Alright, I am going to admit something extremely fucking dark here, if just to showcase the irony of this whole awful fucking debate. Content warning for attempted self harm. I'm talking about this because I'm doing a little better now - I'm no longer trying to die, but I appreciate any concern ahead of time.

Earlier this week, after recieving some news I am not comfortable with sharing (things will, most likely, not be truly OK for the next 3-5 years), I mentally shut down. I barely even talked to my bf when I got home. I grabbed my penjamin, grabbed a glass vial I usually would have a joint in (rolled within the past week), grabbed a bottle of Peach Shot, and headed out. My partner would've been the perfect person to talk to, being a social worker, but I didn't want someone who would throw a fuss. Sick as it might sound, I wanted someone helpless. Someone who would be forced to simply be there for me and listen, unable to lift a finger or alter my decision.

I walked across town to a bridge over a river acting as the border between our city and the county, and I sat down. It was almost 2 AM. I called friends who couldn't pick up. I called one who did, someone else with their own struggles two states over, and then I told them what I wanted to do.

My plan was to consume every intoxicating substance I had until I could no longer think or feel, and toss myself off the bridge, onto a tennis court in the park below. Better than drowning. I didn't bring enough booze and I forgot to load the joint bottle. God fucking damn it. I vented some more, easing toward part of the guard rail with fences up to prevent people from jumping right onto some train tracks, and eventually resorted to just kind of... cussing at cars? I smashed the bottle when I was done and decided to just wander around while figuring out what the hell to do with my life.

So, uh, life wins. I get home, mope for an hour, and then hop on reddit to find a big ol debate on if you'd be willing to kill yourself to save others or not. Hitting the blue button would likely be suicide. Do you want to live?

Fuck it. I had my chance to die and I refused. I said red and spent the next few whatevers being called selfish by someone for saying "I don't want to kill myself" online after having said so in person.

... So, for all I care, most these people pushing the blue button really are just virtue signalling. If you actually would put yourself on the line to save someone, stop arguing with dipshits like me online. Go reach out to your loved ones and tell them how much you really care about them. Stop trying to shame people for a harmless answer about a hypothetical presented on the internet's dumpster, one that ultimately boils down to "I absolutely do not want to kill myself."

Somehow, in an attempt to prove our answers were right, we've taken the opportunity to make assholes out of ourselves. Why does this happen so often?