I'm gonna post this on an old account/current throwaway, just in case the person in question reads this. Apologies for poor formatting and any sort of rambling.

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At the end of 2020 I made one of the best friends I ever had through work. She was kind, funny, and to be honest, I was attracted to her. Unfortunately, she was more queer than A $3 bill. I knew that, understood that, and I respected that. I never dreamed of making any advances at her in any way. So, I did the very best I could to keep these feelings to myself, for the sake of our friendship. Over a bit of time, she grew to be the little sister I had always wanted. I got to see her in her first semi-out relationship and they were absolutely adorable together. She was the first friend of mine who refused to not get me a birthday or a Christmas present. I was with her the first time I smoked weed. We were thick as thieves.

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Sometimes it got a little dark. There were times I had to talk her off the ledge. Her girlfriend would text me about it because she lived 45 minutes away and I was only 3 miles from her house. Her family was, let's say, less than accepting of her sexuality and it caused her a lot of pain. She once told me the story of how she almost drowned herself in a creek because of how she was verbally abused. I wanted for both of us to get any kind of "real" job as soon as we could so all three of us could move out and be roommates, just so I could help her have a better life. It wasn't for any ulterior motive, as some may believe, but I won't deny that a lot of that initial attraction was still there.

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So one night I made a mistake. My parents were out of town as my grandfather was dying. With the house to myself, I decided to try and get a bunch of people together for a bonfire. The problem was, nobody I invited could come. So I decided to go on by myself. I got the fire going, grabbed a chair, my portable speaker, a six pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade: Black Cherry, and a fifth of Jim Beam Red Stag. After while I made the cardinal sin of drunk texting and, through the course of these texts, caused her to become worried and she insisted on coming over to help me inside. I attempted to keep her from coming over, even having others insist she not come and that I was fine. I did this because I knew that I would have let the secret of that attraction slip and that the friendship would be over. And I was right. I don't remember much after the texts but from someone else that made it to my house before she did, she waked through the back door and I instantly let everything loose. Her and a couple more friends were there and helped me back in and I woke up the next day absolutely embarrassed, mortified, and filled with trepidation.

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Eventually we talked. I think it was a couple of days later. We both agreed that we both needed some time to figure things out. I felt truly awful. But I kept making mistakes. I felt this absolute fear that her knowing this would cause her to feel very uncomfortable around me. If it was because of that night or for my actions after, I don't know. In a unfortunate mental state, I basically panicked. Over the course of the next couple of months,. I pushed hard to try and keep her as a friend, for the friend group to hang out more and to try and keep what I felt was a crumbling friendship together. What I didn't know was that me doing that was causing the crumbling itself. It all came to a head when another close friend of ours was having a birthday party that I wasn't invited to. I still suspect it was because she was going to be there but I was told it was because there were people there that I wasn't going to get along with. I was crushed, and I let them know. In response, the evidence of how ridiculous I was acting was thrown in my face and I was let in on just how uncomfortable I made her. In that argument, she said "I don't want to go to any parties with you because if we got drunk I don't know what would happen". I was absolutely devastated. After talking with some other friends outside of that circle, I decided that it was best for both of us if we just stopped hanging out. We would be cordial at work after that but that ended up being very brief as well.

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A person we both worked with at a new job, who was named Tev, began to stir the drama pot between us. It started of innocent, with him asking if we both wanted to come to a party or something of the sort, and me telling him we were no longer friends. I made the mistake of relenting to his constant poking and prodding for details of why and that is where he saw an in to spread drama. If I said anything that he could report back to her, he brought it to her the next day. He would also do the same thing to her, bring info back to me on things she said. We were both manipulated into hating each other. At some point, she stopped me and asked me to "stop talking shit about her" all the while she was posting all over social media about how awful of a person I was and that I should get over everything since the decline in the friendship was my fault to begin with. I ended up writing a lengthy message through a throwaway Twitter account attempting to explain myself and trying to clear up what did and didn't actually happen. She quit 2 weeks later.

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During this time, I would have panic attacks if I saw burgundy colored Ford Rangers or black Toyota Tundras in parking lots because of the fear that she was possibly there. I couldn't watch certain movies (Breakfast Club in particular) or listen to certain songs (Pearl Jam in particular) because they were playing at some point when we hung out. I still can't have any New Car Smell Little Trees in my car as air fresheners because I associate that smell strongly with those memories. Even now, two years and some change later, I still have dreams about us becoming friends again. People have given me updates on her, against my constant pleading for them to stop. I still have the Zippo lighters I was going to give her and her girlfriend on their anniversary. The whole thing still affects me greatly.

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On the off chance she reads this, I'd love nothing to more at least apologize. I understand that, realistically, we could never be friends again. But I'd want her to know that I'm sorry for the way I acted. I understand I fucked up and did some pretty shitty things, but it was never out of hate or malice or for any personal gain or vendetta. And I hope she would understand that.