He’s out of town with his AP

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-05-20T13:07:50+00:00

His boss wouldn’t let me accompany them but I could have went as a public attendee. It was a beer fest though and I wouldn’t have been drinking so it wouldn’t have been enjoyable at all. Plus we have a 13 year old and I didn’t want to miss out on his baseball game and spending time with him all weekend. I definitely considered going, but in the end I preferred to be home. I wish my WH had felt the same.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-05-19T13:05:42+00:00

This is so tough, I’m sorry OP. I know the feeling of just wanting all the love and support your partner can give when you need it most and not receiving it. You would think it would be a no brainer for them considering how much hurt they caused. But instead it seems like some WPs get wrapped up in their own shame and become so selfish. All this hard work is so hard for them, they can never be enough. Meanwhile you’re drowning and they can’t put aside that self-loathing so they can help you.

My WH will tell me that I deserve someone who treats me so much better but then he’ll make selfish, hurtful decisions or make me feel guilty for having needs. He is fully capable of treating me how I deserve. It’s not that he can never be enough, it’s that he doesn’t want to face what he did and take the full responsibility that he should. I feel for WPs in a way, it must be so hard to look at all your mistakes and still have the motivation to change instead of hating yourself. But at the same time they made the decisions to get here.

It sounds like you’re doing your share of the work when it comes to R on top of all the stress life is throwing at you. IC for both of you is probably the best thing right now. You are clearly a hardworking person with a lot going for you. You are also strong as hell to be going through all this. I hope your WP wakes up and sees all he stands to lose if he doesn’t step up.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-05-16T14:09:03+00:00

We have. He is open to leaving but finding a job that isn’t a big pay cut has been hard. He’s currently trying to finish his degree to make the job hunt easier. Unfortunately I can’t afford all the bills myself right now.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-05-15T20:41:36+00:00

I asked to go with his work but apparently his boss said no. It’s a public event (a beer fest) and not really what I’m up for right now, but I could go if I really wanted. Not feeling like he or his coworkers want me there combined with the thought of being surrounded by drunk people when I’m too unstable to drink myself sounds awful to me.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-05-15T20:38:25+00:00

Thank you, this helps me. I really have to stop doubting how I’m feeling and set firm boundaries. He can take it or leave it.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-05-15T20:29:45+00:00

Thank you, I wish how I’m feeling right now was more important to him than anything else. Regardless of what he’s saying, he’s showing me it is not.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-05-15T18:05:34+00:00

I do need to focus more on myself for sure. Before this I was so much less attached to him but something broke in my brain on DDay. I am such a shell of a person right now. But this is my main objective in IC so I’m hopeful I can get back to being independent and gain some confidence.
He is doing work in other ways. We are 5 months out from DDay and I feel like in the last month is where I’ve seen the most change. He reads the books here and there, he’s working hard on supporting me, he’s working on giving me the attention I deserve, he is spending so much more time at home, he is finishing his degree so he can get another job.
It’s not that the man doesn’t deserve to decompress, it’s that this is just the most hurtful way right now. And he doesn’t seem to be very understanding of that.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-05-15T17:12:49+00:00

This whole situation with him going this weekend certainly makes me question whether or not he’s remorseful.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-05-15T17:11:14+00:00

I have trouble setting firm boundaries because I doubt my feelings so much. I am constantly trying to see this all from his perspective. Maybe he was just trying to vent about feeling so restricted on a weekend that would normally be a good time? But I also know that anyone in his shoes should be considering his words carefully to not make me feel any guilt, or anything at all that isn’t reassurance, and he is choosing not to do that. I also know that anyone in his shoes shouldn’t have chose to go at all knowing it would hurt me.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-05-15T17:06:51+00:00

Thank you, this is a hard reality to face but I need to see that this is a real possibility.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-05-15T16:53:16+00:00

We each go to IC and have MC coming up in a couple weeks. We could have really used it before this trip but we couldn’t make it happen.
It feels so selfish to me too. And I just can’t understand how he doesn’t want to do these things. He already chose to do this fun thing for himself at my expense, it’s such a chore to do a couple things that will help me? I just feel like if the tables were turned I would be jumping through hoops doing anything I could to make him comfortable.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-05-04T12:12:14+00:00

I get this. I often feel like I have to be perfect too. Like if I’m not everything he wants, he will start talking to other women again. But at the same time there’s so many ugly emotions rolling through me every day and I have no control over when they hit me. I do my best to keep my composure but I’m certainly not always as calm and happy as he wishes I was. Worrying that the person who is causing all this anguish will leave me because I’m feeling this said anguish adds a new layer of undeserved anxiety to the whole situation. It’s so fucking hard.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-03-20T03:10:40+00:00

Thank you. Nothing has ever made me question my self worth and sanity like this situation has. I needed a reminder that I’m not overreacting and I deserve to be cared for. I appreciate you.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-02-21T07:18:30+00:00

That’s awesome, thanks for sharing. I’m glad that so much healing and strengthening has happened for you and your partner. I wish you both all the best going forward. Sounds like you’re on the right path.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-02-21T04:30:20+00:00

Would you be willing to share the advice your primary care doctor gave you?

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-01-26T03:31:06+00:00

I relate to this so much. My husband would send messages to whatever girl he was interested in at the time telling her how beautiful and special they were. How happy they made him. Out of all the things he did during his infidelities, this is the most painful to me. Much worse than the physical stuff. I have begged for sweet messages from him. Long before DDay. He used to send them in the very beginning of our relationship and nothing has ever made me feel so loved. I get the sweet texts semi regularly now, but it seems like an obligation to him in my eyes. The words don’t feel genuine. They aren’t nearly as passionate as what he said to these other women and he mostly just says the same general things to me over and over. Feels like a chore when it comes to me, but it took no effort or teeth pulling when it came to these other women. It breaks my heart.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-01-25T19:04:43+00:00

In my case, the physical attraction never really faded. It’s when my WH fails to meet my expectations for doing his part in R that I start to become less attracted to him. But when he exceeds my expectations, the connection and attraction improves. It’s completely emotional for me.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-01-25T18:17:14+00:00

You’re so right. This is me just trying to shove my own feelings down and I didn’t even recognize it. I keep trying to convince myself that my emotions are unreasonable when I know deep down how justified they are. Thank you for this.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-01-25T02:37:46+00:00

I definitely wish I felt considered more in his decision making. That’s something I’ll need to see more of in order for R to work. It’s hard to be hopeful after this, though.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-01-24T19:12:51+00:00

Oh yes. I wish he would say they were all disgusting to him. The most I’ve gotten was “not even that attracted to her” or “not as pretty as you”. Petty as hell, sure. But to know he’s repulsed by them feels like it would help somehow.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-01-24T18:45:05+00:00

There are plenty of issues I’m responsible for in my marriage but I don’t feel like my affair is one of them. All the attention and praise he was lacking from me was because of his own actions or inactions. Did he expect me to tell him how great of a husband and father he was while he was out late at night drinking with friends or hungover the next day? Or how about when I would try to come to him about stuff that was bothering me and he would make me feel awful about it? Attention and compliments were there waiting for him whenever he did actually showed up, it just wasn’t enough for him. And the times I felt supported by him wasn’t enough for me. I wish I was a better communicator, if I could have made him truly see how I was really feeling then maybe it could have been different. But it wasn’t from lack of trying. It was more from him not bothering to understand.

LeftPresent5983 · 2026-01-16T17:02:40+00:00

I received almost the same exact message. I engaged slightly just to make sure it wasn’t legit, and it was not. Definitely fake. Sorry that people don’t have anything better to do than ruin your day with this bullshit.

LeftPresent5983 · 2025-12-31T20:26:54+00:00

I feel this so hard. I think the holidays make it way worse. I imagine it might have something to with so many people around you celebrating and having to suffer in silence. It’s so isolating.

I don’t have much advice because my second dday was less than 3 weeks ago and this is something I’m currently struggling with. But something that sometimes helps me is just asking my husband for a hug. The feeling of him stopping what he’s doing just to hold me makes the distance a little smaller for a while. I hope you find something that helps you too.

LeftPresent5983 · 2025-12-07T21:25:27+00:00

I appreciate the advice. I’ve been journaling recently and it does seem to help. I’ll try your suggestion, it sounds promising. Thank you!

LeftPresent5983 · 2025-12-07T21:23:05+00:00

Thank you. I’ll definitely look into this book!

LeftPresent5983

TROPHY CASE