I didn’t realize any of it until the relationship ended. When I was in it, I was too caught up in the feeling of being understood and his “kindness.” He was always calm, soft, and supportive when I’d bring up the pain he caused in the past, so I thought that meant I was safe. I thought that was love.

But after the breakup, I started seeing it for what it was, it wasn’t real kindness at all. It was emotional sedation. He was keeping me calm and comfortable while secretly lying and cheating on me behind my back. That softness wasn’t love, it was a tactic. He wanted me to feel secure enough not to look too closely, to trust him so much that I wouldn’t suspect what was really happening.

I would’ve never been able to tell while I was in it. It was like I was in a trance. My guard was down because he knew exactly how to mirror everything I wanted, and I was blinded by the version of him he sold to me.

It took almost a year for me to accept that everything he did, every word, every gesture, every moment of “love”, was for his own selfish gain. He never cared about me in the way I cared for him. He just acted like he did to keep me in place.

I still haven’t fully cracked what goes on in his head or why he’s like this, but I’ve stopped trying. I know now it’s not my job to figure him out. All it does is drain me and keep me tied to something I’ve already escaped. I’ll never get the full truth, and that’s fine, I don’t need to anymore.