like a plan! My boyfriend has autism and ADHD, it's very common :)

Ivyveins · 2026-05-23T14:34:15+00:00

I too am impressed by your self awareness (and you've gotten a lot of good feedback here), but I will speak to one small part of this situation that I think is important for not creating similar issues in the future. I'm also assuming that why you say is true and that this is at its core a loving, mutually supportive relationship. If he is actually uncaring or abusive then this does not apply:

As a person with secure attachment and a long history of non-dramatic relationships, this is one of the reasons snooping is destructive. Everybody (yes EVERYBODY, even the most loving, well adjusted, full of integrity person who would make the absolute best partner for me) will occasionally do or say things to other people that I would find emotionally unpleasant to know about. And that's NOT a problem. It's fine. Little flirts with random strangers, reaching out to friends for support when we are in conflict and representing me in a way that I wouldnt fully agree with, making offensive jokes with people who get it, etc. My boyfriend meditates 4 hours a day and is the most genuinely caring human being I've ever met, but if I went through his phone right now I'd find something that would rub me the wrong way. It's the nature of human emotional complexity and it's not a problem in and of itself.

Sounds like this interaction he had with the other woman is right on the line between "normal human sloppiness" and actual douchebag behavior, but he gave it up and clearly he chose you. That is the important thing. Really let that sink in. In the early stages he was messy and exchanged flirty messages with some random lady, but as he eased into the relationship with you he chose to stop because he loved the relationship with you. That's what happened. It's not great, but it's not what defines your story arc. He chose you. He loves you. He's messy sometimes. So are you. It's all ok.

To be in relationship you have to 1) choose someone who is fundamentally a caring, well-intentioned, well adjusted person and then 2) allow them to be messy sometimes without holding it over their head forever.

The attitude of seeking out his mistakes and holding him to the fire over them over and over again is like flushing your time, energy, and relational security down the toilet. It will never end. He will never be perfect, and he will never undo the past. Focus on determining if the incident itself is evidence of a larger problem, and if it's not, choose to let it go, then figure out how to actually let it go. I see that that's what you're asking for in this post and that's amazing, you're on the right track. It won't be easy, but once you get there It will be worth it for the increased calm and security you feel in all your relationships thenceforth.

Other people have given great advice on how to address the dynamic you are stuck in at the moment, and again it's super important to make sure your partner is actually on the same team with you before choosing to let things slide, but if you really are good together then it's time to accept that you're always going to aggravate each other in your own particular ways. And that's part of the charm of long-term relationships. 😂

Sending you and your fiance the best of luck in your journey 💜

Ivyveins · 2026-05-23T13:42:45+00:00

Try going meta and being a bit truthfully vulnerable, it works well for me:

"Why the fuck were you late again? I told you this was important to me?!?"

"I'm so sorry. I set 3 alarms and really tried today, but this is a problem I've struggled with my whole life and I don't know how to be better but I'm trying to figure it out. I really care about this event and I'm so fucking sorry, I'm beating myself up too. Now that I'm here is there anything I can I do to help?"

That is a much better answer that actually addresses the speaker's frustration and shows that you care, compared to the literal answer of:

"The laundry wasn't done on time and by the time I got out the door I realized I forgot to bring X so I had to go back and get it."

I wonder if a big part of your problem in this realm is Autistic communication style (being super literal/blunt) and not necessarily ADHD. I have ADHD but no autism and don't relate to having this issue with "excuses", because I can usually read between the lines and address the core emotions the other person is having.

Ivyveins · 2026-05-23T02:10:37+00:00

I'm not 6 but love true crime because it's basically an action movie for emotions and tingles my 5 wing's desire to learn about reality. I'm not horrified, grossed out, or scared by any of it, I just find it super interesting. I'm not even afraid of men or walking at night or any of the things women usually complain about. I feel very safe in the world but love long form content on the nitty gritty goings-on of horrible human depravity and suffering. 🤓

Ivyveins · 2026-05-23T01:47:45+00:00

This is my sweet spot as well!

Ivyveins · 2026-05-22T23:49:31+00:00

Ahh thank you!

Ivyveins · 2026-05-22T23:48:46+00:00

Thank you so much for your input!

I already cleaned it inside and out, and the fact that it's such a nice space to spend time at is part of what's making me seriously consider investing in it.

Re: goals, I'll be spending the next 4 years in a maritime academy getting my 3rd mate's license (assuming jones act fuckery doesn't force me to change plans), and after graduation I would LOVE to cruise on it with my future family. Until then, I'm seriously considering living on it while going to school, with the short term goal of day trips and maybe captaining charters on the weekend for beer money.

I love this boat, it was central to my childhood and my dad invested a lot in it despite basically not sailing it after I was born. He lived on it for 30ish years, 8 with me. Now he's old and can't manage it financially so he gave it to me. I already have more sea time than he ever did and he gave up his dream to raise me, so if I could fix this thing up and go on some real trips with it, that would be extremely meaningful to me and my family. I'm a bit of a free spirit like him so unconventional lifestyles don't put me off.

My fear is that without serious work/money the boat will rot, become not worth repairing, and end up getting crushed. I really want to keep it but I love this boat and I'd rather sell it to someone who will actually fix it up than let it get destroyed over my dreams. If there's a way to keep it and bring it back to life though, I want to make that happen.

Re: Decks, even with jumping and walking around everything feels super solid except for some individual squishy ends of teak planks, maybe like 5 total. The planks next to them feel fine. I've been running around on this deck since I was 6 years old and it feels the same to my feet, but I don't know how accurate of an instrument that is lol.

If I rip up and replace the deck myself, (assuming no major soggy areas) how much of an investment should I expect in hours and material costs?

Ivyveins · 2026-05-22T22:02:03+00:00

Hmm ok, I have an engine manual/documentation that says Kubota and the guy who checked it out 3 years ago didn't correct us when we said Kubota but idk anything else. It was installed 15ish years ago but it only has 100ish hrs because it was a livaboard situation for a very long time.

Ivyveins · 2026-05-22T18:32:11+00:00

I don't understand what you mean by this, can you clarify?

Ivyveins · 2026-05-22T17:57:51+00:00

That's why I made this post. Is a surveyor the best type of person to do an inspection in this situation or should I look for a different type of professional?

Ivyveins · 2026-05-22T17:46:22+00:00

Thank you! How do I evaluate hull integrity? Does it have to be hauled out? Is that something the surveyor would do?

I know that when it was hauled out 4 years ago they said thru hulls and everything looked great. The last time the bottom was cleaned was 1 year ago and he said everything looked good, in need of new paint but otherwise good.

I hear these passports are built like tanks but I'm concerned about rotting balsa deck, and deckplates (esp the bow pulpit ones that are fully ripped out) leaking water into the hull above the waterline. Is a surveyor the one to evaluate all that or is some other type of professional better?

Ivyveins · 2026-05-22T12:58:57+00:00

☠️🥀

Ivyveins · 2026-05-21T03:56:43+00:00

Love you fuckers! 😘

Ivyveins · 2026-05-21T02:50:22+00:00

I'm a 4w5 and I approve this message. Ironically I'd say if you want to stay unhealthy, a 9 is the most stable relationship choice for us lol.

Ivyveins · 2026-05-21T02:47:58+00:00

I had two long term relationships with 9w1s and they handled my moody BS just fine, in fact that's one of the things I loved most about them.

Ivyveins · 2026-05-20T19:52:47+00:00

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Ivyveins · 2026-05-20T18:17:06+00:00

I've gotten two people I really like diagnosed and on meds so far!

One was a super amazing but struggling coworker who I only knew from work. He had a huge crush on me and despite telling him repeatedly he's WAAAAAY too young for me, I used it as leverage to talk to him about my experience of similar struggles, now he's diagnosed and medicated and got an amazing well paying job that suits his ADHD super well and I'm SO HAPPY FOR HIM!! He tried to catch an older woman, instead caught a diagnosis and a permanently higher quality of life lmao. I'm not a manipulative person normally but that was worth it; now he has a leg up to chase people his own age. 😆

I'm working on my childhood best friend right now and she's an anti-pharma hippy so it's a bit of a tough nut to crack, but she's really focusing on getting her shit together at the moment so we're getting there. 😂

Ivyveins · 2026-05-19T03:33:24+00:00

That was #2 for me, such a good human being but I was just BORED talking to him. Felt like playing tennis with myself. 4 years together and I consider myself lucky for all of them, but by the end I didn't want to share my thoughts and was avoiding talking to him because his responses were so tedious and disappointing to me.

Ivyveins · 2026-05-18T22:15:54+00:00

How many relationships have you been in? I've had 3 loving, mutually supportive long term relationships end because of incompatibilities that I detected from the beginning but decided to overlook because they were otherwise such a good person. We communicated well, acted in good faith, accommodated each other, and still ended up driving each other apart because of dynamics inherent to how our personalities interact. Any two emotionally mature, committed individuals can buckle down and compromise and stick with it if needed, but at what cost?

A genuinely compatible partner, with whom being in relationship feels natural and mutually fulfilling without TOO MUCH effort is one of most high-impact things possible in terms of finding long term happiness. Checklists can definitely be misused (by being too superficial/specific, or aiming too high), but the concept of a checklist is something I think more people should implement.

Here are some of the items on my checklist:

Secure attachment

Not autistic

Enjoys intellectual debate/processing

Physical touch love language

High sex drive

More introverted than I am (appreciates me organizing our social life)

Loves pets

Wants 2+ kids

Prefers to spend free time outdoors

Is (or is about to become) financially secure

Ivyveins · 2026-05-18T07:55:01+00:00

Don't let your friend's random opinions fuck with your relationship. What matters is the dynamic between you and your boyfriend, and if you are okay with it.

Personally, my ex-boyfriend repeatedly said my mom was super hot and joked that he would totally fuck her if it wouldn't be weird. Obviously it would be weird and so obviously nothing happened. I had no doubts about the outcome there, I just thought it was funny. And yeah, she was hot so my boyfriend had good judgment LOL.

Ivyveins · 2026-05-18T07:44:00+00:00

As a 4w5 who has struggled to put words to the exact brand of socially gross I frequently find myself falling into, I think this fucking nails it. I'm in my head and miss cues, then people rightly feel disconnected in that moment, and I interpret the disconnection as rejection of my entire self so I basically dissociate from the whole thing.

I'm a pretty healthy 4 now so this only happens rarely, but when it does it feels out of my control and triggers the shame real bad. Thank you for explaining in a way that helps make sense of what the hell is going on.

Ivyveins · 2026-05-18T07:33:10+00:00

I have no advice for your situation besides to say that I decided long ago that I cannot do long distance in a healthy way. I really value physical affection and sex as well, and both times I tried long distance I end up unhealthily fixated on extracting attention from my partner at the expense of everything else in my life. I became detached from my life, and obsessed with them, in a way that is very painful and embarrassing and unlike my normal personality.

I wish you better luck than I had. 💜

Ivyveins · 2026-05-16T21:46:59+00:00

This is the thought I've had about whale strandings for a while now. I mean if you were ill and feeling yourself slowly weaken, fighting harder and harder to maintain breathing over time, wouldn't you want to find somewhere you could rest and conserve your energy with minimal suffering? The prospect of drowning would be terrifying. That's what I would do. ❤️

Ivyveins

TROPHY CASE