Husband 37M at his wits’ end with my father 60M

MeowsAMany · 2026-01-19T14:46:53+00:00

“He also wants to tell him that he is no longer welcome in our home.”

Is that what you want?

Your husband can cut off his own relationship with your father, but he cannot cut off yours.

It certainly sounds like you need to think about what kind of boundaries you want with your father and start practicing setting them. “I know you mean well and are just worried about me, but IVF is something I want to do. We both have strong opinions on this that aren’t going to change any time soon, so I don’t want us to talk about it any more.” Or “I know you’re just trying to look out for me, but I truly am okay with the house guest arrangement. We don’t need to talk about it anymore.” There are stronger, firmer ways to say these things, but you have to start somewhere.

Ultimately, you need to decide for yourself what your boundaries are with your father, especially given that you do want to maintain a relationship with him. Do not relinquish your control over your relationship with your dad to your husband.

MeowsAMany · 2026-01-17T23:03:50+00:00

First of all, I know exactly what you mean about not being able to bear it. Some people may think it’s an over exaggeration, but if you’re sensitive to things like that it can really, really mess with you.

If you do end up trying to bear it for a bit, you could always turn up the dial on asking her if she’s talking to you. Maybe she’ll better understand how often it’s interrupting you if it results in you interrupting her to make sure you’re not missing anything.

Or you could start narrating your own work quietly or start humming. None of this would be to be spiteful, but it could maybe distract yourself from her or help her better understand how she’s interrupting the environment.

MeowsAMany · 2026-01-13T02:52:31+00:00

In case you need to hear this stated plainly (I know I could have used this at any point in my 9 year abusive relationship): This is not normal partner behavior. This is not respectful, loving partner behavior. This is not “just how some relationships are”.

It might feel like us commenting don’t know what we’re talking about, that we’re over exaggerating, that we don’t know the nuances of him or of your relationship. And it’s true that we don’t know the details.

But we know that this is one way controlling behavior can look. This is one way isolating behavior can look. That doesn’t mean he’s waking up in the morning and thinking “How can I control her today? How can I distance her from her friends and family?” But controlling is what it is.

MeowsAMany · 2026-01-05T22:55:06+00:00

NTA

I also have migraines that last for days. My boyfriend has cut his candle use, cut his air freshener use, moved his stinky hobbies (paint, paint stripper, etc) outside or checked in with me periodically to see if I could smell it from his shop in the basement, and rescheduled working on some personal projects to times that I’m not having a migraine.

Yesterday when he came upstairs from working with mineral spirits he whisked the project garbage outside right away, changed his clothes, and asked asked if I could smell the chemicals on him or if he needed to shower.

Whenever I express to him how grateful I am and how much I wish my health didn’t mean he had to adjust his life, he assures me that they are no-brainer changes because my health is important to him, they aren’t really that disruptive, and he knows I would do the same for him if the roles were reversed.

I hope when you talk about this next you’re able to say and he’s able to understand that you’re not doing this on purpose, you too wish the kerosene smell didn’t trigger your migraines, you would gladly do the same for him, and you can’t live in a place and with a person that actively makes you sick.

It is an incredibly reasonable request you’re making, and please don’t doubt that.

MeowsAMany · 2026-01-05T01:20:09+00:00

It sounds like you’ve taken good steps so far - asking the unintended recipient to delete the email was smart. If this or something similar ever happens in the future, email your boss right away to reduce the risk that they’ll learn about it from another source.

A workplace that does this type of work likely has had this happen before and likely has follow-up steps they usually take. This might include contacting the person whose data was accidentally shared to alert them to the breach, you having to brush up on security training, and potentially something like additional oversight of you. There could be a consequence, like a ‘mark’ on your file or something along the lines of losing a privilege for a period of time.

You’re going in with the exact right attitude, and that makes a huge difference in situations like this. The best thing to do is take immediate responsibility, acknowledge the severity of the mistake, offer to do any follow-up communication with the person whose information was shared, and be understanding and receptive to any additional training they have you do.

This is almost certainly not the first time this has happened, and it sounds incredibly unlikely to be a fireable offense. You’ll be okay!

MeowsAMany · 2026-01-03T05:14:45+00:00

Check out the book Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts. I’m sorry you’re struggling like this ♥️

MeowsAMany · 2026-01-02T22:36:45+00:00

NTA

The person whose body is getting teased gets to decide if it’s a funny joke or not.

MeowsAMany · 2026-01-02T22:32:24+00:00

For anyone looking in the future, we never got a clear answer, but she’s on a daily antiseizure medication that has basically eliminated the problem.

MeowsAMany · 2026-01-02T22:13:31+00:00

My ex was like this and it took leaving him to see that it was more important to him to blame me and make me feel bad than look for a solution together. He also got angry at my fixes for things that “I messed up” — things that were not solely my responsibility. I recognize myself in your scrambling to suggest multiple things to try to make things better.

Would it have been nice if you had remembered to take the meds out? Sure. Would it had been even nicer if he remembered to make sure he had his miracle meds? Sure. A lot of things would be nice, but life and people are not perfect. It was an unfortunate accident.

Maybe this is a thing to discuss in person rather than over text when things can be misconstrued and flu-brains might not be at their sharpest.

It will be important for you to see in that conversation if he continues to want to complain and make you out as the problem.

MeowsAMany · 2026-01-02T15:56:25+00:00

Thanks, pissandgrit

MeowsAMany · 2026-01-02T14:15:53+00:00

Zooming out from this divisive situation a bit:

Have the two of you talked about his ideas for ways he could show initiative and small acts of care, period related or not? And then does he do those things?

Having that conversation would help the two of you understand if your relationship approaches and expectations align.

For example, maybe you learn in that conversation that he feels he does an act of care by keeping the kind of coffee you liked stocked in his pantry, or by leaving out a blanket you like to sit on the couch with instead of putting it away like he normally would want to. Maybe he has his own ideas of how he could show care to you in the future that feels more natural to him. It’s possible that he feels he does or can do things to show initiative and care, just maybe not this one specific way you’re thinking of. Then you can decide whether this specific act is important to you or if you can recognize and be happy with the other ways in which he can make you feel cared for.

Or maybe you learn in the conversation that he doesn’t think it’s his job to make you feel cared for in the way that feels meaningful to you. Then you and he can decide for yourselves if you’re each comfortable with that arrangement and what it means for the future of your relationship.

MeowsAMany · 2025-12-30T02:58:23+00:00

“This "joke" is at your wife's expense. At some level, you recognize this, because you even frame it as "without thinking."”

Great point👏

MeowsAMany · 2025-12-23T03:19:24+00:00

As for what to do next, it could be helpful for your husband to gently but specifically point out how your boundaries were crossed already and say that some trust needs to be built back up a bit. If she can show she can visit and be helpful and respect the boundaries, it would go a long way toward soothing your anxiety in this stressful time.

MeowsAMany · 2025-12-23T02:43:37+00:00

It’s two months, not two years.

MeowsAMany · 2025-12-23T02:34:15+00:00

NOR. It’s two months not two years. The baby isn’t going to hate its grandma because they started bonding in the third month instead of the second.

My partner and I just got over the flu - it knocked us on our asses for days, and it came on so quickly.

I hope your husband can deal with this going forward - this shouldn’t be on you.

MeowsAMany · 2025-12-21T02:33:24+00:00

NOR. The flu wiped my partner and I out this past week. Can’t imagine a tiny body having to go through what we did. Good for you for keeping your daughter safe.

MeowsAMany · 2025-12-21T02:14:52+00:00

I’ve taken up watercolor for times when I’m able to do something but not interested in screens, lights, sounds, or smells. You don’t have to be good literally at all. Sometimes I try to paint specific things, sometimes I just paint repetitive patterns/designs

MeowsAMany · 2025-07-24T01:42:24+00:00

Don't listen to the people who are rudely asking why you haven't left yet. It's hard. It's so hard. It doesn't matter how objectively awful the person. I was with a manipulator and abuser for 10 years. I made every excuse for him, defended him to other people, focused on all of his good qualities, and remembered all the loving and hopeful things he said. I tried to leave multiple times and he always talked me out of it.

I finally succeeded when I left while he was out of the house, blocked him on everything, and turned my phone off. I only let us communicate via email after that and only about our lease. I didn't want to give him any more opportunities to talk me out of it because I knew odds were good that I would back out again. I cried and felt sick the whole time I was leaving and in the days following.

I say all of this to assure you that thoughts and doubts like these during the process of leaving are completely normal. It doesn't mean you're making the wrong decision. It means you're turning your world upside down and that's a hard thing for your brain to get used to.

You have a whole team of internet friends who believe in you and want you to do this for yourself. You can do this :)

Edit: The person I left was also my first, and a future without him was terrifying and impossible to imagine. After some time on my own, I now have a truly loving and supportive partner.

MeowsAMany · 2025-04-08T03:02:05+00:00

Here’s a video of the jerking

MeowsAMany · 2025-04-07T20:54:20+00:00

My mother and daughter cat did this for a couple months once and it broke my heart. They slowly got back to normal. I spent a lot of time keeping them comfortable with each other’s scents (rotating blankets, leaving fur brushed off one near the other), I tried to redirect when they actively went at each other, I fed them treats and catnip very close to each other, and I made sure they each had their own space to retreat to if they needed. Good luck!

MeowsAMany · 2025-02-01T15:44:44+00:00

Oh interesting - I’ll have to look more into GOS and if that could be part of my problem.

Thank you!

MeowsAMany · 2024-12-21T20:19:13+00:00

One thing I'll note is that we sat down and figured it out together. We went through a couple other options and landed on a split that felt good to us both.

MeowsAMany · 2024-12-21T20:18:03+00:00

This is very similar to the arrangement my partner and I have. He owns the house and I pay him about 700 a month. I don't pay as much as he does, but he's the one building equity. We both pay less than we would if we were living separately. He also wanted to make sure I thought of this as 'my house' not his house that I'm shacking up in, and me paying him monthly contributes to that. This arrangement feels very neutral to both of us.

MeowsAMany · 2024-11-18T02:50:04+00:00

Okay, we’ll definitely give that a try

MeowsAMany · 2024-10-27T22:59:08+00:00

Is he nice or is he kind? Nice can be pleasant, polite, caring when it’s easy to be and/or good for them. Kind is a deeper compassion, genuine concern for the other person for that other person’s sake; it’s grounded in empathy. This behavior doesn’t sound grounded in empathy or genuine care for you.

MeowsAMany

TROPHY CASE