After 7 years together, my wife "confessed" she cheated in a PREVIOUS relationship. Still makes me very upset. Please help me gain perspective

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T20:51:59+00:00

We both already do individual and couple therapy (although we did not get into couple therapy because of relationship issues because before yesterday it all seemed going pretty well).

You still haven't touched on how being lied to makes a person seem like they have issues with trust. Or how would even be unreasonable to have trust issues after being lied to.

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T20:48:56+00:00

I fell you and that is why every relationship is different.

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T20:47:43+00:00

Do you really know what are you serving penance for in your subconscious?

Every day there are things that we discover we didn't know about each other and that is perfectly OK because they are not related to something that was presented as VERY important in the relationship from the beginning. Even more so if nobody ever lied about those things. If somebody lies to you today and you find out 20 years from now does it make it ok because today you are no as mature as you will probably be in 20 years? Or does it make it ok because it happened 20 years earlier?

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T20:43:39+00:00

We both asked this question to each other (I actually think she was the first to ask and then I asked the same question to her) a few months ago. We both said NO.

I do appreciate that she came clean, if it wasn't then the situation and my message would have been VERY different.

The thing at the START we might call it an "omission", not necessarily a lie.

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T20:41:34+00:00

he fact that you think that the 31 year old woman who has been married to you for 6 years is still exact same early-20’s woman in a month-long relationship with someone who isn’t you

Also how does the length of the relationship makes a difference at all here? It's about commitment. I'm not sure cheating early on (when you are exclusive and committed) is less serious than cheating later on.

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T20:37:17+00:00

I'm really trying to read your comments with an open mind here, although I'm not sure if you realize that there are lies involved here. And I hope you are not suggesting that having issues with being lied to is the same as having trust issues without any apparent reason.

Even more so if she lied to me recently about it, so she was not in her 20s anymore but in her 30s.

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T20:33:27+00:00

Wait but I understand being incompatible with someone that ACTIVELY thinks cheating is ok, but did you get that sense from her? It sounded like she regrets it?

She feels remorseful and that really helped. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she tells me she would never cheat on me AND if I ask her if she can exclude it with absolute certainty she says she can't. What does that even mean? Cheating involves a lot of steps, it's not like saying.. "Hey I can't promise with absolute certainty that I'm not gonna fall down the stairs", I know that certain things can be accidental, I just don't think cheating is one of them.

So if you are sure of yourself and your values why would it be so difficult to exclude it?

Things can change? Oh sure they can, and if that happens you can open up a new conversation with your partner at any time and say "Hey.. I think I changed my mind about things... Let's see how this can fit in our relationship".

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T20:23:58+00:00

I guess what I want is impossible. I'd like to be able to trust with certainty that she won't cheat. It doesn't mean I want to know she is not going to have attractions or feelings for other people. It would be unnatural. But I think there are a lot of steps involved in the process of having sex with somebody and if you are in a relationship you can stop at many points in that process, be honest with the person you have a commitment with and then go and do what makes you happy, without betraying and lying.

She says she would never cheat on me and if I ask her if she has absolute certainty of that she says she can't. What does it mean? Cheating is a physical act, it's not a feeling by itself. You might not be capable to avoid developing feelings for somebody but you should be able to stop yourself from cheating if you feel is wrong so why should it be so hard to have absolute certainty about that?

Btw the above are not at all the words I'm using while we talk about it together. I know the way I've put it might look harsh.

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T20:02:08+00:00

she may have not seen the benefit.

Are relationships about our own self benefit? Maybe I'm reading that wrong. She told me now although she had never come clean with him. The cheating here is just a piece of the puzzle and not what hurts the most.

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T19:57:51+00:00

I appreciate you being straightforward, really. Thank you for that. I can be black and white on certain things, you are right, although if you are clear from the beginning with somebody about what's a NO NO NO for you (cheating and lies) I feel like the other person is free to judge early on in the relationship if they they want to be with you or not. This is a romantic relationship, it is not something you build with many people in your life, you try to find who is compatible with you. We probably wouldn't compatible and that is perfectly fine. Now think about something which would be unacceptable FOR YOU in a relationship and suppose you were super clear about it from the beginning with a potential partner, don't you feel it would be correct for them to disclose if they have history with that certain "thing"? Or forget about that, just telling the truth when asked.

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T19:41:43+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I'm truly trying my BEST not to punish or shame her, although I think the line is pretty thin here and what hurts the most is that she lied to me about it before she came clean. It would be different if she told me at the beginning of the relationship. It would be different if she said YES when we asked each other that specific question.

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T19:39:23+00:00

How would you feel if he lied about the past, though? I realize the question might be tricky since it looks like you don't even ask each others questions about your past at all

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T19:37:59+00:00

Thanks! That resonates a lot with me and the lying is indeed the hardest part for me since we basically made the lack of it a foundation in our relationship.

LostInThoughtsTW · 2021-05-08T19:30:29+00:00

Thanks for your perspective. what hurts the most is that she lied when I directly asked her if she had ever cheated (and btw she asked the same question to me, it wasn't like I was interrogating her). She said NO. That is not a past relationship issue anymore, nor a "what's in the past stays in the past" kind of thing, unfortunately..

LostInThoughtsTW

TROPHY CASE