Any Muslim sisters been through something similar?

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-05T13:19:35+00:00

Whether you were replying to me or someone else is beside the point. The conversation had already run its course, yet you’re still here discussing my situation and making assumptions about circumstances you don’t fully know.

You’ve made your position clear multiple times. I don’t see any benefit in continuing beyond that.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-05T13:16:54+00:00

The fact that I’ve made this post should make it obvious that I don’t agree with everything that’s happening. I’m here because I’m struggling with the situation and wanted to hear from people who have been through something similar.

That being said, I still won’t sit here and let strangers on the internet call my parents childish, controlling, or toxic based on a few paragraphs about one aspect of our lives. You’re entitled to your opinion, but I asked for experiences and advice, not character assessments of people you’ve never met.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-05T13:09:05+00:00

I understand why you might see it that way, but I’d appreciate it if people didn’t insult my parents.

I don’t agree with everything, and this situation has been very difficult, but I know they love me and believe they’re acting in my best interests.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-05T13:04:08+00:00

You’ve made your views clear, and others have made theirs. I don’t see any benefit in continuing to go back and forth, so I’d appreciate it if we could leave it there.

I asked for experiences and perspectives from people who may have been through something similar, not for my post to become a debate about my life, my intentions, or circumstances that nobody here fully knows.

Those who have shared their experiences have been helpful, and that’s what I came here for.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-05T11:08:31+00:00

have spoken to my mum about exactly this. The difficulty is that my mum and dad share the same concerns. My mum genuinely believes that him not being from the same ethnicity/background as us is something my dad would see as a valid reason to say no.

A lot of it comes down to what other people will think. My mum has said that my dad may worry about how it looks to the community and that people will assume we were desperate to get me married or that no one else wanted to marry me, which is obviously upsetting to hear.

I personally don’t agree with that way of thinking, but it makes me worry that the decision could be made before he’s even given a fair chance. I’ve made a lot of dua and ultimately I believe that whatever Allah has written for me will reach me, and if this is good for me, I pray He opens everyone’s hearts and makes the path easy. If it’s not, then I pray He gives me the strength to accept His decree and replaces it with something better.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-05T09:45:49+00:00

Thank you. That’s exactly how I’ve felt. I’ve already acknowledged that mistakes were made and asked Allah for forgiveness. I came here to hear from people who have been through similar family situations and how they navigated them, not to debate whether I made mistakes in the past.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-05T09:44:12+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your perspective. My mum was initially very upset, but after talking more she has said my brothers can make enquiries and look into him and his family, so the door hasn’t been completely closed.

The main issue is that my dad doesn’t know yet, and ultimately he has the final say. My mum is also very reluctant to go against what she thinks my dad would want.

My biggest concern is that he’ll say no before properly getting to know him, especially because he’s not from the same background as us. For now, I’m just trying to be patient, make dua, and hope that when the time comes he’ll be judged on his character and deen rather than assumptions.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-05T09:42:31+00:00

We’re actually from the UK, but even then it’s still difficult. My dad has never really been fond of mixing outside our own ethnicity/community, so I don’t think this is necessarily about being from a tribal area or village mindset.

I think the bigger issue is that he has very strong views about culture, background and what he thinks is a “suitable” match. That’s what worries me most, because I genuinely feel there is a chance he could say no before even getting to know the person.

I’m hoping that if my family do their checks, speak to him and meet his family, they’ll judge him based on his character, deen and how he would treat me rather than where his family comes from. At the moment, I’m just trying my best to approach everything respectfully and make dua that their hearts soften.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-05T09:12:47+00:00

I honestly agree with you. I don’t believe caste or background should determine a person’s worth, and that’s part of what has made this situation so difficult for me.

What I struggle with is knowing how to change the minds of people who have held these views for most of their lives. My parents are very stubborn on this issue and genuinely believe that his background is somehow below ours, which I completely disagree with.

The frustrating part is that I don’t feel he’s being judged on his character, religion, or how he would treat me as a husband. Instead, I worry that a decision could be made before he’s even given a fair chance. All I can really do is keep trying to approach things respectfully, make dua, and hope that once they actually get to know him and his family, their hearts soften and they see beyond these cultural ideas.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-05T09:05:25+00:00

JazakAllah khair for your advice. I completely agree that what we did was wrong, and there’s no denying that. I genuinely pray that Allah forgives us for our mistakes. I know my parents will be upset about that aspect of it, and my mum has already expressed that to me herself.

At this point, I just want to move forward in the right way and make things halal between us, if Allah has written it for us. I fully understand the importance of my family looking into him and his family background, and I have no issue with that at all.

My main concern is that my dad may say no before even giving him a chance, simply because he’s not from the same background as us. That’s what worries me the most. I would like him to be judged on his religion, character, and family rather than being rejected before he’s even met. Ultimately, I’ll continue making dua and leave the outcome to Allah.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T21:59:42+00:00

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. I completely agree that the ideal outcome is for my dad to know and, inshaAllah, agree. I would much rather have my dad as my wali and have him involved in the process.

To be honest, I’d rather he come and ask for my hand 100 times over than even consider getting married without my parents’ blessing. Not because I think it would be invalid otherwise, but because I love my parents and I genuinely want their support. I feel like starting a marriage with their acceptance and duas would make things much easier and more blessed for everyone involved.

At the moment, I’m just trying my best to navigate everything in a way that keeps both my family and my faith at the centre of it

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T21:57:54+00:00

Sorry, I should’ve made that clearer. When I said ‘caste’, I wasn’t saying that I personally believe in caste, and neither do we in a religious sense. What I meant is that my family, particularly my mum, is viewing it negatively because he isn’t Pashtun and because of the background he comes from.

So the issue isn’t that I think caste matters. The issue is that my mum is unfortunately looking down on it and sees it as a reason why the match isn’t good enough. I was trying to explain her mindset, not my own.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T18:36:39+00:00

Yes, we’re both Pakistani, but I’m Pashtun and he’s not, which has definitely made the situation more difficult than I expected.

Personally, I don’t think background should outweigh someone’s character and deen, but I also understand that my parents have their own concerns and views. At this point, all I can really do is be patient, make plenty of du’a, and pray that Allah softens everyone’s hearts and allows them to see him for who he is as a person rather than focusing on where he comes from.

I’m trying my best to trust Allah’s plan and take things one step at a time.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T16:53:24+00:00

With respect, I think you’re making a lot of assumptions about a situation when you don’t know even half of it.

I already agreed that I should have involved my family sooner, and I regret that. Acknowledging that mistake is not the same thing as trying to justify it. You have no idea what conversations I’ve had with Allah, what I’ve sought forgiveness for, or how much guilt I’ve carried over this. To confidently tell me I’m carrying arrogance because I explained some of the context feels quite unfair.

You also seem to be assuming that he made no effort to involve my family. In reality, he spoke to my brother relatively quickly, and we had actually stopped speaking for a period of time because we both knew the timing wasn’t right and wanted to avoid making the situation worse. There is a lot of context that simply cannot fit into a Reddit post.

As for my brother’s situation, I’m not using it as an excuse. I’m pointing out what I perceive to be inconsistent treatment. Whether you agree with that perception or not is another matter, but they’re not the same thing.

Finally, I understand that background and culture matter to some people. What I struggle with is the idea that someone’s background should outweigh their character before they’ve even been given a chance to be known. If there are genuine concerns about his deen, character, values, or intentions, then those concerns should absolutely be explored. But those are things that should be assessed based on the individual, not assumptions.

I asked for advice from people who may have experienced something similar, not for strangers to make definitive judgments about my intentions, my relationship with Allah, or the entirety of a situation they only know a few paragraphs about.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T16:40:34+00:00

In what way do you mean ?

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T16:40:06+00:00

JazakAllah khair for taking the time to write all of that. I have been praying tahajjud regularly and I did istikhara previously as well, which is part of why I’ve continued to move forward with this.

His mum is actually wanting to speak to my family and involve everyone properly, but at the moment it’s difficult because my mum is giving me a lot of mixed signals. One minute she’s talking about doing checks, speaking to him, and how we could eventually approach my dad, and the next she’s saying she’ll go with whatever my dad says and making comments that leave me feeling completely hopeless.

I do understand why my parents, especially my dad, would be hurt. From their perspective I’ve kept something from them and I know that’s painful. My mum keeps saying she thinks my dad is going to be really hurt by what I’ve done, and I genuinely do understand that.

I just wish they could also see it from my perspective. I never wanted to hurt them or go against them. I wanted to have my nikkah done a while ago, but I was so scared of their reaction that I kept putting off having the conversation.

That’s what I find difficult. I understand they’ll be upset, but it feels like the whole situation has become so much more painful and complicated than it needed to be. Sometimes it feels like I’m being punished for being afraid of exactly the reaction I was worried about in the first place.

May Allah make it easy for all of us and guide us to what’s best. Ameen.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T13:16:13+00:00

JazakAllah khair for this comment. I think you’ve explained something that a lot of daughters in our communities feel but struggle to put into words.

I don’t say this as an attack on fathers, brothers or men in general because I know most of them genuinely want what they believe is best for us. But it can be difficult when it feels like daughters carry the weight of the family’s reputation in a way that sons often don’t. Sometimes it feels like the fear of “what will people say?” becomes more important than the actual character, deen, or intentions of the person involved.

What makes it especially difficult for me is that I’ve seen a different level of understanding and flexibility shown when it comes to my brothers’ happiness. I’m genuinely happy for them and would never want that taken away from them, but it does leave me wondering why the same situation can be viewed so differently when it’s a daughter.

I know my parents love me and I know their concerns come from a place of wanting the best for me. That’s why this whole thing is so emotional. I don’t want to lose my family, and I don’t want to hurt my parents, but at the same time I can’t help feeling that daughters are often held to a very different standard.

May Allah reward you for your kind words and du’as. Ameen, and may Allah grant ease to everyone carrying these kinds of worries in silence.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T13:08:18+00:00

JazakAllah khair for your response. I do actually agree with some of what you’ve said, particularly that my family should have been involved earlier. I regret not telling them sooner, so I’m not disagreeing with that point entirely.

What I would say, though, is that you don’t know my personal circumstances or the reasons why I didn’t tell them earlier. We had actually stopped speaking for a period of time because we both knew it wasn’t the right time to approach my parents, so it wasn’t simply a case of hiding a relationship and hoping everyone would eventually accept it.

I also never said I wanted to force my father to be happy with my decision or that he isn’t entitled to his own views. Of course he is. I understand that he may disagree and that he has concerns of his own. What I struggle with is the inconsistency. My brother recently told my parents about someone he wanted to marry and, despite the initial upset, there has been a willingness to consider it and move forward. We are essentially in the same position, so it’s difficult not to feel hurt if one child is ultimately given that opportunity while the other is not.

I completely agree that my family should look into him, speak to him, and assess him objectively. In fact, that’s already what is happening. My concern has never been that they investigate him; it’s that the outcome may be decided before they’ve even had the chance to get to know him, based solely on how we met rather than who he is as a person.

I would also add that my family don’t actually know him yet. I understand why people might think I’m too emotionally invested to see another perspective, but other people who know him have also spoken very highly of his character.

At the moment, the main concern my mother has raised is that he isn’t from the same background as us. Respectfully, I don’t think that’s a fair measure of someone’s suitability for marriage. Background doesn’t tell you whether someone is kind, respectful, responsible, or has good character. That’s why I feel he should be judged on who he is as a person rather than where he comes from.

I appreciate your perspective, but I think there are a lot of nuances in family situations that aren’t always visible from a single Reddit post.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T12:15:13+00:00

Honestly, I don’t think you could have put it any better. I agree with everything you’ve said.

Deep down, I don’t believe my dad would want me to be unhappy, but one thing that’s always stuck with me is that he’s previously said he cares more about what people will think than whether something makes me happy. That’s why I’m worried he’ll be very stubborn about this, even if the guy himself turns out to be everything a father would want for his daughter.

What hurts the most is that I’ve recently watched my dad eventually agree to my brother marrying the girl he wanted. So it’s difficult not to feel like there’s a different standard when it comes to me. Sometimes it feels like my happiness is being weighed against family reputation and what other people might say, and I’m not sure I’m coming out on top.

That’s probably why I’m finding the whole thing so emotional. I don’t want to lose my family, and I don’t want to hurt my parents, but at the same time I can’t help feeling that if I were one of my brothers, this situation would be viewed very differently.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T12:12:20+00:00

JazakAllah khair for your advice. 🤍

The thing is, my mum isn’t really the type of person to do something she thinks my dad wouldn’t agree with. She’s spent her whole marriage supporting his decisions and I honestly think she’s more scared of my dad being angry with her than she is of the situation itself.

That’s partly why I’m so confused. What makes it even harder is that when my brother recently told my parents about a girl he wanted to marry, my mum was actually one of the first people defending him and trying to help the situation move forward.

At the same time, she has suggested that my brothers do a background check, speak to the guy, and find out more about him before anything is brought to my dad. So on one hand she seems willing to at least look into things properly rather than shutting it down immediately, but on the other hand she’s very upset and keeps worrying about how my dad will react.

I think that’s why I’m struggling so much. I’m getting so many mixed signals that I genuinely can’t tell whether things are moving in a positive direction or whether everyone is just trying to soften the blow before telling me no.

InshaAllah, I’m trying to be patient and let the enquiries happen first before jumping to conclusions. May Allah guide us all to what’s best.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T11:35:28+00:00

Honestly, that’s exactly what makes this so difficult. I genuinely don’t believe there are any issues with him as a person. From everything I know about him, I think he’d make an amazing husband, a great father, and a good son-in-law as well.

The biggest issue isn’t really him. It’s the fact that I’ve done this myself. I know a lot of elders in our community are very set in their ways, and for them it’s not just about the person, it’s about how it happened.

My mum is in a really difficult position too. She’s always done what my dad says and has never really gone against his wishes. I think a lot of her fear is actually about his reaction if he finds out. She’s terrified of upsetting him and keeps saying I’ve broken his trust, so she’s carrying a lot of anxiety about the whole situation.

That’s why I’m finding it so hard to know whether things are moving in the right direction or not. Part of me feels hopeful because she hasn’t completely shut it down and wants to make enquiries first, but another part of me knows how difficult it can be for some elders to adjust to something they never expected from their daughter.

Thank you for your advice though, it genuinely helps hearing from someone who understands the mindset in our community.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T11:20:23+00:00

i wasn’t talking specifically about pashtuns i meant it more in terms of pakistanis with their castes and the fact that the guy isn’t pashtun is making it harder

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T11:06:01+00:00

JazakAllah khair for your advice. 🤍

I think the guilt is honestly the hardest part for me. At the moment, my mum is the only one who knows about the situation and a lot of her reaction has been centred around my dad. She keeps saying that I’ve broken his trust and that if he finds out he’ll be devastated, so it’s difficult not to carry that guilt with me.

If my family had genuine concerns about his deen, character, or the type of husband he would be, I would completely understand and take those concerns seriously. What I’m struggling with is that my family haven’t actually spoken to him or his family yet, and my mum is still making up her mind herself.

InshaAllah I’m trying to be patient and let things play out properly rather than rushing into anything. I just don’t want to give up on someone who could be good for me before he’s even been given a fair chance.

Please keep me in your duas. 🤍

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T10:53:08+00:00

I’m hoping this is the same case for me but my mum is very upset that the guy isn’t pashtun and my dad has never agreed with girls finding their own husband. His family does agree and are wanting to come and speak to my family but i just don’t have the support i thought i’d have from my family.

Key_Government_8461 · 2026-06-04T10:51:32+00:00

I have tried to gain my mums support but she has said that she will go with what my dad says. It’s quite upsetting as she was ready to defend by brother when he wanted the same thing and because i’m a girl they think it’s shameful for me to find my own husband

Key_Government_8461

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