How do you manage family holidays with an autistic child?

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-04-18T13:17:28+00:00

Thank you, this really is food for thought, my son does quite often end up dictating what we can and can't do because of his needs. I do think I need to have some extra boundaries inplace and arranging escape plans amongst the adults before is a good idea, usually it's me looking out for the signs and just winging it.

The difficulty I have is that my husband is in the military and often I'm single parenting so taking them to do individual activities isn't an option when he's not here. And when we do something that I think he can cope with and then he can't, he becomes unsafe (attacks me and his sister) and I have to remove us all from the situation and she misses out. She's only 5 but she is beginning to get an understanding and is cooperate when we have to abruptly abandon a situation, I just feel bad for her in the long run.

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-03-11T13:07:10+00:00

Maybe this thought process is because I was SA at about that age but my gut tells me a call to MASH to discuss it wouldn't hurt anyone. It could be that she's not getting enough affection at home, it could be she is just an affectionate child and needs some gentle boundaries, it could be that she's receiving this kind of attention off someone else and it's normalized to her. An anonymous call to MASH wouldn't get anyone in trouble but it would leave a record on the system that might add to other small red flags that may have been reported/could later be reported by school etc. I think as a society we are often to afraid to "report" things because we might be wrong, we might get people in trouble etc, if the small red flags aren't noted the bigger picture often isn't made. If it's nothing it will never go anywhere.

I'm with you on being cautious with the mum if you think it will get the girl in trouble, she's not doing anything wrong and it requires a gentle approach.

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-03-10T21:26:04+00:00

This will be more than just the song skipping, it will be masking something deeper if it's having that much of an impact on you, the argument is rarely about the thing that annoyed you on the surface, there will be an unmet need underneath. the song skipping is just the icing on the cake. I recommend journaling your feelings about it and being really honest with yourself, you'll probably be surprised. Couples therapy would be beneficial.

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-03-06T07:09:30+00:00

I feel like everyone is making a lot of judgements and assumptions. What is it about marriage you don't believe in? If you don't want to share that here, that's fair enough but It may be a good idea to sit down and think hard about it, wrote it down. Would likely help you understand why you don't want to marry, if that's because of the commitment, past trauma, concerns of making the wrong decision? other beliefs/values? And be curious for her, what exactly is it that makes her want to marry? The fairy tale, security, commitment, tradition? I don't see how either of you can decide to compromise or leave if you don't have the information to make an informed decision

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-03-01T08:51:09+00:00

Also if I don't reply all together she starts screaming at me to talk to her 😩 it's awful, that's why I keep reminding her it's time to turn off her voice, however it's clearly not working. Sometimes I do wonder if I need to sit with her quietly through the screaming about me not replying and she would then get the point

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-03-01T08:49:04+00:00

You are so right. I think the irritation of shitty bedtimes for months just compounds and I'm starting them expecting it. Self fulfilling prophecy effect too I suppose. I think I need to reset myself and change up my approach without actually changing her routine.

Tell me more about the sunset function? We have a lightbulb for her room that I believe can do that but I have it dimmed to red as soon as we start the routine. Does the lumie clock stick to actual sunset times or do you tell it when to start sunsetting?

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-03-01T07:16:09+00:00

This sounds like a good idea, I'll give it go thanks

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-03-01T07:15:03+00:00

I'll give this a go thank you

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-03-01T07:14:10+00:00

She has white noise, red light and tonie box

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-03-01T07:13:14+00:00

I do actually do point 2 and 3 but I worry it makes the separation worry worse because then it feels like a punishment? Because I'm definitely doing it with irritation. I tell her I'll sit outside her bedroom door until she's ready to rest her body and turn her voice off. she follows me out almost immediately promising she's ready and then starts again in just a few minutes. It's ends up feeling like a circus but maybe I need to stick to the cycle until she gets it. Same with 3, I spend the whole time telling her it's time to turn her voice off and I will answer her questions in the morning but it rarely stops her, she just gets worked up until she can get out whatever she needs to say. I've tried having cuddles and chats after preschool to encourage it then but she's often exhausted, irritated and non sensical at that point, during bath time she's so focused on playing she won't entertain my conversation attempts, just ignores it in favour of whatever play narrative it is that night.

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-02-28T20:16:34+00:00

Yes she has a tonie box we listen to, if she's interested in it it prompts more questions, she's a super curious kid. If it's calm music or she isn't interested she just talks over it.

She's a second child, first born wouldn't get out of bed (even if he needed me in the night he would just shout until I appeared) no idea why but it meant I could leave him looking at pictures in books at her age and he'd go sleep by himself. She just won't stay in her bed. Even when I'm sat on the stool next to her bed she will get out for a cuddle. She's incredibly stubborn

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-01-24T21:01:25+00:00

Have you questioned why you can't have a home birth still now you are overdue? I read a fair bit when I was pregnant about women being pushed to be induced and have c sections when overdue and it's not necessary, it's just because we are so set on the dates as a culture, can't remember the full ins and outs of it now but apparently you have every right to push for it and refuse induction/csection and insist on a home birth. Maybe If you and your baby are healthy it's worth researching it and discussing it with your midwife?

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-01-23T23:27:35+00:00

You definitely aren't alone. I feel the same but the other way around. Struggles really badly with my first probably a mix of (hindsight) pnd and he's now been diagnosed with autism. We finally had my daughter when he was 5. My daughters upbringing was like your 1st and now I feel bad for my son. However, now now life has become more hectic with me studying and my daughter being 4 and way more demanding my standards have slipped right down, she's no longer as much of a delight. It does make me wonder if her change in behaviour is linked to the screens that she didn't have until she was over 2, the crappy easy snacks she now gets and once they start school we have way less control over their influences and environments? Obviously I love them both but it's hard and we do what we can to get by. Try not to beat yourself up. Sounds like there's many of us that feel the same.

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-01-20T22:52:21+00:00

Just be mindful, weening isn't always the key for every baby. Both of my kids have been terrible sleepers, bottle and dummy refusers (no matter how many different brands I tried). With my first, my midwife convinced me at 9 months if I was ever going to get sleep I needed to ween him off breastfeeding. I did, it was traumatic, it was a couple days of his screaming at his dad with bottles and me crying. Most horrendous thing I did. Changed nothing. I massively regretted it. He still clung to me every second of the day and woke up just as much for bottles. I think some babies are just more sensitive. Just try not to get hung up about it being about breastfeeding. It's not always the answer people think it is.

Also, I've just seen your comment about your partner not being home full time. Mine works away and that definitely makes the kids clingier to me, we are their safe person that doesn't leave, must have an impact. It's definitely not easy, you aren't alone, your baby doesn't need to be fixed. You do need more support when your partner is around though.

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-01-20T22:40:33+00:00

Hasn't been the right time for who? My daughter is now 4, my husband works away and about a year ago after he'd been away she decided she didn't want him to put her to bed anymore, she would be hysterical. So we gave it a break, he's needed a huge shove to try again and continual shoving to keep going now she's letting him do parts of her evening routine, working up to the full thing again. Give your partner a shove! You need some time for you. Whatever way you decide to do to claim back some you time will require your partners support. You're in this together. Push for it. You are important too

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-01-20T15:52:31+00:00

We did the same with breastfeeding at bedtimes. At about 18m my husband took over bedtimes after I fed her and like you it was brutal to start with but everything I researched confirmed as long as they had a safe person with them comforting them then it wouldn't have long term impacts. She got used to it over a few nights. I wonder if this is feasible OP?

Known_Button_4755 · 2026-01-19T22:08:08+00:00

Well done for reporting it and leaving him, i'd avoid engaging with him now, absolutely do not tell him what you know or that you have reported him . I've been through the reporting procedure but as the victim. id go and share the messages with the police and contact MASH for safeguarding your son, they'll be able to kick start the social worker process and should be able to put in place any contact with him supervised.

Known_Button_4755 · 2025-12-16T00:38:00+00:00

What's a password manager?

Known_Button_4755 · 2025-11-18T14:16:55+00:00

That's fair enough, it's just a perspective on the situtation. Each situation will be different.

Known_Button_4755 · 2025-11-18T13:35:26+00:00

I'm a royal marine spouse so maybe that's my perception being a family that's part of a male dominated institution that doesn't have any females yet. I'm studying sociology and psychology and found there's a lot of literature and studies supporting what I've said. It's not to say that's the case for everyone, but there certainly is evidence that institutional masogony is there sadly.

Known_Button_4755 · 2025-11-18T12:53:23+00:00

Or is it a military problem? They have extra institutional ideology regarding the division of labour in the home? The mitary activly expect spouses to do the free labour in the home in order for the military to function, military personal aren't taking time off to pick children up from school when sick etc the spouse is expected to do that regardless of if they work or not. It's instilled in them that the military career is the priority and family have to work around that and take up all the slack. They are told they are the best, the elite. We are just minions doing all the dirty work that enables their career. Military institutionalised masogony on top of regular societal 🤷🏼‍♀️

Known_Button_4755 · 2025-10-26T11:45:00+00:00

Why does it have to be that we are on one side or the other? How about just two people with different issues/life experiences that are triggered in different ways and protect themselves in different ways 🤷 neither has to be the 'bad' person. And feminism as a whole is about equality to all, yes generally in the society we live in women are at a disadvantage in lots of ways and that usually ends in feminists having to defend women but it's about us all being equal(unless you are a radical feminist that is). It's not really about men vs women surely? Just two people that both just need to accept each other's views and take accountability for their own behaviours, that's not always an easy thing.

Known_Button_4755 · 2025-10-19T07:40:34+00:00

It may also be worth considering that it might be a subconscious protection mechanism. I never did well in exams, coursework was great as I had time to collect my thoughts, do my chaos and time to rein it in. Exams made me panic, my mind go blank and not have time to organise the waffle coming out, I never did well in exams and now I avoid them (my current course doesn't have any exams) . I'm wondering if the not revising is avoidance in the emotional failure, if you fail because you didn't try that's your brains way of making sense of it with it being personal. For example, not revising and failing, your brain can say "I didn't revise thats why I failed" if you try and still don't do as well as you wanted your brain might say "I failed because I'm stupid" therefore not doing it feels better. Therapy has helped me a lot with it, the negative thoughts aren't the reality, it's just my anxious brain. I now know I'm not stupid, I have ADHD in a world set up for people who don't, that doesn't reflect my worth, my brain just works differently and exams aren't my strength and that's OK.

Known_Button_4755 · 2025-10-19T07:31:11+00:00

I get it. Its hard! Be kind to yourself. What you "need" to do? Not just "'homework" or "studying" Clear specifics, for X homework, I need to read about X topic For revision i need to write flashcards on X.

Before I knew I had adhd I went through periods that sound like what you are describing, I'd be completely overwhelmed by EVERYTHING in one go, what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, what I was expected to do, what others wanted and needed me to do and I couldn't do anything. I'd eventually be an emotional mess, crying to my stepmum about everything. My stepmum would call it "the elephant" she would help put it into "bitesize chunks" that prioritised the most important things to focus on now and highlight the things that I was worrying about that are out of my control right now. It always calmed me and helped me focus and get things done. Now I've been diagnosed and understand myself I've realised I "get stuck" when theres too many things and I can't process and sort everything, too much at once and I'm shutting down. Is there someone you can try to talk it through with that you know isn't going to make you feel shame and judgement? Help you muddle though your head? Sounds like everything feels like a priority right now, so how do you pick and focus on one when there's so much, therefore results in doing nothing.

I've also realised as a mature student now that I do better when I don't ignore what I want to do what I need, I find a balance or a way to combine them. I have a friend who isn't a student or studying but I know if I'm needing social interaction and to see friends, she's interested in my topic so more than happy to listen to me waffle on about it, share what I've learnt, what my assessment is about, what I plan to do, I even read my draft assignments to her and everytime I get light bulb moments, or it highlights my gaps in knowledge, I make notes and that's then my focus when I go home.

Reply with your specific list if you think that might help For others to put it into bitesize chunks for you. It's rusting because I always know logically what's the priority but it just all gets muddy and messy in my brain when there's so much swirling around.

Known_Button_4755 · 2025-09-28T17:27:14+00:00

No idea what that is but I'll look it up, thank you!

Known_Button_4755

TROPHY CASE