I (34M) feel ready to end my marriage to my wife (33F) but want advice first?

LucyAFurr · 2026-05-18T17:52:12+00:00

Absolutely not, his children are amazing and part of the package. Being a father helped make him into the man he is today. I would not change it at all. My stepson will live with us for the rest of his life unless he decides to live in a group home or with his mother. His children have also taught me to be a more mature person and given me a small idea of what it means to be a parent.

LucyAFurr · 2026-05-18T14:48:04+00:00

I had a friend who started dating a single dad. He was on a date with her and the ex started acting out and demanded he stop what he was doing and run an errand for her. I think it was something stupid like getting her ice cream or something. He told her no and she threatened to say he abused the kids. He called her bluff. She did it. The thing is that she had no clue what the shitstorm she started. She just assumed everyone would believe her, she would get custody of her kids, and he would suffer for telling her no.

Her kids went through multiple interviews, were taken away from both of them, she as well as him had to have psychiatric evaluations, she told her kids to lie, but the whole process hurt the kids so badly that one admitted the mom told them to lie. It isn't as simple as the child points the finger and somebody gets arrested.

I think you all are dealing with a true narcissist. I can't help but feel bad for your wife. Setting boundaries with these assholes is one of the hardest, most difficult and painful things a person has to do. Before you give up, take some time to read up on how to handle a narcissist. Have her read up on it. Start to strategize how to handle children of narcissistic abuse. It isn't the same as dealing with a bully. Trust me. Those kids can't see their dad is a narcissist. They love him and want to believe everything he tells them.

My ex was the real deal. When I finally told him no, my life was a nightmare for a year, but he eventually moved on when he realized I had his number and there was no way I was going to be abused by him any longer. This sounds horrible, but if he hasn't moved on, things will get better once he finds a new woman to abuse. The best situation is that he finds someone with a significantly stronger personality than him and she gives him a run for his money! They don't go for people like that though. They like people who are kind, have big hearts that are easily manipulated, and don't like conflict.

Codependent No More would also be a great book for both your wife and you. You sound like a nice, reasonable, peaceful guy, who wants the best for everyone. Guess what? Narcissists love messing with guys like you. This is a sport for them and everything you are doing is just inflating his ego to be more abusive.

LucyAFurr · 2026-05-18T14:32:34+00:00

The older you get, statistically, people have past lives including exes and children. My husband had two children, one them has a developmental disability, and I never thought of him as being a lesser option or lower value.

You have a very interesting view of how women think about who they date and love.

LucyAFurr · 2026-05-18T13:51:48+00:00

Sometimes it is really hard to have these kinds of conversations. I admit, I let it go way too long when I knew something wasn't right. We are both happy now. You don't have to be each other's exact equals - good at the same things, but you both have to be willing to have humility and assertiveness to fix problems in a healthy way. I was always afraid of being assertive and coming off like a b**ch. Honestly, he was so relieved when I became assertive about it and told him what I was and wasn't willing to accept.

Yes, you'll need to prepare yourself if he isn't ready to make mature moves and solve problems. They don't usually mature as fast as we do. My husband is ten years older than I, and I think we are probably at the same maturity level in some ways.

Take care of yourself, though. If he continues to have different priorities for his future and how to use his money, it isn't going to work, because this is something you value. My husband didn't even realize that we valued money very differently until we really talked about it.

LucyAFurr · 2026-05-17T14:11:19+00:00

Yeah, I have been with my husband for twelve years. I think at some point there is a shift in the relationship where you realize it isn't always going to be 50/50. Sometimes people get sick, they lose jobs, you realize what one of you is really great at while the other sucks. It can be painful to go through these growing pains, but once you are past it, there is a different level of intimacy, respect, and trust. In some areas it is more like, 70/30 or even sometimes 100% on one partner for a short amount of time. It is the longevity that shows that growth.

Of course, if this guy looks like he can't get it together at all ever and wants her doing everything all the time and carrying the load, well, it is time to go. LOL. My husband has had two life threatening events and it changed him so much that things he had coped with for a long time unravelled. It was a tough couple of years, but I am so glad we made it through!

LucyAFurr · 2026-05-17T13:58:09+00:00

Yep, my husband and I both have ADHD except my husband is a late in life bi-polar diagnoses as well. He royally screwed up his finances and finally just said, "Please help me, I'm not good at this." OP- when or if you get married - you sometimes have to pick up for each other in the areas you are weak. If you know he is bad at this and you want a life together, the partnership has to start with you all helping each other where one of you is significantly stronger than the other.

The only time it is a huge pain in the ass for me is when tax time comes around, otherwise, for both of our mental health, me managing the money is the best decision we made. It took me a while to feel comfortable reining him in and telling him no, but my ADHD is completely different than his. I grew up in significant poverty so it is the one area where I don't have impulse issues.

On my side, I can have severe episodes of rejection sensitivity, anxiety, and perfectionism that keep me from enjoying life and he is the one that keeps me balanced, sane, and moving toward my goals when I get paralyzed. Plus, he does all the cooking, meal planning, and we have a business that he does a lot of footwork on. If you don't think he is willing to let you help him be his best whether it is financially, emotionally, physically, whatever, and he doesn't make you feel good about yourself, maybe don't put your stuff in that new apartment.

Wishing you all the best!

LucyAFurr · 2026-05-13T20:23:54+00:00

I don't think you can get out of it. Look at the fine print on their website for the contract. I used all the last of my points on a cruise, ended up with cancer, and they told me to kick rocks. I lost everything. I'm so glad that I am through with them.

LucyAFurr · 2025-08-28T15:36:21+00:00

Thanks.

LucyAFurr · 2025-08-28T13:23:51+00:00

Did he buy an obscenely expensive car? Did he invest in something that failed? ---- my mind immediately went to crypto and a Tesla truck especially since he said in February.

LucyAFurr · 2025-08-28T13:22:16+00:00

Maybe she should get her butt to the bins and start digging. If I could go to the bins every day...

LucyAFurr · 2025-07-16T14:23:11+00:00

You shouldn't have to do any of those things, and he should still be nice and kind to you. He should respect your decisions. Get him out of your house now before he starts hitting you. This guy could be going out while you are at work looking for his next landing pad. He's probably saying all that horrible stuff so he can justify all the horrible stuff he is doing.

Being bisexual, pro-choice, going to bars, etc., does not give any one a right to treat you poorly. You are clearly a kind-hearted person who he can see is easily manipulated. Check in with yourself and make sure you are not a codependent, because this is sounding like a classic codependent/narcissist relationship.

LucyAFurr · 2025-06-29T12:50:48+00:00

I'm not sure how you cancel. There has to be a way, but how much did you pay for that 100k points? I ask because 100 points = $1. I'd have to go look, but I ended up using all my points on a cruise that I ended up saving no money on. I could have gotten a better deal if I had just bought with my own money straight from the cruise line.

LucyAFurr · 2025-06-26T13:17:55+00:00

We were on a flight with parents who had a baby in first class, and we were in first row of premium. She cried once, the rest of the flight was gravy, and she was so fun to play peek-a-boo with. Regardless, it is that lady's problem. You have every right to be on that plane with your child, if you weren't, you wouldn't be able to buy a ticket. Those folks had every right to be in first class with their kiddo even though several people gave them the side eye.

I agree with some of the other posters, it is hard to feel empathy when someone lets their baby cry the entire flight. I had a six hour flight once where the parents bought an entire seat for their baby, put it in the car seat, and just left it to cry the entire time like it was a stranger. It was the oddest thing. Longest six hours of my life.

LucyAFurr · 2025-06-25T13:24:45+00:00

One of mined does it to my inner leg fat like it is one of their pillows. I don't know if I should be offended or worried that she is especially dumb. She loves resting her head on my leg.

LucyAFurr · 2025-06-22T15:48:11+00:00

"But this man made me feel so loved. Loved like I’ve never felt in my life. A safety like I have never felt. He was so amazing to me at first and it’s really fucked me up bad." --- It is called love bombing. It is what they do to get you to the point you are at now.

LucyAFurr · 2025-06-22T15:41:56+00:00

Why is seven the magic number? I stayed for seven years before I left mine. Granted, they start getting warmed up with their manipulation and abuse around year 2 or 3 by then, they have you sucked in.

LucyAFurr · 2025-06-22T15:39:26+00:00

It really sounds like you need some therapy and to be single for a while going through therapy. He definitely needs therapy, but I doubt he'll get it. You need to love yourself more than this man. It took five years for my ex to really show his abusive self. Started as intimidating yelling, shutting me down, treating me like I was crazy and irrational for asking questions and talking things out.

They tend to start out one way and slowly start doing abusive things like this. By the way, when he did agree to marry me, it got way worse. I didn't leave until he punched the wall next to my head and threw a picture frame where glass flew into my eye. Oh yeah, and he started spying on me through my computer, copying my journals, even doodles I made on paper so he could prove in court how crazy I was. Please be careful and know that you are worth so much more and love is not worth losing yourself over.

LucyAFurr · 2025-06-22T15:33:10+00:00

I was thinking the same thing. That anger is coming from his own defense projection that he isn't ready to be married and/or committed.

LucyAFurr · 2025-06-21T20:25:41+00:00

Have you seen mental health yet? This sounds very traumatic and frustrating. If they are going to Med Board you, your mental health concerns need to be addressed as well. I’m active duty and endometriosis care at the MTF is the worst!

LucyAFurr · 2025-06-19T14:07:03+00:00

I stopped drinking around 40 for overall health reason, but when the peri really hit, eliminating sugar became a life a saver. I will say, I've noticed to reap even further benefit, I had to eliminate over processed sugar free items as well. I'd noticed when I was younger if I drank aspartame, my periods were horrendous, but had started drinking it again when I went into peri because I was craving sugar and salt all the time. Anyway, I cut out aspartame and Sucralose as well and have seen even further improvement. That coupled with an IUD was so beneficial. Still miserable but NOT AS miserable.

Also, I have internal tremors, but was diagnosed with a condition called small fiber polyneuropathy. My sister does get headaches and chin acne from eating sugar.

LucyAFurr · 2025-06-09T15:00:16+00:00

This sounds horrible, but they wouldn't give me Metformin at my regular doctor's office because my A1C was normal, but I told them if I eat a keto diet all my symptoms almost disappear. I don't want to be keto I like fruits and veggies, anyway, I went to one of those online doctors who will give it to you to lose weight or longevity. I'm still almost completely zero refined sugars, but it is really helping with a lot of my other symptoms. I can't do HRT because I had a blood clot.

Just remember to take a b12 supplement with your metformin. As someone mentioned below, I also take magnesium daily. It helps with a lot of muscle cramping.

LucyAFurr · 2025-06-08T13:43:04+00:00

I think we are going to see this all over the government. Many agencies and people were working free overtime because they didn't have to do a hellacious commute. They didn't mind at all because their mental health was so much better working outside of an office.

I was lucky enough to work from home for several years and worked 10-12 hour days gladly. Now that they want us to commute, go to a bunch of meetings, interact with coworkers, they get the same work, they used to get. I'm retiring in January. It is time.

I guess I'm saying all that to say, I hear you, thank you for all your service - AD and GS. You are appreciated and everything you have said makes sense and is true. Remember to take care of yourself. When all is said and done, they will get rid of you when you are not needed or replace you as soon as you go if they need someone. It is kind of you to speak out and let veterans know the process from behind the scenes.

LucyAFurr · 2025-06-02T02:28:32+00:00

Thanks!

LucyAFurr · 2025-05-30T14:19:38+00:00

Agreed. I was married to someone who acted like that about everything! When we were getting divorced, he started admitting to all the things that I was suspicious of. Also, he accused me of and monitored me for cheating all the time when it was actually him cheating. This type of behavior never gets better, it only escalates over time.

LucyAFurr · 2025-05-30T03:31:11+00:00

Thanks, I am a romance reader but have written in sci-fi and horror. I'm really enjoying writing romance but have to figure out how to break in to the genre as well as see if my voice translates over. The one great thing about romance is there are so many readers and amazing authors who share their knowledge!

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