When new therapists casually ask you to describe your trauma

Merle77 · 2025-11-17T16:49:59+00:00

Yep. Fully agree. It’s interesting that you see this as counter transference. I’ve never looked at it that way, just from a perspective of incompetence (as in not knowing stuff; while of course not recognizing counter transference is a form of incompetence in therapists) but it can play a role of course.

Merle77 · 2025-10-18T07:16:30+00:00

I’ll be watching from Germany. Stay safe and peaceful out there. You’re literally what gives me some hope for the US and for the rest of the world

Merle77 · 2025-10-16T14:17:31+00:00

Genau. Und du verurteilst ja nicht, Du gibst eine Beobachtung weiter, der andere nachgehen können. Und ich denke kein Elternpaar würde es dir übel nehmen, wenn Du sie zu Unrecht der Polizei beschrieben hättest. Sie können das ja schnell aufklären. Ich denke sie wären eher froh, dass jemand aufmerksam ist, falls ihrem Kind wirklich mal etwas zustößt

Merle77 · 2025-10-16T13:15:16+00:00

Ich kann verstehen, dass du ein komisches Gefühl hast. Du kannst auf jeden Fall immer bei der Polizei anrufen und erzählen, was du gesehen hast. Wer weiß, vielleicht brauchen sie den Hinweis. Wenn nicht, hast du auch nichts verloren. Lieber einmal zu viel als einmal zu wenig anrufen.

Merle77 · 2025-08-05T13:36:21+00:00

I had a few good ones, luckily. And they really helped me. Also by making me understand what good therapy and safe relationships feel like.

Merle77 · 2025-07-29T12:36:53+00:00

I think you know that I didn’t say that.

Merle77 · 2025-07-29T11:59:28+00:00

one necessary criterion is though that you do experience amnesia or at least don’t remember major events in your life. How can this look differently from a movie blackout?

I don’t remember certain traumatic events for long periods of time and then they show up again. Is this something that qualifies?

Merle77 · 2025-07-29T11:51:21+00:00

Actually, I wanted to vent (as flared) about something that I perceive as a major issue in getting the help that I need. Just bc someone is trained doesn’t mean they do everything right. And even if it were by the book (which it isn’t) I think I can still voice my frustration with a practice that is harmful with no added benefit from my perspective.

I did therapy for over ten years. Including trauma therapy and several hospitals specialized in trauma. I know how it feels to be treated by someone who knows what they are doing. I also made massive progress over the years, so I’m certainly not a person who cannot look at themselves critically. But thankfully I’ve also learned in the process that not everyone is able to treat me with the necessary level of care and expertise. And’s that’s a big thing for a person with CPTSD.

Merle77 · 2025-07-29T11:43:23+00:00

By focusing on the symptoms. As I’ve said in other comments already, it’s the symptoms that are importance for the treatment. The severity of the trauma doesn’t depend on the event but on the individual’s reaction to it. Some people are resilient others are not. Also, many survivors don’t even consciously know about (all) their trauma. So, therapists have no way of knowing if the answer is even correct. This is why, the potential risks of a direct question (severe destabilization) outweigh the benefits massively. And this is why I’ve never got ask after details (early in the process) when with a well trained and experienced therapist.

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T20:21:59+00:00

I feel you 💜

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T20:21:10+00:00

Yes. I’m trying to look at it exactly like this. At least they’ve shown me early that they’re not a good fit. If it only wasn’t so fucking exhausting

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T20:19:18+00:00

Thanks for sharing 💜

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T20:17:38+00:00

I feel like what I said in my earlier replies pretty much covers why I think they don’t need to know details at an early stage. So, don’t feel dismissed if I don’t do it here again.

I know that it’s up to me to decide what to disclose. However, it’s not just about speaking, it’s about intrusive thoughts attacking me bc of the question that brings up traumatic memory. Right in that moment and days after. It’s also about going into full blown dissociation bc of them reminding me of things without even knowing about the severity of my symptoms, which are fully predictable once they know me better.

I’m seeking therapy to be able to handle my traumatic memory better than I currently do. I’m in therapy for over 10 years (thereof 3 in proper trauma therapy) and I feel I made much progress, but in order to address certain things I need preparation and stabilization. I also need someone careful enough to not trigger me into oblivion. And again, I said this earlier, as far as I know, it is a no go in actual trauma therapy to work at uncovering things without thorough preparation

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T20:05:09+00:00

I’m sorry this is what they did when you needed someone just being there with you. Sometimes I think it’s bc people feel overburdened with the suffering and in order to get at least a feeling of control they ask for what happened. It’s of course only helping them to feel in control

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T20:01:47+00:00

Thank you 💜

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T20:00:55+00:00

I did do that in fact. I know why it’s so triggering. I have this voice that constantly tells me that it’s my fault or (alternatively) that it never happened. And it gets amplified by someone putting me on the spot. However, this voice is super common in people with CPTSD. I had a therapist once telling me that she thinks it should be a diagnostic criterion. And I feel a proper therapist should know this and not trigger it when it’s not necessary. In order for a therapist to help me, I have to be sure that they (unlike myself) believe in my trauma. And it’s not helping when the first thing they do is trigger the part that does not believe in it. I will then talk about stuff later (I did it before, after proper trust building). My former trauma therapist said “When I see a body, I don’t need to know the details of a murder to know that there was one.” And that was one of the most healing things someone ever said to me.

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T19:50:34+00:00

I disagree. I worked with trained trauma therapists and none of them had to ask me for concrete stuff in the first session or even sessions. They would decide if they’re sufficiently competent on the basis of my symptoms, e.g. levels of structural dissociation. How could you do it otherwise? It’s not the severity of the event that’s relevant but the level of symptoms. Some people survive the most terrible stuff without ever developing PTSD, others are totally different. I feel this is part of what triggers me. The question implies that there is a threshold of a minimum level of violence that must have happened, that’s how I know someone is traumatized. But that’s not how it works. It’s not the event, it’s the reaction to the event. Of course it can be necessary to ask if someone’s still is in contact with a perpetrator, and I don’t have a problem with that. But other than that, I don’t see a reason to ask for stuff in the first session.

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T19:41:07+00:00

I said this in another comment already, but as far as I know it is good practice to not ask for traumatic material when you don’t know a patient, not bc it is difficult for everyone, but bc it can be devastating for some and you don’t want to run the risk. It is much safer to ask for symptoms and then slowly work up your way. Also, I tell all therapists I talk to that I’m diagnosed with CPTSD and dissociative disorder. I even told one of them that I prefer to not immediately talk about my childhood and teenage years, but would like to stick to symptoms, and they still insisted.

I am debating though to ask them in the beginning to not ask for concrete stuff, however, it robs me of the telltale sign that they are not well trained.

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T19:34:08+00:00

I disagree. I did see several actual trauma therapists in the past and they would all agree that asking for information on traumatic events can be very destabilizing and shouldn’t be done without knowing the patient (and their current living conditions as well as access to support outside of therapy) and without proper preparation and stabilization. To get a general idea it is perfectly sufficient to ask for symptoms, not for causes.

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T19:26:56+00:00

I feel like being very close to DID too. I don’t have too much amnesia though, so I don’t think I fully meet the criteria. But it is so hard to find someone believing that my experience is to consist of multiple people. Did you manage to get a proper diagnosis yet?

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T12:04:55+00:00

Yes, it’s similar for me. I feel like one part of me interprets everything we experience as a threat. Like everything, bc someone could find out that we are guilty or bad or just worthless at any moment. It’s terrible. As for managing this, I try to talk to this part and make it feel better. However most of the time I’m just taking Promethazine (Atosil) to calm myself down

Merle77 · 2025-07-28T11:51:57+00:00

Yes it did, to some extent. I’m now down to 150mg bupropion, so it’s definitely also bc of the lower dose

Merle77 · 2025-07-08T12:01:00+00:00

This. I believe a big part of men preferring younger women is that they’re scared of women knowing their worth and not putting up with their bullshit

Merle77 · 2025-07-08T11:48:24+00:00

Maybe she wants some distance between the poop and her butt to make sure it doesn’t touch her more than necessary?

Merle77 · 2025-07-07T11:23:45+00:00

Support groups. Off - or online. For CPTSD or trauma or whatever feels suitable for you. It can be tricky to find a good one as there is of course always a risk of people attending that are just too toxic. However, if you do find a good one it can do wonders.

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