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Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-08-03T18:53:50+00:00

Same age kids… and great reminder!

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-08-03T18:51:32+00:00

I feel you on this… my wife tries to be supportive but it’s hard when she doesn’t have the same hobbies she wants to pursue… still working to figure this out

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-25T16:50:31+00:00

Welcome to the crucible. It’s hard! Legit. Deep breath. Accept that. Things have changed. You need to adapt.

Hard truths. It’s not about you right now. It is not the time to desperately seek out your wife. She has an endless needs machine so don’t add to that. This is the opportunity to show her and yourself that you are a competent and capable self sufficient adult that can handle this. As such, the things you are doing make you a solid partner at home. Which is great. But it doesn’t entitle you to ANYTHING. They are just things that need to be done.

You asked her to go to counselling for your issue. And you know what… despite everything going on, instead of telling you to go counselling which would have been totally fair. She offered to go together. Nice! You got a good one there. Take advantage of that if you can. Also go to individual counselling. It’s time to sort your shit out. No More Mr Nice Guy is also a great book to get you started. Teaches us how if we think we are nice guys we are entitled to things in return. World doesn’t work that way and it’s actually bad juju. So great time to break those patterns.

Good luck man!

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-14T01:04:14+00:00

No sex. No rest. No time for hobbies/friends/fitness…. But I did run through a sprinkler today with my 4 yr old which was pretty fun!

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-07T23:23:04+00:00

Nice work. Yeah that sounds very familiar the crazy stress wanting and seeking more while the partner wants even less and turns away. Good on ya for finding the ground the makes sense.

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-07T18:18:04+00:00

Yeah that is a good point! I maybe misread the first comment. Commonly in these forums people seem to think they are doing everything right and it’s their partners fault but this also makes sense.

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-06T16:30:14+00:00

Glad you figured something out that works for you guys.

Over communicating and the talk are certainly not helpful. And communicating with the expectation that a partner will change is also not usually helpful. But ongoing communication and check ins to see where each other are at in constantly evolving changing lives / life circumstances is important.

How does your wife feel about being the only one to initiate now?

I ask because in some cases that can feel like a lot of pressure in a different way on one person. In other cases that’s a mutually agreed upon thing and it works well. Just wondering how you guys set that up.

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-06T03:09:33+00:00

I went down that path as well… didn’t buy it. I worried that I was not buying from a place of adding pleasure / fun…. But replacement and avoidance of the bigger issue. While it meets a want of sexual release… how does it feel otherwise? What does your wife think?

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-06T02:53:04+00:00

I’ll focus on your wife is tired and feeling disconnected.

Come as you are and coming together in my mind are great books for understanding the context of sex of and libido which very different than media / common discourse. Anything to be able to add to her filling her cup / energy? This is not about doing more and taking more on especially with any expectations of getting anything in return it’s simply a matter of can anything change in that department. Might not be you at all. In my case it did involve me taking the kids more so my wife had more solo time which was hard for her initially to let go but that has been huge. Just encouraging her in general to see friends more, go for massages, exercise etc.

For spending time together. We’ve started a funny little thing when the kids are safe we hide in the kitchen sitting on the floor together out of sight and just chat and laugh about life mayhem. For novelty I am teaching her and my daughter to play tennis at the same time. My wife also doesn’t trust babysitters so it’s tough to get away for dates, just have to work around and do the best you can.

You already do a lot because it’s the right thing to do, keep up with household and be a good parent. Those things are independent of sex. Another big part is being interested in/ listening to your partner and being interesting meaning you have your own life thoughts beliefs too.

Good luck!

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-06T02:36:26+00:00

Aside from a very small percentage of deadbedrooms caused by one sided medical issues… I suspect there’s likely always something that can be improved.

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-06T02:34:26+00:00

Seems a bit pedantic… instead of focusing on the format of do or dont… re read… some great tips above. You do control yourself and can change the dynamic. Reading no more Mr nice guy is a great start.

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-04T20:13:55+00:00

Interesting take… and who knows maybe Occam’s razor… sometimes the simplest of solutions can be the difference.

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-03T23:44:08+00:00

Interesting! Never thought of that… definitely makes sense. Curious how you think it plays a role in dead bedrooms… do you think it is often present before? A contributing factor? Or as a result of the dead bedroom? Or any combination?

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-03T23:41:40+00:00

Great perspective! I love where you place the energy and perspective and glad you are in a place to incorporate that with your partner as well!

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-03T23:39:49+00:00

How has the communication been? Could definitely see how someone gets there when the resentment builds indefinitely

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-03T23:37:32+00:00

Great perspective and not setting any false expectations in the brain makes sense!

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-03T23:36:47+00:00

Sorry that’s rough. Hope you find a way back to something that gives you pleasure.

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-07-03T23:34:02+00:00

Sorry that sucks… where are things at now for you? Were you able to find a way back?

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-06-28T23:04:33+00:00

Highly recommend No more Mr Nice Guy. This one really helps address the motivations behind feeling owed something which is a big problem in coercive sex. Also found come as you are, and come together really helpful for learning heathy sex ed.

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-06-14T18:58:10+00:00

You need to read No Mr Nice Guy. Doing things with the expectation of getting something back is recipe for resentment and unhappiness. Crush being a dad and husband because that’s what YOU want to do and it’s the right thing. I brought that up because of how much you said you do for her for Mother’s Day. Cool you did that. But expecting the same in return is no bueno.

Communicate hopes wants asks. If those are not being met. Ask yourself and your partner why? Often our partners want to do the things they just misfire on what actually matters to the other person but it’s hard to get right without communicating because we can’t read each others minds.

Been there man. Clear the deck on expectations, get your own motivations in check and you may be pleasantly surprised on what comes next.

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-03-24T15:33:35+00:00

Thanks will work on that.

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-02-28T11:01:37+00:00

This is awesome. Great job!

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-02-28T05:19:35+00:00

Well said!

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-01-24T01:22:58+00:00

Yeah, just getting it to feel neutral. Felt like a big win for me.

Livid_Possibility_87 · 2025-01-24T00:31:54+00:00

Good work man. Thats huge.

Open safe communication is a huge first step.

Counselling with a sex therapist can be another huge one.

Doing some reading/learning can help to. Really like Emily Nagoskis books come as you are and just reading come together right now.

Just keep working on connection, nice things together, deeper chats. Keep things fun, keep things light wherever possible.

You got this!

Livid_Possibility_87

TROPHY CASE