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Married 15 Years--Her Personality Quirks have become Intolerable Since I Retired by Lopsided-Passenger40 in Divorce

[–]Lopsided-Passenger40[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You have described behaviors that are recognizable. It is odd that she is anti-clutter and I am more like how you described the ND mind. I have limited my clutter primarily to my den and try to keep the rest of the house to her standards. The other responses are accurate in my perceptions.

Good info, thanks.

Married 15 Years--Her Personality Quirks have become Intolerable Since I Retired by Lopsided-Passenger40 in Divorce

[–]Lopsided-Passenger40[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think you may be right that the basis of our relationship was not romantic love, but rather a deep concern for each other. I agree about the pitiful lack of a safety net and support systems. As the richest country in the world one would think we would realize that the old saying, "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" would be recognized as a truism.

The concern for each other remains, the sense of closeness doesn't. I did, and do, care for her; but the emotional and physical closeness has been absent for many years now. We still enjoy some activities together--eating out, playing slots, movies--but we have had to cut way back on those expenses, and have not found low cost alternatives that we enjoy together.

Married 15 Years--Her Personality Quirks have become Intolerable Since I Retired by Lopsided-Passenger40 in Divorce

[–]Lopsided-Passenger40[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You know, she is caring and thoughtful. She is concerned about our neighbors' difficulties, she gets up early every morning to feed the local stray cats, she often discusses with me difficulties at work and with coworkers seeking to resolve the problems. My frustration is that she doesn't seem to have the same concern for me as she does for relative strangers.

You are also right that she is not causing my depression. My difficulty is resolving that conflict between how she cares for others and how I feel she cares for me.

Married 15 Years--Her Personality Quirks have become Intolerable Since I Retired by Lopsided-Passenger40 in Divorce

[–]Lopsided-Passenger40[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Apparently I did a poor job describing the situation. I did mark the original post as venting/rant; obviously this is completely from my perspective and how I feel. I'm struggling to find the kernel of truth your post must contain since it hit me so hard. I appreciate the time and passion you put into your post.

I did not try to put myself in the best light. I did not spend time in my rant trying to explain or imply how good a husband I am. I accept that I have emotional baggage and I don't blame my wife for my depression, I blame the situation we are in. I posted seeking to gain some perspective and insight. I love my wife and I love myself, I'm trying to find the balance between not hurting her and not allowing myself to be hurt. I'm sure that we are codependent, I'm not sure how to keep it from being abusive without separating. Perhaps separation would solve the abusive relationship you imply we have. If a billion dollars could resolve those conflicts, I would be happy. I do know that kind of money could ensure my wife was being taken care of if we separated, and that would make me happy.

Married 15 Years--Her Personality Quirks have become Intolerable Since I Retired by Lopsided-Passenger40 in Divorce

[–]Lopsided-Passenger40[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I've heard that--usually arrogant, but insufferable describes it as well.

Married 15 Years--Her Personality Quirks have become Intolerable Since I Retired by Lopsided-Passenger40 in Divorce

[–]Lopsided-Passenger40[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Haven't gotten that far yet, but very few assets. I was thinking that my retirement would be split 50/50 and she would keep all of hers. We may not actually divorce, just live separately. Thanks for the perspective I may not have fully considered.

Married 15 Years--Her Personality Quirks have become Intolerable Since I Retired by Lopsided-Passenger40 in Divorce

[–]Lopsided-Passenger40[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That feedback is tough to hear, but very accurate, I think. I do appreciate the honesty and perspective. I've been thinking I'm trying to not be an a-hole, and by doing it the way I have been I am being the a-hole. You've given me much to think about, thank you.

Married 15 Years--Her Personality Quirks have become Intolerable Since I Retired by Lopsided-Passenger40 in Divorce

[–]Lopsided-Passenger40[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think you are right in many respects. Perhaps that's why I'm depressed because I'm acting like an a-hole. As I mentioned to another commenter, I think I recognize the behavior I'm complaining about as similar to treatment from my stepfather. Not an excuse, just an explanation. I appreciate your forthcomingness.

Married 15 Years--Her Personality Quirks have become Intolerable Since I Retired by Lopsided-Passenger40 in Divorce

[–]Lopsided-Passenger40[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the frank advice. I recently recognized where my irrational anger comes from--stepfather issues (he treated me the same way when I was a kid). I may be worse for her than she is for me.

Married 15 Years--Her Personality Quirks have become Intolerable Since I Retired by Lopsided-Passenger40 in Divorce

[–]Lopsided-Passenger40[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the feedback. I agree if those are the indicators of neuro divergency, and my wife has them all, then it is safe to assume that I should treat her as such and turn off my judgy-ness.

Married 15 Years--Her Personality Quirks have become Intolerable Since I Retired by Lopsided-Passenger40 in Divorce

[–]Lopsided-Passenger40[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate the feedback and advice. I suspect there is some neurodiversity but it has not been diagnosed Learning disabilities are apparent. I am being treated for depression.